Young Adult / The Tudor Witness [Book Three, Part 1.5]

Autumn

        The first of September was a cool, crisp day.
        Frances and I waited outside, looking off in the distance for the carriage.
        “Is Nat a handsome child?” Frances asked.
        “He’s beautiful,” I replied, turning my head to see if the carriage might be coming from the east.
        “When is Meg’s child due?” she inquired, smiling at the thought of a child no doubt.  She would be soon having her own.
        “She’s three and a half months along now.  So in January, probably,” I answered.  Meg would be quite busy with two babies to raise.  She wouldn’t have time to go back into Anne’s service I gathered.  Maybe while she was still with child she would find time.
        We both then spotted the carriage coming up over the little hill.  It arrived before us soon after and Frances and I both ran over, eager to see Nat.
        Meg, looking pale from the early-morning journey, gratefully placed Nat in my arms and began to help William with their things.  He took most of it though, for he was worried about Meg’s condition.
        Nat had grown so much, yet he easily recognized me when placed in my arms.  He smiled and I saw that through his little pink gums a tooth was coming in.
        “Oh, he’s adorable!” Frances cried as I cradled his little head in the crook of my arm.
        “He is grown nearly twice the size he was before!” I exclaimed.
        Meg caught up with us and smiled.  “He’s starting to look like his father, isn’t he?”
        Nat looked like Meg with the hair and the eyes, but I saw also that he took greatly after his father.
        “He hasn’t been sleeping much,” Meg sighed.  I could see beneath her plain gown the curve of her growing belly already.
        “Keeps us awake all night!” William laughed as he caught up to the rest of us.
        “The two of you can go and sleep all day.  We’ll take care of Nat,” Frances volunteered.
        Without a word, Meg and William both nodded their heads in unison.

        It was only a few minutes after everything was settled in their apartments that the young parents fell fast asleep.
        Taking care of Nat wasn’t too hard.  I found that though he had grown much, he hadn’t yet changed in his sleeping habits.  
        The whole day we sat for him and yet he did not once cry.  It also seemed that since he slept during the day that he didn’t give his parents rest at night, when he was awake.
        He was still too small to crawl or roll around, so stay in his little wooden cradle was all did the whole day.
        Frances and I made sure to keep quite so that Meg, William, and Nat could get their much-needed sleep, so we sewed little samplers the whole day.
        “This is so contenting,” Frances sighed.  For once she was not the crazy girl she usually was.
        I nodded in agreement.
        “When do you think it will be safe for us to go back into court?” she inquired.  “For I really do miss it, despite the things that are occurring.”
        “Surely you can go anytime you want,” I replied.  “It’s not like you’ve anything to hide from court.”
        Frances nodded knowingly.  “You’re still a Catholic, aren’t you?”
        “Well I cannot that easily renounce my faith.  And besides, I’ve an older brother, a married one at that.  If they look upon a religion of a family, they will look upon the oldest male.  What does it matter then if I pray with rosaries in private?  No one sees me.”
        “Just be careful no one does.  You can’t even trust Anne.”
        “Believe me Frances, I know as much,” I sighed.
        She turned to look out the window.  It was already dark.  “I guess it’s too late to go into court now.”
        “You want to see Henry, don’t you?”
        She nodded.  “But he’ll come to see me later.  Do you think he’ll like that I’ve been here?”
        “Why do you ask?” I put down my sampler.
        She went red.  “I want many children, that’s why.  Maybe this will convince him then that I’ll be a good mother from the start.”
        “Watching over a sleeping child will do that?” I was doubtful about Frances being a mother.  She could barely take care of herself.  But she was like the old Meg, and look what becoming a mother had done to her.
        “Well it might convince Henry that we should have children right away.  I mean, why wait?”
        I didn’t say a thing.  But I knew that if ever I married I would want a few years to have with my husband before children came along.  To let the love grow, of course.  And I didn’t want the responsibility so suddenly on my shoulders.
        “Have you been planning for your wedding?” I asked, knowing it was quite obvious that it was all she did all day.
