Poetry / Little Bird (Analysis)

I liked the concept, the feeling of the poem, but tripped up on a word or two. There didn’t seem to be a set meter, so I wasn’t sure why lines like but someday soon you now will go weren’t simply “but someday soon you’ll go”. It may be simply that I’m not saying it right. Overall, I liked it.

I love the imagery. “a pink tinge swipes the sky” – beautiful line, I adore it! The rhymes were great too, and I love how you have a way of wording things differently than expected, such as “time it is for you to fly”. It’s different, but definitely in a good way. =]

This is an awesome poem.  The imagery is great, I can visulize everything mentioned.  I especially liked the “as the morning sky awakens a pink tinge swipes the sky.”  That line is very vivid and easy for me to see.  This is a great piece!  

Poam suited to spring and the dawn chorus, what sort of bird was it?

I can picture the scene well, and understand the concept of growth and seperation. (mother and child)
I have been in workshops in which other poets write with  similiar language as in the piece (I am not sure of an actual label, inverted maybe? i.e. “demand a meal be brought”) For me it feels unnatural so I have never written in this form and therefore am not sure how to comment on syntax.
A mother and baby bird are also rather common metaphors for mother/child, I would like to challenge you to try to break from the norm somwhere in this and throw in something unexpected, catch the reader off gaurd, this would make this peice stand out more.

Cute poem. I didn’t see much imagery, but could definitely follow the feelings. the line “hold you now confined
but someday soon you now will go” might need to be altered. It doesn’t flow, and “soon” and “now” don’t work too well together. Overall it’s a good poem :)

I feel parts of this are awkward, but perhaps it is only a personal thing. For example, “instead you they tease”. ‘Instead, they tease you’ feels better to me. “Time it is for you to go” could just as easily be “it is time for you to go.” If you intend this piece to be read, why not be more natural in the way the words flow? As I say, this may simply be a personal thing. More imagery would be nice. Develop how the morning sky awakens. Describe it in more detail.

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June 20, 2008

by Sweettouch

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The reversal of the phrases actually bring variety to the flow of words and is in itself a poetic form. More natuaral is not necessarily better and is often found to be boring and un-appetising to the readers eye and the listeners ear. Who is actually to say which is more natural when it comes to flow? Just because it is natural to the way you speak does not mean it is natural to another. As for more imagery – this is a first draft off the cuff and the possibility of that is great. Many of the readers seem to love it as is and then others about the same in number want more so look for a revision shortly. Your thoughts are well taken and thank you for sharing your opinions.

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this is good. Its vivid and clear. It tells a story and it has a lot of meaning to it. This is really nice. x

but someday soon you now will go-  The ‘soon’ and ‘now’ seem in contrast.  Maybe just take out the now?

Very well done, I love the story.  I love the line “you throw back your head and cry”.  You have done a great job with imagry, i feel, and wouldn’t change anything else!

I must say, you impress me with your imagery. Perhaps the first line, “Oh my little bird,” could have had 1 additional adjective, to enhance the vision in the mind, and allow it to be embedded in the readers mind.

I like how your poem did not rhyme through the duration. At first I thought it strange, but then I read it aloud, and the flow, the absolute rhythm, caught me and lifted my heart! This is indeed a grand peice of art.