thank you for such a thoughtful opinion.
Poetry / Death's Seduction
Death’s Seduction
Death, I pondered.
Art thou refuge for this soul tormented or art thou its prison? In thee, will I find peace at last for this restless heart? Wilt thou quench this thirst, sate this hunger? Or wilt thou condemn me to eternal longing for that which is no more? Art thou sweet nectar or bitter herb? Oh Sweet Death illusive, if only I knew thee.
Come to me, he seduced.
So, I braved the sea of my despair tempted by his plea seductive as a lover who beckons. Slide gently into the fold of my arms which long for thee. Find solace here with me, beyond the heavens where I shall carry thee throughout eternity and all the while whisper secrets thou longest to hear from mine own lips, spoken softly that thou might strain thine ear and thus move thy body close to mine where it lies in anticipation of thee.
Wait for me, I implored.
Though I long for your final embrace, I prithee, please believe; even though I swim naked in the warmth of your seduction, I do not wish to drown. I wish only to know thee that I might not fear thee when time is ripe and my days end in number and my soul takes wing without destination. On that day thou will again bid me,“Come.” and pray me lie beside thee. But in fear I would surrender for I know not thy countenance. Yet, I would not resist, for the timbre of thy voice would compel my soul to abide with thee. I beseech thee, would you have me come in fear? Or wouldst thou wish that I, with complete abandon, render my soul unto thee?
I will wait, Death conceded.
For I wish not for thee to fear me. Nor do I desire to feed my soul with fruit plucked from the vine before fully ripened. So, I will wait for thee to come of thine own accord and lie beside me without regret of a life not fully lived. Then, together at last, we shall be.
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Focker777 reviewed Version 4 -
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wow. awesome wording. it is very nice, and short. i think it should go on in this poem though.
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vampyre_girl13 reviewed Version 4 -
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very nice. what i don’t get is why the devil let her ‘live’? i still like it. but i was a bit confused
kahbikahbi reviewed Version 4 -
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The sweet seduction of death!!! “Art thou refuge for this soul tormented or art thou its prison?”.
This is an escape from the misery and pain that is buried in the heart the final end to it all but she only wants a taste of death.
“Come to me, he seduced.
So, I braved the sea of my despair tempted by his plea seductive as a lover who beckons.”
She is giving in to her weakness death becomes her.
“Find solace here with me, beyond the heavens where I shall carry thee throughout eternity”
The promise to end her pain.
“I beseech thee, would you have me come in fear?”
“and all the while whisper secrets thou longest to hear from mine own lips”
Her sweet lies to herself .
abide with thee”
“Yet, I would not resist, for the timbre of thy voice would compel my soul to
She is coming to the thought of meeting death, the point of no return.
“I beseech thee, would you have me come in fear?”
As she comes to the point of facing the sweet embrace she questions her thought.
Death is not an escape it is an end to all you were put her for, even if your heart feels the pain and misery in this world.
This is my opinion of your poem I liked it very much.
regards
kahbikahbi
stum reviewed Version 4 -
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Hmm actually it doesn’t seem much like a poem at first sight, but later on it does get more poetic. However maybe you could try separating the sentences into 1 line each. Now it just looks like a paragraph, nearly like prose.
About language use, the very first line seems very modern, then there suddenly comes the use of Old English. I just feel that the transition is too great. Maybe you could add a few modern-er words in front of ‘Art thou’ so that the change is more gradual. Unless it’s for emphasis?
In the last stanza is there supposed to be a separation of the rest of the words from ‘Nor’ or is it just the word limit? If it’s just the word limit then it’s fine.
The last line seems a little awkward. Maybe you could change it to ‘Then at last, together we shall be, for eternity.’ To add that dimension and impact.
Yupp that’s about all. Overall it’s greatly written – content wise especially. Very interesting concept.
starblue reviewed Version 4 -
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I will try to crit within the boundaries you have asked for. Regardless of the form, some rules still hold true like grammar, even including the archaic spellings and syntax. Some of the sentences need some tightening up to make the lines stronger.
