Poetry / A Feeble Attempt (Analysis)

Well, it’s the last two lines that make this poem!  What a great image …

The ending to this is very stong. The last line is very final and stays with you way after you’ve finished reading, “It never reached your eyes.” This is what you expect from a good poem.

However, the beginning doesn’t hold the same substance.
The first line indicates there has been some event to cause the “silence.” I can’t help feeling though, there should be another line or so laying down the groundwork about how, why, what, etc is responsible for this.

All I’m trying to say is with such a stong and final ending there needs to be more in the beginning to build uo to this closure.

Overall, I enjoyed this short piece.

Thanks for sharing.  

What a nice little poem. You have captured a special moment in a few words.
One thought; who was the silent? That isn’t clear to me as the reader.
8/7/7

So many times this has afflicted people who are in love. I’ve had it happen and it truly hurts. Good poem.

I think your core image is great, the smile that never reaches the eyes.  That’s very evocative and has great promise.  But it’s sort of like a diamond set in an aluminum band.  It’s not that the moment you’re writing about isn’t moving, it’s just that the rest of the language you use is ordinary.  It lacks spark and rhythm.  Line 4 is cliche as well.  I’d stick with that image and try to reset it in something better.  Perhaps impose some discipline on yourself, using a short form like haiku or something to help you focus and force you into an economy of language.

I like the melancholy mood the poem creates.  I also like the subtleness.  You are not beating the reader over the head with a scenario; this could be anyone, anywhere.  It helps the reader connect with the poem.

My only suggestion is to streamline the line “To try and make you smile” to “to make you smile”.  

Thanks for allowing me to read and review your poetry.  Good luck.

Nice attempt ..definitely not a feeble one…short and pithy…shows promise. Keep it up.

Line 3 should probably read “To try to make you smile” rather than “try and” which we hear often in conversation but is grammaticlly incorrect.  The tone is solid, so is the pacing and meter.  You could probably live without the “It” in the last line, too.  A nice little piece, but a smile that doesn’t reach the eyes is a bit cliche now.  Good luck with it.

This poem is cute and very touching, but you need to add a little something more. Add one more stanza or two to get your audience to know where you’re coming from, because right now, you’re just giving up a fragment of the story, and like all readers, curiousity gets the best of us. So, you might want to consider that with your next one. Nonetheless, it was good. I approve of your curt ways.