Poetry / You (Analysis)

I love the rawness of this poem. However, this is also its greatest flaw. It’s a little wordy, so if you just cut down some of the unneeded descriptions it would be great. Short and sweet (Cliche I know), but it would make this poem pack a punch if there were less words per line. The third stanza falls out of joint, i.e. it has six or seven lines instead of the four lines that make up the other stanzas of the poem. Overall, though I really like the openness of this poem, and it feels like we have a peek inside your heart.

heart wrenching lovesickness. I know it well.

I like the last line because the entire poem has a sence of fear of loss.  It made me think from the very begining that the voice of the poem was infatuated with this person, and is pleading his/her point.  

OMG! i love this! i think anyone who has someone they love will love this poem… and if youre not sure if your in love then this poem will sure as hell make you realize it.

This was very touching and passionate.  I felt I was reading very intimate feelings.  The first stanza is a little choppy in rhythym.  Overall it was a good read.

Solid work, although it veers close to common images you redeem it by the grounding of “dead birds” and what not. It’s got a neat tone, somewhere between verse and prose, as if waiting for the rhyme that doesn’t come.

Powerful beginning of absolute devotion and trust.  Vexatious…rough word.  Consider something different.

I will morph our bodies into one,...I love this line.
I would change the last line “one” again.  It may flow more intelligently.  

Change the imagination from migraine (such a simple term) to the explosion of that suffering.  It is more than just a migraine…it is-WHAT to you?

I can taste the bitter fear inside you, I love “bitter” fear but it would seem that fear taste hot and sour (like something that makes you feel like puking)  

You touch my soul in ways I never imagined,
and it turns into a vast and ever-gorgeous valley,
filled with vividly painted carnations and lilies,
with wonderful watercolor sunsets made just for us…this part is simply poetic and so beautiful.  It is different from the beginning and maybe with this type of writing ability, you should rework the beginning to match this.

I could have a fever twice the temperature of the sun,...again this line is magnificent!

It is a beautiful piece.  I think only the beginning needs a little more “poetic” feeling.  I would like to see it when you revise, if you do, and thank you for the opportunity.

There was nothing about this poem that I didn’t enjoy. Every word had me paying the utmost of attention to what was comming next. I thought alot about someone i lost and this almost made me cry. I appreciate this piece more than alot of pieces i have ever read. I am dying to see mroe pieces like this, I wish you good luck i making more pieces for people to enjoy.

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June 19, 2008

by LAluver4ever

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17	F	Modesto, CA	November 15

Thank you so much. I love it when people can relate to what I write. It means a lot to me.

June 21, 2008

by Nights_End1

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17	F	Wauseon, OH	November 02

I’m glad I could write a comment that means something to you. It’s nice when people appreciate the work you do.

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Aa love poem’s go this does a decent job of showing the desire of one’ sheart. I feel that the poem could be strengthened considerably by deleting a few unecessary words and phrases here and there. The 5th stanza seems incomplete as it never quie finishes the thought of the 1st line before it changes subject, so there is no real connecting between them.

I admire how you maitain the symbolism throughout the piece and must say, if that’s what it’s like to be in love then sign me up.  It’s scorching in the right place and  tender too.  A piece I would certainly read again and again to lift my heart when I’m down or lonely.

The only comment I will make is that I found the ‘moonlit eyes of blue’ a bit cheesy, but that’s just me and I certainly enjoyed the rest.

Bravo!