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Lyrics / Untitled 6-4-08
broken dreams and promises
of a love you left behind
walked away and threw it out
without a trace to find
what did you hope to gain
with all the heartache that you caused
misery and pain?
now I’ll stand up and applaud
You really had me going
with that lie of a life
(lie of a life)
now my heart I’m sewing
you cut like a knife
(cut like a knife)
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lolanation reviewed Version 1 -
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perfct2u reviewed Version 1 -
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Sometimes in a moment you can write a piece that truly captures emotions in words, as you have. The feelings of anger, frustration and pain is shown clearly through your lines. Although I think you should add one more verse to the end. The lyrics would seem more balanced and the resolution/end would leave the reader satisfied.
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debberdoo4 reviewed Version 1 -
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I can feel the rhythm-the metre of the words is consistent- when I read them aloud of few times. Its very clear, the subtle defensive message the vicitm is handing back, I like that. I had one stuggle: What’s the chorus? Is it the first stanza or the second. For that, I favored the first stanza.
KrissiKendall reviewed Version 1 -
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The meat and bones of the lyrics are there, but it seems a little rough. The first two stanzas are the best, but there’s just something about that third part makes it all seem to go to pot. It sort of detracts from the emotion of the first two stanzas and makes it seem to 16 yr old girl’s journal? I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I think you could really work with this to make it something usable and I don’t know how else to explain what I’m thinking.
Earl_Daniels reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall you have talent but I am concerned by your lack of meat and potatoes in this piece [awful short for a song]
You definitely do a good job building up imagery in places then seem to lose your grasp on the picture:
broken dreams and promises
of a love you left behind
walked away and threw it out
without a trace to find
(this is what you said…try this instead)
broken dreams and promises
the love you left behind
walk away and throw it out
without a trace to find
For the most part this is where I feel you need to concentrate. Restructure your words so they flow more smoothly and I feel you will be on the right path.
nattyacids reviewed Version 1 -
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not bad at all for a first go. I this is a critique though, so i will point out something i just did not quite get. in the second verse “now I’ll stand up and applaud” kind of threw me off. maybe find another way to integrate it, or toss it, otherwise it steals away from the rest of the eb and flow.
AnonEmotus reviewed Version 1 -
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simple lyrics to describe painful heartache. i can see this song being expanded. i like how direct it is; if you could keep that going throughout the piece while adding to it, it’d turn out wonderfully.
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