god, how do you always write a shitty review, and remain specific? I don’t get it. We are in danger of being caught by the cops. 5-0?
Poetry / Dark Hide
For KaniLehua who eventually got me arrested
I remember when
you said drop
and we all did
like dead flies.
Five oh, and those
two numbers told us
we were in danger.
But you saved us.
They couldn’t see
our faces, hidden
there among the weeds
tucked in thick brush
on our hands and knees
panting, praying for
some more dark
to cover our skins
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youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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this is not developed enough to be really interesting, though it is nicely done: where are they, why are they there? some details maight make it more real, more moving. i’d also break it up into stanzas
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crystinawritersblog reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the poem but i think you should add more details about what your were in danger off. That could add more suspense to the poem.
Undone reviewed Version 1 -
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It intriqued me from the start but I feel it was abruptly finished. I feel there could be much more added. why were you panting and praying what were you hiding from?? I feel you have considerable talent but more details please thus not to be confusing.
JessicaG reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh darlin’ you’ll have to ask for a refund on this one.
I love it.
Is there a reason you only sometimes capitalize?
TiffVicious reviewed Version 1 -
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THERE SO MANY SIDES TO YOU! I love this… I know exactly what this feels like…cause I have been there, and you brought it to life inside me again! You are so diverse and intriguing. At this point I am a fan of everything I have read!
believer22 reviewed Version 1 -
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lol Are ya hidin from the cops? Would like to hear more about why you were running ….may give it more power and lengthen it for a clearer finish. The title concludes that they didnt get away(or you). Inevitably feeling the stresses of peer pressured situation.
sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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Good writing, but seems to be just the beginning. Add more to let the reader know why you are hiding, where, if at war, where was your gun? Are you hiding from an enemy or lions, tigers, and bears? You have talent but this left me wondering too much.
meltonbooks reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the poem. My only thing about it is I had to read it a few times to get the part where u said five oh. Seeing it spelled like that made me think not of the number but more like oh my.
JessicaHumiston reviewed Version 1 -
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Allright… getting down to business first… I think that this would be more powerful if it were split up on the page a bit (such as a line break after ..like dead flies.)
ALSO
“Five oh, and those
two numbers told us
we were in danger. ”
- I would change this to
‘Five oh,
those two numbers told us
we were in danger.’
I say this because the “Five oh” is, in my opinion, the most important part of these lines.
And now for the praise…. I really liked this. You have done a very good job of saying something very powerful in a few short lines, and the story is very clear. So clear, I can see it unfold right before me. Well Done.
ScorpionHunter reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the form, it looks really nice on the page. I could talk about everything I like about it, but I’d rather pick on the one (and only) thing that screwed it all up for me, and that’s the “Five oh” of line 5. It completely tripped up the whole poem. Did you mean Five-O, as in 5-0?? -—- The fuzz?
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