Poetry / tree talk

This is very whimsical. It has a beautiful innocence about it. This is constructed well and defiantly delivered a clear message creatively.

Simple and to the point.  I prefer punctuation, even in my poetry, but this piece is accessible enough that its certainly not a requirement.  I like the mirror effect of the parallel lines; it strengthens your contrast and gives a nice symmetry.  The final line, though, didn’t really work for me because it felt unfinished.  ”Hinder” seems meant to refer to the “hushed words”, but the unusual word order is somewhat jarring.  I realize that you probably want to keep “hinder” at the end, to pair with “winter” in the prior stanza, but maybe there is a better way to do that.

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June 03, 2008

by bittersweetmemory

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53	F	Germany	July 22

thanks for the input, i did have trouble with the last line…

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The imagery presented in this selection is excellent.  The line ” a flurry of snippets urgently spoken speaks volumes about our contemporary communication situation.  I enjoyed you diverse use of words that you used to paint your picture.

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May 27, 2008

by bittersweetmemory

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thanks very much. i am doing a rewrite to have the last 2 lines in each stanza flow a little more smoothly.

thanks again.

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Makes me long for home (Colorado!), and  this reminds of why I love the mountains.  

I really appreciated the clarity and concise flow of this.  It clearly differentiates between the hurry of summer/autumnal trees to the leisurely pace of winter trees.  However I was under the impression the trees slept through the winter, saving energy.
Well, maybe the first line:  falling to fallen.  it strengthens the line.
V1, L5, maybe:  just ‘silenced by the winter’ or ‘silenced by winter’ tightens the line. I did like this poem.

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May 26, 2008

by bittersweetmemory

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53	F	Germany	July 22

great input, thanks… ah, but the evergreen sleeps lightly.

thanks.

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I feel like you could do so much more with this! I like the use of the word “snippets” because I don’t see that enough.  Overall, every good.  Nice imagry, but I do wonder after reading it what it is that the woods gosip about?

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May 26, 2008

by bittersweetmemory

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53	F	Germany	July 22

all they know about everything. in tradition of the Celts the word for tree is; knowledge.

thanks for reading.

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Nice, subtle rhyme, good use of repetitions (e.g. in the wood of…). The rhythm is broken up in the 4th line of each stanza – this is supposed to add emphasis? However it seems to disrupt the flow of the whole poem. Well it disturbs the peace, that’s for sure, and that’s it’s meaning too, but it breaks up the reader’s train of thought and after that line only one line is left to read so there’s not much backing. Just a thought. But overall, great job!

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May 26, 2008

by bittersweetmemory

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53	F	Germany	July 22

thanks for the review… you are right about the last 2 lines of each verse. i’ll work on that…

May 26, 2008

by stum

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sure :)

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I think the last line detracts from the poem- the final two lines in the second stanza are so powerful it would be a shame not to end it there. A lovely poem overall.

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May 25, 2008

by bittersweetmemory

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53	F	Germany	July 22

thank you… that’s the message i’ve gotten and i will edit those lines.

thanks again.

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misspelled “snippets”. aside from that, i liked the poem. it really captures the nature and the essence of trees…

nicely done

I like it, the personification and the contrast between the deciduous and evergreen trees…I suggest deleting the stand alone line at the end. I don’t think it adds anything and it’s confusing.
it’s “snippets”
the line “talk turns a leisured whisper” the meaning isn’t clear…maybe “talk turns to leisured whisper”?