I’ll work on that! thanks.
Poetry / Dear Isabel #1 (Analysis)
She stood above the brooding sea,
Her eyes upon the soldiers three,
Whose bodies float above the tide,
Each a broken heart inside,
These foolish heroes died in vain,
In a foolish quest they all were slain.
Dear Isabel what did you say,
To cause such men to die this way?
Proud and tall these men once stood,
Now floating beside the drifting wood.
Blood and water, in a pool I rest
With thirteen bullets inside my chest
I admit I have been shot
I am another victim, am I not?
As you fade from me accept this truth,
I would have loved you now and beyond your youth
But behind the veil are things unseen,
You have flawless aim my heartless queen.
As you stumble away from my lifeless bones,
Dear Isabel, I pray that you don’t die alone
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perfct2u reviewed Version 3 -
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sirM reviewed Version 3 -
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LA_Alirie reviewed Version 3 -
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I love this poem.
I like the rhythm and the wording and the deep, rather scary meaning. And it’s one of the few poems I’ve read that actually rhyme! Good job! If you were to publish it you might want to reword the line, “In a foolish quest they all were slain”. It’s off rhythm two syllables or so. And the word “stirring” in the line “Lifeless now on stirring sand.” Doesn’t quite work, I think.
Go for the published, man!
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bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 3 -
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i so love this poem. dear isabel, the slayer of hearts.
couple of tiny suggestions:
Each(with) a bleeding, broken heart inside,/(for metre try omitting ()
of blood (in) my lungs./metre, omit()
A_mused reviewed Version 4 -
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I don’t know what to say besides that is freakin’ amazing! The third stanza loses the otherwise perfect rhythm and flow however. It could be tweaked a bit. The last two lines are an incredibly powerful conclusion to a perfect build up.
chelly reviewed Version 4 -
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Wow, I loved this. It had an easy flow and was easily read. Good job.
jamesarcher reviewed Version 4 -
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Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 3 -
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It seems you have met your goal of creating images for the verses are quite visual. But you also strain the internal ryhme of your verses by forcing such schemes as “Whose bodies did float above the tide,Each with a bleeding, broken heart inside” and “We stand on the brink with smoking guns, I feel the rush of blood in my lungs”. You can cut a few words here and there to fix this. Also, and this is bit nit-picky but dead hearts don’t bleed. Boy, Isabel must surely be something to smite the narrator like this.
writterchica23 reviewed Version 3 -
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thankyouindia reviewed Version 3 -
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I loved the beat that you created in this piece. For the most part, each line flowed well with the next, especially rhyme pattern-wise. One suggestion
“Whose bodies did float above the tide,
Each with a [bleeding/ broken] heart inside”
maybe if you chose one of these words over the other the poem would flow better. This is the only instance that there seemed to be a kink in the flow.
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