Poetry / At This Very Moment... (Analysis)

pure mind candy, at least for me.it took me everywhere, smacking me in the face, stroking my emotions, taking me everywhere, a mental imprint i will always have…
i hope this isn’t your only piece posted…

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June 06, 2008

by trackermo

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So far… but, wait… there’s more. ;)

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Not a new theme certainly but fairly well-done.  And, I would say 100% of this is true—likewise, stealing an apple, chunking a shoe at a cat, cussing the guy on talk radio, sneaking one of your girlfriends candies, etc.  The listing strategy works well to get to your moral or conclusion at the end.  With an eye toward publishing, there are certainly markets for this type of work. Good luck with it.

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June 06, 2008

by trackermo

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Thanks, Howard… I appreciate that.  I don’t plan to publish it and I don’t consider myself a poet… in fact, most of my poetry has been termed “God-Awful”... LOL!  

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I hate to sound like a teacher but show don’t tell.
There aren’t any images in here.  No creative language.  Not one simile or metaphor.  Not even a bit of assonance, conssonance, and alliteration.
You don’t have to know what those things are to use them.

As far as specific criticism goes:
You should take out your abstractions.  If you want to write a poem like this, pick a pro-noun (she/he) or alternate, but using the “someone/their” set up screws up your subject verb agreements.  

I would suggest that you pick a couple of these things, the things you are most interested, and actually write a poem (maybe containing different stanzas for each story starting with “someone somewhere is…”) and then show us what that person is doing.  Do this instead of writing a laundry list of abstractions and you will have a good poem that achieves without being cliche the very thing that I think you are trying to achieve.  

This was a great poem, very intense in parts, I would not change it at all, I have very many lines in it that are my favorite, (Learning the meaning of the term “God”;
Learning what Hell is like;
Living in Hell.) so intense,  I believe a poem should be where the reader can relate to it,  and everyone in life can relate to this, you must have been in deep thought when you wrote it.

Very moving. When you get to the four stanza, it seems a little…off. painting fingernails, pumping iron…from everything else, it seems more life changing, these two things don’t really change your reality.  Maybe if this was at the beginning, as in building up to life changing events. It does create a lot of images (which I love) and a lot of thought provoking ideas.

Thanks, Mo, now write more!