Query Letter / Stuck in the Waiting Room - revised query
Dear Ms. (agent name),
Have you ever felt like you work so much at your job that your personal life has dwindled in to nothingness? I read on your website that you are interested in chick-lit. I’ve written a 100,000-word comedy called Stuck in the Waiting Room that I hope will entertain you.
Thirty-two-year-old Maggie Russell is going to take a week off from work for the first time in five years in Wichita, Kansas. In all aspects of restaurant management she’s the best there is, but in her personal life she hasn’t had a mediocre kiss or a smart conversation with a man since last year. She is excited for her break to start, but she’s not ready for the insanity that’s soon to follow.
She blows her shot at love with Mr. Right and then falls hard for Mr. Wrong. Her dad reveals he has a daughter living in Tulsa from a fling he had in high school. She picks a fight with her new sister and gets shunned by her family for doing so. She has an adrenaline-charged break-up with Mr. Wrong at karaoke and then goes on a high-speed chase for Mr. Right. She tracks down her sister out of state, gets stuck in a case of mistaken identity and lands in a brawl with her sister’s ex-fiancé. With her ego and her shoulder bruised, Maggie begins to wonder if she’ll be able to survive the rest of her vacation. Who would have thought that taking a break from work could be so exhausting?
Like Maggie, I lived in Wichita for twenty years and worked in the restaurant business for ten years. I am married with three kids and this is my first attempt at getting published. I am ready to send my finished manuscript to you if you are interested.
Thanks so much for the consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
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You requested brutality, so you’re getting it. It’s nothing personal.
Cut the first paragraph entirely. The hypothetical question hook here isn’t intriguing enough to warrant it, and the rest of the paragraph should be at the end. Start with “Thirty-two year old Maggie Russell” (only “thirty-two” should be hyphenated) instead. The “in Wichita, Kansas” bit at the end of the sentence is a little unclear- I think that she’s going to Wichita, but the way the sentence is structured, I can’t tell if that’s true or if she works in Wichita. Go a little more colorful and a little cleaner- maybe “Thirty-two year old workaholic Maggie Russell is going to take her first vacation in five years” or something along those lines, but that still leaves me with a big question, which is why is she going? It seems like she’s going to try to improve her social life, but why would that lead her to Kansas? Is she going to visit her family? I think you’d make your hook most direct if you go with something like ”...first vacation in five years, but instead of the romance she’s hoping to find, she… (something or other, whatever happens)”. Since it’s a comedy, it’s vital that parts of the letter be funny, too.
The whole third paragraph is contextless and kind of soupy- it’s not so much a story as it is a list of unrelated incidents. Rather than trying to tell the story of the whole book, have you considered focusing on just the first fifty pages or so? There should be enough conflict there to provide a really solid hook, and that’s the whole point of the letter. You just want the reader to say “I gotta read this book”, so find where your inciting incident happens, and summarize up to that point. Right now, I don’t care much who she fights or what she discovers, because I don’t know her. Give me just one good event with enough context to want to read the whole book. If her father’s revelation is what gets her story started, then focus on that; if it’s Mr Right/Mr Wrong, go with that instead. But the key here is to -focus-.
Good luck. I think you’re on to something, but it’s not there yet.
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into is one word
Is the fact that this is Wichita important as it seems unnecessary, at least in the sentence in which you introduce it?
since last year
this should be “in a year”
The fact that you’re married and have three kids has nothing to do with this. If this is your first attempt to publish, you shouldn’t mention it. It’s good that you mentioned the length and genre. Leave out the “if you are interested.” The consideration should be your consideration.
Good luck with this.
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