        “Father has said he will buy some white doves at a market in town and that when we exit the chapel then they will be released and fly all about.  The chapel will be decorated in roses of all colors, as well…”
        After that I didn’t wish to listen.  I really didn’t want to listen to this talk of marriage anymore.  It seemed everyone was to be married or betrothed sometime soon.
        
        A few days later, when Meg had indeed come back to Anne’s household, and when we were helping Anne into her nightgown, she declared in a hushed voice, “Thomas Cranmer is Archbishop of Canterbury.  Yet he shall not be given full title, for he is in Germany right now serving as the English Ambassador.”
        We could not tell by her tone if she was vexed or indifferent, yet neither of us said a thing, for we knew this would be good news if we were in Anne’s position.  The wedding would be pushed off, just for awhile then.
        
        The next day, though the Brandon’s did not come, Meg and I went out into court.  She had sent for her wet nurse so that she might enjoy court again.
        We sat at dinner and realized that all was much too quiet.  Usually the music played on lutes in the background could not be heard, yet the music was almost blaring now.
        People only shot occasional glances at the king and Anne, and for obvious reasons.  The king looked distraught.  And Anne, trying to be a good little queen-to-be, showed none of her anxiousness, in fact no emotion at all.
        “Nothing is right here,” Meg sighed, taking a bite of the cold food.
        Artichokes were served for the first time at this dinner.  It was an exotic vegetable that was said to help with fertility.  So the king was getting quite ready for when Anne would become his queen.  As it was occasionally whispered, Anne wasn’t getting any younger.
        And it was true.  All the worrying she did had set lines into her forehead, making her looked worried and anxious nearly all the time.
        The food was taken away fast, and then the tables taken away and put to the sides of the room for dancing.  Yet the dancing was not all the same.  Anne and the king were missing, not the center of dancing as they had been years ago.
        The king himself was getting along in his years, and was not that active youth.  His hair was turning gray and he was getting heavy.  Was that from the worry as well?
        Only few people danced.  
        I spotted Henry Grey and Henry Clifford standing together on the opposite side of the room from where Meg and I sat.
        “Henry Clifford is courting Eleanor,” I explained to her.
        “Oh, Eleanor is growing up!” Meg cried.
        “And Henry Grey and Frances are to be married in March,” I added.
        “Of course!  How could I have forgotten?  She invited William and I,” Meg was looking quite pale.  She was always looking that way these days since she had been back.
        “Are you ill, Meg?” I asked suddenly.
        She shook her head.  “My complexion hasn’t been quite lively as of late.  It is said that a child who is a girl steals your beauty,” she smiled.
        “You really are hoping for a girl, aren’t you?”
        “I would love to have a little girl.  And name her Elizabeth of course!” she laughed.
        “Oh Meg, you don’t have to name the child after me!”
        “Well who else would I name her after?”
        I shrugged.  “Catherine, maybe, or Mary.”
        “Elizabeth, you’ve always been here for me.  You’re the one that brought me into court.  It is your brother who I’m married to!  And besides, William likes the name as well.”
        I smiled at that, having their child named after me.  I’d have a little niece to love.  Would I feel connected to her?  Would she be like me?  For her sake I hoped not.  My life was something I wished no one else to have to go through.
        The music was too solemn and gray for me.  Meg noticed it to.
        “This music isn’t lively at all.  No wonder no one is dancing,” she sighed.  “William said it’s not worth it to come to court anymore.  That’s why he wouldn’t come.”
        “But perhaps, if he gets a title, he’ll be forced to come into court for awhile,” I suggested.
        “Maybe so.”  Meg let out a deep breath.  “I’m beginning to think court as it is now might not be safe.  Really wouldn’t it be better if we just all went back to Hertfordshire?”
        “Meg, court will always be my home,” I replied.          Perhaps I was beginning to think otherwise as well.  But I couldn’t think otherwise.  We were going to be at Windsor soon, and then I could sit on the cool grass and talk to Hannah again.  I couldn’t miss that.
        “Can you believe that I’ll be fifteen soon?  I’ve lived seven years here, Meg.  More than half my life.  I can’t just leave it behind.”
        “Well maybe with things going on like they are we’ll go back to the countryside before the baby is born, raise our children out there and only come to court occasionally,” Meg suggested.
        “Oh, you can’t leave me Meg!”
