thank you =]
Lyrics / Small Numbers (Analysis)
Its only getting faster
This thing, its nothing more than a disaster
Because 15 means nothing
Yet 9 to 10 could easily be something
Its the pits you have to worry about
Perhaps the can lead me somewhere
But who will stay with me?
No one? perhaps they all shall leave
But who will remember me?
No one, they’re all too proud to grieve.
Keep in mind, the big numbers equal nothing.
The smaller ones, they should keep you hunting.
The pits, dark, black and cold.
You may be scared, but it’s there that the story is told.
So stay with me, do not leave.
You’ll need a partner,
Because no one can be too proud to grieve.
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drowsingmuse reviewed Version 1 -
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esmaril reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this piece. It has a certain qaulity that makes it very interesting to read. I like how you said they were too proud to cry. That’s certainly true in these times. Overalll, very nice.
Typos:
the – they
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JAs_jumper_cable reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this piece, though it strikes me more as poetry than song lyrics for some reason. I like how it is written, as well as created in a way that can be interpreted different ways by different readers. Its dark, sad, and speaks right to the reader in my opinion, almost makes you feel guilty.
However, you wrote “Perhaps the can lead me somewhere” and i think you meant ‘perhaps THEY can lead.’
starla77 reviewed Version 1 -
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It could be interesting as a lyric. But you have to create a refrain. I think “Keep in mind, the big numbers equal nothing.
The smaller ones, they should keep you hunting.” could be a good one, but drop the punctuation(overall) and “they”, so that it flows better and with a faster rhythm. You should drop the space between the lines. Instead of keeping 2 lines-space-2lines structure, build 4/6 lines stanzas, to make a compact lyric. Each stanza should be followed by the refrain, but of course this is just the classical way of writing a lyric, you are always free to change it.
It’s true that when you add the music to your words, the meaning of the whole lyric becomes clearer, because the music speakes as well and set a particular mood, and I like the fact that songs, as well as poems are not always so transparent, so that everyone can interpret it in a different way, but i’m very curious, what are these numbers to you?
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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If you make this a lyric, I think you need take out words like “perhaps” and “Keep in mind”. Otherwise, this is original and songworthy. You’ll need a chorus or at least a hook, which would be something like Who’ll remember me, Who’ll stay with me? These questions are strong enough for a hook.
It’s cryptic with the numbers (15, 9 to 10). Maybe this means something to others but not to me.
Perhaps the can (typo?)
lordgorto reviewed Version 1 -
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Keep in mind, the big numbers equal nothing.
The smaller ones, they should keep you hunting.
I like this bit
The rest needs more conflict and metaphor
cooljim102055 reviewed Version 1 -
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hi there,
well i gave you a 7 because or your creativety and being so orginal in idea but in all honesty, i’m having trouble understanding it..(maybe it’s to deep for me) but even though you have to be orginal, it’s very important to keep the simplicty aspect part of it so your listeners can relate to natuarally, like a conversation,,,i said enough!...:)...keep writing!,,,jim
Nights_End1 reviewed Version 1 -
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This song spoke to my soul. It makes you think and try to put your life in perspective. I hope to read more things like this by you in the future.
evoloution reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow.
I’m really impressed that someone under eighteen has written something so truthful and universal; the concept of growing up and changing and wondering who we can take with us on the next chapter of our lives. Not only this but you have rhymed it well and the piece is economically sound (not to many words or repetition).
I think there is a typo here but it’s nothing you cannot fix. “Perhaps the can lead me somewhere”
Also try turning this in to a four stanza poem and chunk the couplets in to fours. It will present the message of the poem more strongly.
Anyway good luck and keep this up!
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, it could make one verse for a song. We can only guess what it’s all about though. It’s difficult critiquing lyrics because theres no melody to tie it to. I couldn’t be sure that the lyrics would have fitted in time to a beat… I dunno, I’m not the expert on such things.
Potential errors:
“its nothing”- “it’s”
“Perhaps the can lead me somewhere”- do you mean “the”?
Captalise the second “perhaps”
A good start.
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