Poetry / hide (Analysis)

This has a good rhythm to it.  It’s a smooth read.  Very sad, but well written with some great metaphor, artificial fireflies of urban traffic.  Nicely done.

Very strong.

A sobering look behind the glitter and glitz that we paint as the space of rock stars. You did a great job of setting the tone for this in the L4, “artificial”.

Didn’t like these two lines. Felt, sounded awkward, too mundane for the mood you created.
“like waiting
for a shower in the morning”

Doubt you will make it into Rolling Stone mag. but this has got to be worth a read in another mag somewhere.
9/9/9

i really like it your talented

I really do like this poem and how it approaches the rise and fall of the musician or singer’s life.

The only thing I would change in the whole poem, would be in the last stanza. I would change the line to: like waiting for a shower in ‘morning’s’ despair.

Good luck with your writing and take care.

The city image works very well -- strong opening -- I could feel the fakeness among urban people (artificial fireflies) and could smell the old smoke.
Stanza two:  Same sort of “smell” image, but why not? I’m sensing that ‘innocent’ and ‘calloused’ are characterizations of the protagonist/narrator.
I had trouble with the math at the end. Maybe it’s a reference I’m missing. Is ‘the rest of  us’ the band (or a family)? How does the loss “add up”, to something also lost, or left?

Did someone kill themselves and someone else is reflecting on it? Also, if you’re really going to get into the image of this lifestyle, is there nothing good about the ‘peak of fame’? The negative imagery DOES make it all believable, but need the big picture too, a little! Crisp, strong writing. Good subject.

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July 19, 2008

by Miscast

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
8	81.8% (33 votes)	2.1%

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18	F	United States	September 19

Hi there, thank you so much for your input. :)
Just to clear up the ending math:
The lost life adds up to four… meaning after the one has died, other people have thrown themselves into suicide over the one loss. Thus we end up with more.
Also, the “rest of us” is everyone… or more so the fans.

July 20, 2008

by rekstein

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32	85.7% (7 votes)	38.9%

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32	M	Baltimore, MD	August 06

oh, so the whole band went for it, huh? well, YOU keep smiling; and writing.

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I feel like the first sentence is IMPACT and should end at that. (period)
And the second sentence should begin In…..
I love the fourth sentence!
I would eliminate the repetition starting the second verse and connect it to the first verse ending.

I hate the vision you’ve created which is an accomplishment as you have put into words a scene.  The topic is philosophical and deserves research and feeling…afterall a life is a life.

“I couldn’t die like that”, is OK after the idea of a long verse and reinforcement of initial thought.

“adds up to four”, is confusing.

I would like to see the beauty of it all as well as the tragedy to help solidify what it’s all about.  It still seems hidden.  Please let me know when or if you revise it, it has such potential in a serious context.
Thank you for the opportunity.

I like this. Vivid images, good form. Nice work.

I might be biased since you’re like my sister, but you know im not a big fan of poetry but you produce well written pieces. I really like the repetition of “I couldn’t die like that”, i think it works well to prove the message you’re trying to get across, which i think is very clearly stated. My only suggestion is to go through it and clean up any grammatical errors and eliminate words you don’t need. Keep on writing poetry i actually like to read. :]

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June 12, 2008

by Miscast

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
8	81.8% (33 votes)	2.1%

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18	F	United States	September 19

Yes ma’am, will go! ;]

This one is going to be going through the blender again…

I’m very glad that I can write stuff you like… or maybe its because this one deals with Jack and a cig? ;]

June 12, 2008

by DMVasso

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11	71.4% (7 votes)	47.4%

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18	F	Chalfont, PA	June 29

haha, well that might be it. I really did to fine tune my stuff too, but right now I don’t have the time. :[

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