        “Elizabeth, I’m wanting you to come with us of course.  Things are dangerous here for Catholics,” her voice went low on the last word.
        “I won’t renounce my faith,” I said firmly.
        “I’m not saying you have to,” Meg said in a low voice.  “I’m just saying that if Anne finds out then you’re done for.”
        “Anne would not do a thing to me, I promise you!” I cried.
        “No one can trust her.  Why should you?”
        To that I did not respond.

        On the way back to Anne’s rooms I bumped into Henry, in fact I nearly tripped over him, yet he caught me in his arms before I could fall.
        “I’m sorry, it was my fault,” he apologized, holding me longer than he should have.
        I looked up into his pale face and into his blue eyes and caught their gaze for a few moments before picking myself up and straightening out my dress.
        He was carrying a bundle in his hands.
        “Where are you going?” I asked.
        “I was going to deliver this to a friend of my father’s in London,” he explained.  I could tell he was blushing, even in the dim light.  “Do…do you want to come with?”
        Having nothing to do, I agreed.  Really, I wanted to develop a friendship with Henry again, but nothing more.  He really was a sweet boy, after all.
        “Where is this place?” I asked when the carriage started rolling down the cobbled streets of London.
        I tried to focus on him, for still to this day I could not look those dark London alleyways in the eye.  After having lived there, cold and hungry, for weeks, I would never be able to forget.
        “It’s near the river,” he explained and I saw him blushing again.
        Was he thinking about that time, years ago, when my leg had been broken?  He had carried me over to the window on that cold winter’s morning so that I could see the Thames, completely frozen, with people skating upon it.  For sure I was thinking of it.
        It wasn’t long until the carriage pulled up to a grand house on the waterfront.  The smell of the river made me queasy, but I loved it all the same.
        “I’ll just take a moment,” he said and left me in the carriage.
        When he came back, I realized a group of people were gathering near the theater at the end of the street.  It was not yet dusk, and it was a beautiful night to see a play in the open-air theater.
        “Would you like to go see it?” Henry asked, reading my thoughts.
        I turned to him and smiled.  “Don’t we have to get back to court though?”
        “It’s not as if they need us,” he smiled.
        And so we had the driver drop us off at the little open-air theater by the river and after paying our half-penny, took our seats near the front to watch a play about Robin Hood.
        I didn’t remember much about the play, except that the actors were exceptionally good singers and that it was one of the best I had seen, though I had seen only a few.
        It seemed all I could really think about was Henry sitting beside me.  I could feel the warmth from his body especially on this cool night since we were sitting so close.  I tried not to think about how it would feel to be in his arms again, yet it was so hard not to.
        “Are you enjoying it?” he asked once.
        I nodded and then suddenly felt a chill come over me.  He put his arm around me, to warm me of course, and suddenly I felt that he was not Henry, but Tom.  Yet I didn’t want to push him away.  Oh, was that wrong?
        It was quite cold when the play was over and the sky was black.  It took us quite awhile until we found the carriage, and then to get home through the crowded streets took even longer.
        By the time we got back to court I was quite tired.  I didn’t even realize his arm was around me still.
        “Can I walk you to your room?” he asked.
        I nodded and then came even closer to him.  I could see the smile upon his face.  He hadn’t been that happy in so long, and I didn’t want to ruin it for him.
        When we reached my room-by the door from the hallway-I hesitated, “Uh…thanks for…for taking me…”
        He nodded and smiled.  “It was fun.  I’m glad that we’re friends again.”
        “Me too,” I could tell I was smiling again.
        Before he turned to go and before I turned to go in my room, I stood up on my tiptoes to give him a friendly kiss on the cheek.  It was just a friendly kiss of course, nothing more.
        But then he grabbed my arm and held me back.  We stood staring into each other’s eyes, neither of us daring to move.
        And before either of us could think-for I knew that if we were thinking, then it wouldn’t have happened-our lips were together.
        There was finally a spark in his kiss again, but I knew it was not his kiss I felt.  It was Tom’s.
        When our lips parted it was awkward, and we stared at each other as if we both could not believe what had just happened.  In fact, I could not believe it.  It had happened so fast that none of us could stop it.  Had he felt that same passion too?
