thanks for the kind review!
Haiku/Senryu / Comming to You (Analysis)
I breathed in your breath
introduced my heart to you
sharing most basic
Exhaling in kiss
you taste my desire for you
sharing perfected
Bodies transported
life connections formed and sealed
sharing transcended
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Smintboyuk reviewed Version 2 -
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A good idea that just needs a little tweaking.
In line 1 of stanza 1 I don’t think the use of ‘breathed’ and ‘breath’ works too well. Try to find an alternative to one of them. Line 3 is ok, but I don’t quite get how ‘sharing’ can be ignited. I think you’re trying to say it began, or started. Is there another synonym you could use?
‘Exhaling in’ doesn’t work for me either. Perhaps just ‘Exhaling our kiss’ or ‘a kiss’? I like how you’re building the idea of sharing with ‘perfected’, but it seems to me to be too much of a jump from the idea of sharing beginning in stanza 1. Perhaps a synonym to ‘refined’ would be better?
In stanza 3, you break your line 2 rule (‘to you’ and ‘for you’ in S1 and S2), but maintain the ‘sharing’ rule throughout. Besides that, I think S3 is my favourite.
I hope you don’t see this lengthy review as overly critical as I have tried to be honest and constructive throughout. I actually like this piece a lot. It reminds me of some of my own. A little work will make it much better. Good luck.
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Preye reviewed Version 2 -
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WOW… THAT WAS AMAZING PIECE AND HOW YOU DETAILED EVERYTHING WITHOUT SAYING NOTHING WAS GREAT WORK
SANINATHEWRITER reviewed Version 2 -
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In life we make transformations and connecrions with people and even ourselves. Even though this is a haiku i feel like you explained it.
kudos
broker reviewed Version 2 -
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This Haiku brings to memory a first kiss of a true romance, it’s really powerful and the imagery works very well.
sjvance reviewed Version 2 -
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Way good. Sensuous. Awesome job keeping with the 5-7-5 and being so descriptive. Great!
CarsonLeonhardt reviewed Version 2 -
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I really appreciate this senryu, one of the better ones that I have read on Urbis. I love the repetition of the last line of each stanza and it really adds a since of maturity to the poem as the reader progresses. Very strong imagery and a compelling line. As strong as the poem could be, excellent job.
Carson
Orelius reviewed Version 2 -
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A little bit choppy. You might try adding “Our” in front of “Bodies transported…”
meltonbooks reviewed Version 2 -
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very passionate. keep up the nice work
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 2 -
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These were damn sexy haikus, especially the second one! I hope that these were written by a woman, or else my review will seem a bit awkward! :)
ScorpionHunter reviewed Version 2 -
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Did you mean “inhaling” in line 3?? As it is, it doesn’t make sense.
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