V1, L2 “will I find peace at last for this restless heart? “ try: wilt find peace for this restless heart? (The at last is implied) You use will and wilt …you need to be consistent with this.
This line needs clarity.
Is the eternal longing going to be for life after she kills herself?
Or wilt thou condemn me to eternal longing for that which is no more?
V2 L1:
Come to me, he seduced Seduce is not quite right
Try: “Come to me, he whispered or
Come to me, suductively”
L2 you can leave off ‘so’, it is not needed. This whole sentence is a cliché, try for something more origional.
“ Slide gently into the fold of my arms which long”
Try Go gentle into my arms which fold for thee”
“find solace”[period]
( here with me) ….this is not needed it is implied
beyond the heavens[period here] where( I shall…delete this) carry{ed….add this} (thee….delete this) through(out….delete this half word) eternity( and all the……delete this) while {I…add}whisper secrets thou longest to hear[period here] ( from…….. delete this, implied)mine own lips, (spoken………..change this word to) …speaketh softly[comma here] (that thou might…..delete this phrase, it weakens the line) strain thine ear, (thus move…….delete this it is implied, also) thy body close® to mine where it lies in anticipation of thee.
Wait for me, I implore(d…….delete, not needed)
Though I long for your final embrace, I prithee……..(did you mean to use prithee, it means pray), please(you do not need both pray/prithee and please, choose one) believe; (even…….delete )though I swim naked in the warmth of your seduction, I do not wish to drown. I wish( only to know thee that I might……..this phrase is not adding to the line) not fear thee when time is ripe{period} (and )my days end (in number ……delete)and my soul takes wing without destination. On that day thou will again bid me,“Come.” (and pray …….death does not pray anyone anytime)……maybe something like .Whisper …me lie beside thee. But in fear I would surrender for I know not thy countenance. Yet, I would not resist, for the timbre of thy voice would compel my soul to abide( with thee……not needed, it is implied). I beseech (thee), would(st) have me come in fear? Or wouldst thou[comma] (wish that) I, with complete abandon, render my soul unto thee?
do I desire to feed my soul(death has no soul to feed) with fruit plucked
that is the longest crit I have done so far. hope it helps you
DrChaos reviewed Version 4 -
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Middle English is the perfect choice for this and well done.
The first stanza is perfection.
In the second one, you should have death speaking, thought the first sentance is the women. I like the first sentance and would try to keep it somewhere but not here. Perhaps if you took that sentance and put it at the end of this stanza?
All else is very nice.
I suppose you should use mine instead of this since the context is personal possessive so the proper middle english pronoun is mine.
Hope this helps!
PrincessLoveStar reviewed Version 4 -
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This piece carried me back to King Aurthur and to Chaucer.
These are some of my most enjoyed readings of the time frame.
What else can I say that you took me there with the words chosen and the way they were written.
I am no expert except that I know where it took me.
AVRP reviewed Version 2 -
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THe metaphors are interesting. A lot of the time I think that one should keep metaphors (Swim naked in the warmth of your seduction) to a minimum, or do a mix. The style of speaking really appeals to me, as it is a tricky thing to do. You have a lot of promise in this way, although it could use tightening up. However, well written and I enjoyed reading it!
An idea you could do is copy-paste it when you submit the item. Then you can format it into proper verse! I do that with my stories!
Legacy reviewed Version 2 -
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overall that has been one of the best poems i have aver read the only thing was that the begining of the poem needs more imagery so you can really see a clear picture in your mind of what you mean
Andyoak reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked it, it is good subject matter, and had me thinking about many things that surround death beyond the very morbidity of it. I thought the structure of a conversation was a good decision and useful device to express the idea that death does not always have to be personified as greedy, in fact I found it interesting that you personified death as rational, it seems mature in a way that is seldom read. \All in all good job.
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