        “Goodnight,” he whispered.
        “Wait,” I grabbed his arm and pulled him back.  “I…well…”
        “It’s okay,” he said.  “We’ll tell no one.”
        “Go on as if that didn’t just happen?”
        “We’re just friends,” I know he was saying it to reassure me, but it sounded as if he needed some reassurance as well.
        “Goodnight then,” I called to him as he left.
        I went into my room, feeling greatly vexed, and closed the door softly behind me.
        “Tom?” I whispered, my room so dark and quiet.  I was stupid for thinking I would get an answer.
        I could hear Anne’s shrill voice and the king’s booming voice quarreling in the next room.  I wondered if the Seymour’s were awake with the fighting as well.  If I knew them and Jane Boleyn well enough, they’d be standing at Anne’s door in order to better listen to what was being said.
        It seemed that Anne and the king were always quarreling about something, even the stupidest of things.
        I laid down on my bed and looked up at the dark ceiling.  I hadn’t even bothered to change into a nightgown, how perturbed I was.
        “Tom, was that you kissing me or was that Henry?” I asked the air.  “For sure it felt like you.”
        There was no answer but the wind hitting against the shutters.

        About a week later I was helping Anne into her corset and lacing it up tight when she said in a pained voice, “Catherine has been moved to a less comfortable spot at Enfield.”  I wasn’t sure if the pain was from the tight corset or from the guilt that she felt.
        “And it was the king’s decision of course, not yours?” I asked, pulling tighter on the laces.
        She let out a deep breath as it tightened against her ribs.  “No, I made the decision.”
        I pulled the tightest on the laces on purpose and she yelped out in pain.
        “Sorry,” I didn’t sound it.  “Must have pulled it too tight.”

        Later that day I was out riding with Anne.  It had been such a long while since I’d gone out to ride, and Anne would just have to do as my partner.
        “The weather is fair for mid-September,” she declared, obviously having nothing to talk about.
        I nodded in agreement.
        “How is Meg doing?” she asked.
        “She’s fine, yet sick in the mornings.”
        “Then it shall be a girl,” Anne was smiling.  “The astrologers say so.”
        “How would you know?”
        “A girl has to be ready for such a time.”
        “Do you want many children?”
        “I just want the boy.  After the boy I shall have no more.  I was never the one for children, yet maybe it might be nice to have a daughter, no matter what pains a woman must go through.”
        “What if Henry wants many children?”
        “He’ll get his boy.  After that, I’ll be set for the rest of my life.  Henry will love me, the country will love me…”
        “Doesn’t Henry already love you now?”
        “Well of course, just not as much as he used to,” Anne sighed.
        “He still loves you Anne.  Yet just remember that he is the king.  Even you may think you are higher, but he is the highest.”
        “Of course.  Yet the wife does rule the husband, does she not?” Anne giggled.
        “Anne!” I cried.
        “But I can rule the king, can I not?  Everything I do he obeys.  Such power should not be given to any other woman.  No one else can be trusted!”
        I sighed and turned away from her.  I hated Anne when she was vain.  It never did her good.
        “Are you going to go into court today?  I planned a masque!” she cried.
        “And shall you be a peacock or a butterfly?” I asked.
        “The peacock, of course!  The most beautiful of all creatures.  And you the butterfly, just as beautiful,” Anne explained.

        “Where did the red face paint go?”
        “I’ve got it!”
        “No, that’s pink Eleanor!”
        “Meg’s got the red.”
        “Elizabeth, go get the glitter from Anne!”
        These were just some of the shouts from my room where Eleanor, Frances, Meg, and I got ready for one of the biggest masques of the year.  It was the last day we’d be in the beautiful Hampton Court until next year, and we were going to dance again in the room filled with mirrors.  Anne had sent for the best French musicians, so it could not be so solemn and dreadful now.
        And I resolved to dance the night away with whichever men I chose.  It had been much too long since I’d danced with a man, and who in fact would know it was me in the first place with my full-faced butterfly mask?
        At seven o’clock we were done and we walked down arm in arm to the ballroom.  It had been much too long since the gold gilded and mirror-filled ballroom had been used.
