Thank you for reading this piece. It makes me happy to know that I can grab someones attention.
Short Story / The Beginning ((Part 2 Revised)) (Analysis)
” DAMNIT….” I screamed as I jumped out of the tree I had been resting in. The hot July wind was a bitch blowing the hot sand into my eyes. I was starting to get a bit annoyed with it when I saw Rev coming through the park an air of determination had seemed to set about him.
” Still up there I left you and hour ago to go get information.” Rev looked very annoyed and seemed. …well I guess he seemed kinda worn out something I had never seen happen to him before.
” Yeah I’m still up here I waited here just like you told me to ok.” I retorted.
I could tell that Rev was a little pissed at the way I had answered him. Right now I didn’t even care he hadn’t told me if he had gotten any good or bad news. These days all that mattered to me was finding the people who killed Mika so I could get my revenge. I didn’t care what anyone thought anymore. I was being a selfish bastard and I didn’t care…. my life didn’t matter all that mattered was Mika.
” Ok I understand that you want to get your revenge but don’t start acting like this or I will just plain out leave you feel me?” I knew that Rev was serious so I shook my head in reply. I couldn’t afford to lose my best friend and my only source of information.
” Skid look I have talked to only a few of my people…. and so far I’ve got jack shit. I am trying my hardest though my man…we need to move out of the city though…. more than one group is after us now.” He said that hard cold look creeping into his eyes when I knew it should have been fear.
” Alright lets get our asses out of here soon. Be ready by the main gate at midnight.” I said as I turned to go pack the few things I would need.
” Skid hold up for a sec.” I turned and Rev threw me a knife.
” Keep it on you at all times when I cant be there to bail your ass out.” Rev said turning and walking the other way.
All I could do was shake my head and continue running towards home. No matter how many people thought Rev crazy I knew he was just a guy going on survival. We had to work together now…. to keep ourselves alive.
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brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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GEMINI66 reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought it was pretty good. I think in short stories you should pay real close attention to punctuation. A little more play on your words would be good to. Like maybe adding instints after survival. little things like that. Just a thought. I would say you have somthing to work with here so keep on writing.
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wise2owls reviewed Version 1 -
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So far so good, you had this reader`s attention from the beginning but it didn`t go far enough. What happened to Mika to make her die? Why are you depending on Rev to get you information. What is your relationship to Rev, a friend perhaps? You have a good start here, please continue. I am interested. Thank you.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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The best part about this is the voice of the narrator. You could be a bit more specific about what kind of information the character is waiting for.
park an air (run-on sentence. Remedy: either put a period or a semicolon after park or change the sentence to read coming through the park with an air of determination.)
matter all that (run-on sentence. Remedy: place a semicolon or a dash after matter.)
When you write “up here” in the first few lines of dialogue, do you mean “up here in the tree”? The character jumps out of the tree in the first line. If you mean something else by “up here,” I’d change this expression to “around here”.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Even though I didn’t read part 1 I thought this was okay. I like that this was short and straight to the point. It’s kind to do a story with a lot of dialog taking up the whole piece, but you did a good job with. You were able to describe the setting in the very beginning leaving the rest of the story free of details and descriptions which I could get bore of reading. Anyway good job and if I spot the part 3 I’ll check it out.
brayth reviewed Version 1 -
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You have an interesting start here. Although, I would check my punctuation and grammar, there were some parts that were a little confusing because of missing commas or periods. It piqued my interest knowing that there were people after Skid and Rev and I wondered just who Mika was. A brother, sister lover? Maybe his dog? Overall it kept my interest but it was too short and not enough.
wordwan reviewed Version 1 -
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Woo, baby, woo. Look at chu! I can see you been practicing, baby; practicin’ hard. And this shows me you are so… so intent on becoming who you really are. A teller of tales. Good show.
A few things. Baby, are you reading this out loud? Read it out loud, baby. Stand in front of the mirror, watch yourself read it out loud and hear where the smoothness of sentence IS…
And isn’t. Okay, baby?
Watch your tenses too. This convo could stay in the present or past, but watch all that participl-ey and other other stuff, okay? Think the way YOU would talk, when you talk to me, in an email. Stick to one or two tenses and watch the “he was watching” kinda stuff, okay?
I know that’s a hard one to figure but you’ll make it, baby. Truly you will.
And add some commas when you see yourself stopping in a sentence, stopping or pausing in some way. The story needs to be in MY head, baby, the way YOU have it in yours. Don’t make me guess now, baby; don’t make me guess at what you mean. All I have is the words you throw my way, okay?
You hang on now, baby, you hang on. I don’t suggest you will spend your life like Stephen King, baby, dining on donuts, but baby, I know you love what you do. So keep on doing it, okay?
Oh and sorry to make you pay for my word use. grin But hey, you can shine this one around for your friends, okay?
Have fun, hon. I’m done.
Heather, still here, and liking this ‘friend review request’ feature. Shows me who is out there and working on Urbis.
Gumby812 reviewed Version 1 -
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There is something here.. but I’m not so sure what. Where are you? Why is rev pissed? Why are you in danger, and need a knife. Conversation is okay…. missing some commas…
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