Lyrics / Paper Houses (Analysis)

I really liked this piece. Although, I must say, I’m a sucker for anything that rhymes. Good job.

The AB AB rhyme pattern at the beginning becomes ABC BC (kind of) slightly in the middle and then goes back to AB AB near the end. I suggest to make the whole song AB AB, so the lyrics flow more. But I really like what you have here. I could see an artist such as Jason Mraz (maybe? )  use this. Has that “earthy” and slow emotion to it. Nice work and good luck. :]

hi there,

your title is paper houses, orginal..but where does the letters come in that are mentioned?..you said you appreciate you, then say both, are you talking of someone, or maybe a couple like your parents..(it’s just some things needs to be clearer understood)like what are you fearing, and what thing is gonna get better? well i think you may need a rewrite, something we all have to do, all the time!!!...:) sorry i yapped so much..and seemed a little harsh…hope i helped…:)...jim

Good literature and art is found in conflict.  Character A wants Character B, but B hates A.  That’s the beginning of a story.  You have no conflict of any sort in this, making for a boring, pedantic read.  Not to mention the complete lack of specifics or detail, which make this poem/song completely unidentifiable to the reader/listener.  
Keep trying!

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June 20, 2008

by KirstieRave

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There isn’t suppose to be a conflict, its not a novel, its a song. Read these lyrics-    

http://www.cajundanceparty.com/lyrics.php?view=12

there isn’t a conflict there either, but doesn’t mean they aren’t good lyrics. x

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This was pretty good, but i found a little bit of a hard time really getting what it was about. I would love to know if there is a story behind the lyrics it might make it easier to understand for me. Overall though I believe this could do well with a bit more clarity.

It’s a nice subject matter (I think!) but seems a little shallow. It just seems to be full of cliches without any real meaning to them. Try making the verses longer and with more substance to them?

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June 19, 2008

by KirstieRave

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why is it shallow? It has a lot of meaning to me and to the people it is written for. I don’t want to just add words for the sake of adding words.

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There are parts of this that I really like. The first three sections are very good. Then, the lyric/poem becomes a bit wordy in the fourth (appreciate is an awkward word to sing and not very visual).

requires growth (also wordy and not as visual as the first three sections)

In general, there’s potential here. Keep the lyric earthy and real without the analytical words, and this could be very good.

Hi there.

I think when you say; “you both” you may be talking of children? I think the poem is wonderfully dynamic and flows beautifully. My only one issue is on the third stanza from the bottom; “their dances”, who is “their” or are you mentioning the world outside of your own world?

Other than that I think the length could be shortened by one stanza, perhaps the second to last as it does not add much to the ‘now’ of the poem, it only suggests knowledge of a future that has not happened yet. It may work better without this.

Good luck!