        Meg at once went to her husband’s side; she was looking beautiful in a dove mask, and the rest of us unmarried girls scattered around as the music began to start.
        Frances quickly found Henry Grey and Eleanor found Henry Clifford and I was all alone.  All the women in beautiful dresses danced around me, their gold, silver, and deep red dresses twirling.
        I found myself about to sit down again just to watch as usual, but soon I saw a man with enticing green eyes looking over at me.  
        He was dancing with the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.  Her hair, deep caramel brown, rolled down her back in curls and waves.  It wasn’t done up like the rest.  I took it to be another Anne Boleyn follower, for Anne used to never put up her gorgeous hair, as she wanted to be French.
        But when the girl in the burgundy dress turned around to shoot a glance at me, the one who was being eyed by her man, I saw that she was quite different from the rest of the girls around her.  She had a sharp, pointed nose, and full lips set into a soft pucker.  She had high cheekbones and her skin was the creamiest white-it seemed naturally pale.  Her eyes were dark and haunting.
        Meg soon came over, tired from the dancing, yet didn’t notice how perplexed I was by this couple.  They were the comeliest people this court had ever seen.
        “Will is going to get us something to drink,” she said as she collapsed into the chair.
        There were little beads of sweat gathering on her forehead.
        “Don’t exert yourself, Meg, you are with child,” I reminded her.
        “A girl may still have some fun of course?”
        “I’m just looking out for you.”
        She smiled.
        Then I pointed to the couple.  “Do you know who they are?”
        “The girl is a beautiful creature, isn’t she?  I heard that she and her husband just came today from France.  She’s a Baron’s daughter or something of the nobility in France, and I suppose he is too.  Her name is Adelaide something or other.  I haven’t a clue who the boy is really,” Meg explained, shooting a glance at them.
        “They dance quite gracefully,” I declared.
        “They are French,” Meg responded.
        “Surely there are some French people who cannot dance.”
        “Well not in this court,” she was referring to Anne as well.
        I could see Anne and the king dancing, though for this one night, Anne wasn’t the one that was most beautiful, she wasn’t the girl with the most attention.  It was that new couple.  Even Anne, with the most beautiful peacock mask on, was beat out with the beautiful girl in the plain mask.
        Looking at Anne for a moment, I almost thought she was motioning for me to come over to her.  She was dancing though, and I knew I just couldn’t barge over the people dancing on the floor.
        And then I saw that she had been indeed wanting for me.  She stopped her dancing and called to me.
        “Anne wants you,” Meg said as if I couldn’t hear her.
        I reluctantly left Meg and walked over to Anne and the king.  I bowed to the king, who then nodded and took his leave of us standing off to the side of the dance floor.
        “You’ve seen that girl over there?” Anne’s voice was strained, and I could almost see tears in her eyes.
        I nodded.
        “She is as French as can be!  Do you not think so?” she cried.
        “I thought she did look rather different than the rest…more like you, maybe…”
        “I want you to go and dance with that husband of hers!” Anne exclaimed.
        “Why…?”
        “They look suspicious.  Henry let them into court today, yet I haven’t met them.  Go and get some information for me,” she pushed me onto the floor right as the musicians picked up their lutes and began to play Greensleeves.
        I hated playing spy for Anne, yet I couldn’t resist dancing with the tall, muscular man with the green eyes, especially during Greensleeves.
        To my luck, the boy’s wife took her leave of dancing, leaving him alone, and me alone across from him.
        I saw him reluctantly slide over to me, and my heart began to race.  What if he only spoke French, and what would his wife say if she saw me dancing with him?
        “May I have this dance,” oh he had the most alluring deep voice I had ever heard.  There was only a tint of a French accent in it.
        I gave him my hand and then he took hold of my waist.  Greensleeves was a slower paced song, one that didn’t require much effort dancing to.  That would give me ample reason to ask him some questions.
        “I’ve heard that you arrived in court today,” I began.
        He nodded.  His facial expression, or what I saw of it under his plain mask, was indifferent to me and the things I said.
        “Your wife’s name is Adelaide, right?” I asked.
        He nodded again.
        “And your name is…”
        “Pierre Laroque,” he replied.
