Short Story / Naming The Stars
The loneliness of a small six year old girl ended with a single brilliant idea.
Elliot snuck through her bedroom window one night to climb the maple tree that stood alone in her backyard.
Looking up at the stars, Elliot was struck by how incomplete the big sky made her feel, and she knew that the something that would make her whole was tucked away in the universe.
So she devised a plan to find the missing element. She looked around at her possessions, would they be enough?
She began to gather everything she could find…
and slowly stacked them. The mess of her possessions steadily grew higher and higher.
Every time her perseverance wavered, Elliot recalled the emptiness fluttering in her chest.
Eventually, she had nothing left to offer the pile-and so, she began to climb, carefully at first and then earnestly.
Her heart pounded rhythmically as she tirelessly mounted higher and higher;
but soon, she had reached the top. She looked up and to her dismay; she saw that she was just beyond the reach of the nearest star.
Elliot collapsed as the frustrated tears began to flow. “Why are you crying girl?” said a small voice.
Elliot looked up to see a little boy about her age peering at her from behind the star.
Peter held out his hand to her. Elliot wiped the tears away as she reached for him.
The End.
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This was very heart warming. The wordplay was perfect. This painted a great painting in my mind. I liked this a lot. I thought this was about love, thats my opinion
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Very warm, great clear flow.It pulls the reader in very well,wanting to climb with her, in her. Change nothing. We all need to take time to reach for a star…
First things first, if you can pick up your own grammar than there shouldn’t be any excuses to why this should have any grammatical errors in it.
It doesn’t seem finished to me. It has a beginning, a middle, but stories usually have a clear ending and this didn’t.
The problem being that this six year old wants to touch the stars? But how does she solve this problem? She doesn’t. Therefore, this piece is not finished and needs some word done to it.
Peter seems to just throw himself in here. Who is Peter?
And the fact that you’ve referenced Peter Pan in this shows this is cliche.
Be original.
A sweet, simple story. The short pace works for it and it evokes a generally warm, happy feeling. I like the abstraction; it works in this story’s favor. Perhaps go a slight bit more into the girl and why she’s sad.
It’s a cute story. What age group is this written for? The breaks make it seem like it is supposed to be a picture book (for the under five), but it seems like it should be for a slightly older crowd. If you want older, expound upon the story. If younger, I would choose your words carefully and make sure each is action-oriented. The ideas of emptiness inside may be a bit beyond the scope of the under five set as well.
I did really like the idea though. Good work.
where did Elliot or who was Elliot. Other than that I liked…I actually you were going to make this a fantasy and have her reach the stars. But I liked the idea of this overall. You convinced my somehow this kid was going to reach the stars and then slapped me with the reality stick.
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