        “Have you been married long, then, Pierre?” I inquired.
        “Do not call me Pierre!” he exclaimed.
        “I…” he surely wasn’t the nicest of men, that was for sure.
        “I’m sorry,” I looked into his eyes and saw that they were filled with pain, though I didn’t say a thing.
        “And your wife won’t mind if I dance with you?”
        He turned his head and looked over to the left.  I followed his glance and saw that Adelaide was dancing with someone else.  That seemed to be enough of an answer for him, for he said nothing else.
        I could feel his hand grasp my waist tighter as we turned around and he was coming closer to me.
        I backed off and forced ourselves apart again.  “I should really like to meet your wife one day!” I cried, trying to talk of something and to make him stop his advances towards me.
        I could see his eyes fill up with tears.
        “Are…are you okay?” I felt a sudden sympathy for him.
        And now he was mouthing the words to Greensleeves.
        “You know the song Greensleeves?  I hadn’t known it was popular in France,” I knew it wasn’t.  Anne had told me so!
        “I know it more than you think,” he mumbled, only loud enough for me to hear.  He grasped my waist tighter again.
        “I’ll have you know that I’m married!” I cried, wanting him to stop these advances.  All I wanted was to dance, not worry about things being close with anyone, especially one already married!
        “You’re not married…” suddenly the accent was gone and I had stopped my dancing.  This man was much too suspicious for my liking.  I needed to know who it was that was trying this on me, and I ripped the mask from his face though I could see the tears in his eyes.
        All was silent for a moment as the people stopped and stared.  All I could hear was Greensleeves being played as if one was at a funeral.  So haunting…so unreal.  It could not be.  I let the mask fall to the floor and ran away from the scene.

        It was the next day, on the ride to Hampton Court, that a spoke a word again.
        Anne and I were in a carriage together, just crying and letting it all out.  She understood, she truly did.  She was the only one I could be around, and though none of us had said a word, we knew they we were both in pain.
        “If I would have known then I…”  Anne sobbed.  We were both in terrible-looking dresses, for we knew we would be crying a good deal of the day.  And we wouldn’t have a dress ruined by tears.
        “Do you think he’s happy, with a wife now?” I asked.
        “Oh Elizabeth,” Anne held me close.  “I just wish it wasn’t so, for you.  I mean, you believed him to be dead.  Now he’s alive, and he’s married to another woman.”
        “How was he ever let back into court, I wasn’t sure,” the carriage stopped and I stole a peak out the window.  The sky was the darkest gray I had ever seen it, and now even Windsor did not appeal to me.  Windsor, the palace I had cherished for so long, now was nothing but another place to go.
        We waited until all the carriages had emptied out and everyone was in the castle.  Neither of us wished to face anyone in this cruel, cruel world.  Then we finally took leave of our carriage and climbed to the room that I always claimed as my own through the servant staircase.
        The room had a dismal look to it, and even after the rush lights were lit, there was nothing there for me.  I couldn’t bring myself to sit near the fire, for fear of the memories that might arise.
        “Do you think you’ll talk to him?” Anne asked.  Her eyes had never looked so pained before.  And, if I remembered correctly, they were brown then, and not black.
        “Well I must, of course.  How else will I know why all this came to be?”
        “I could talk to him…”
        “No, Anne.  ‘Tis my business.”
        “Stop torturing yourself Elizabeth!” she cried and wiped some more tears from her face.  “Let me correct this for you!  At least you’ll have friendship with him!”
        “Do you think I could ever be friends with him?  I don’t know if he married because he had to, or because he didn’t love me anymore!” I exclaimed.
        “Elizabeth, Tom will never stop loving you,” Anne declared softly.
        “Then how do you explain his beautiful French wife?”
        “Like you said, he was probably forced.”
        “Yet I will never know…”
        “What do you mean?”
        “I’m not talking to him ever again!”
        She held me again as my sobs consumed me.  Tom was gone; it was just like he was dead still.  What was different…except that he was right before me, he was right there, yet so far away?
        “I…I’m going to get something for us to eat so we may talk awhile still,” Anne declared, getting up.
        “I’m not hungry,” I lied.  I hadn’t eaten much in awhile.
        “Well I’ll bring something up for you anyway,” she smiled softly and then left.
        I liked Anne in times like these.  Why wasn’t she always like this, like she used to be?
        I laid on my bed and looked up to the ceiling.
        “God, why must you torture me so?” I whispered.  “Have I done wrong?  Tell me, God, is there something I can do to make things better for me?”
        I felt as if there was nothing I could do.  And what could I do?  Tom was married to another woman and I was just destined to die alone.
        I jumped when I heard a voice coming from the door.  “I expected you to be in here.”
        I did not reply, I didn’t want to be forced to talk to him.
        “Elizabeth, surely you know this was only to come back to you?” he sounded pained, but I did not care.  I would hurt him like he hurt me.
        “You are horrible, Thomas Devon,” I muttered, still not looking at him.
        “Why not let me explain?  Jumping to conclusions is not a very useful skill,” I turned and saw he was smiling.  He was teasing me.
        “I thought you were dead,” I said after moments of contemplating on what to say.  I could feel the tears collect suddenly in my eyes and forced myself to let them go.
        “I had to do it,” he said softly, coming over to sit next to me on the bed.
        He was so close to me that I could feel the heat coming from his body.  Oh, how I just wanted him to hold me close to him, but it would never be.
        “No you didn’t!” I cried, tears falling from my eyes as I finally looked right into his eyes.  “I thought you loved me Tom, and that you died because you could not have me when in fact you were off courting more beautiful girls than I.  Tell me why you did this to me, leaving me alone and thinking you were dead for so many months with all these things left unsaid…”
        At that moment I flung my arms around him, so uncontrollable my feelings were at the moments.  And he was holding me tightly.
        “Elizabeth, I never ever wished to hurt you.  My father made my mother write the letter, forcing me to forget you because he hoped you wouldn’t wait for me anymore.  But I wasn’t stupid; I knew you would still have hope even if there was no hope at all.  
        “My father soon proposed a marriage between Adelaide, the daughter of a wealthy wine merchant, and myself.  My father told me she was ill, that she had a disease no one in France could cure.  He told me to go to England, and see if a cure could be found there.  Otherwise, I could not refuse.  The doctors enforced that she would be dead in a few years and she wouldn’t be able to have children and I gathered that she was my only ticket back to you.  
        “I know that sounds horrible, that Adelaide could have had a better life back in a beautiful land as France where she friends and family, but Elizabeth, it was the only way.  She doesn’t know about you, of course, but in due time I’ll tell her.  
        “I swear to you I love you and only you, and never have or will come to love Adelaide, yet I do respect her, for she brought me back to you.  And maybe a thing I say to you does not matter in your mind where I have hurt you so, but Elizabeth, I love you, so much more than I can tell you how…”
        I brought my eyes to look at his and saw that he was about to cry as well.
        “Don’t cry,” I whispered, knowing it was such a silly thing to say.  “I…I love you.”
        And then he kissed me.  Oh, how I had longed to kiss him after so many months of him being away, yet I could not but think that nothing good could come out of this.
        I turned away from him before he could kiss me again.  “I cannot,” I said firmly.
        “What do you mean?” he was looking so pained again.  I hated to see him that way.
        “I cannot love you, Tom.  I told myself I would forget you.  And maybe I should listen to myself.”  This was surely paining me more than him.  He was here before me, telling me he loved me, and yet I had to forget.
        “We love each other Elizabeth,” he muttered.
        “And that is why I must forget you,” my eyes were stinging with tears and my vision was blurry.
        He surely didn’t look ready to give me up.  “Do you know how hard this was?  How long I had to plan, had to convince everyone I knew of something other than my intents to come back to you?”
        “I know it hurts…it hurts me too…”
        “The rumors are true then?” he seemed to know something I didn’t.
        “Which rumors?”
        “Of you and Henry Brandon…”
        “Tom, you know that’s silly.  Henry has confined himself to Suffolk Place in Southwarke.”
        Tom’s eyes brightened and he let me go.  “So that is what you do then, tempt men, trap them in your spell, and then break their hearts for fun?  If this is what you’ve become, then you really are becoming like Anne.”
        “Who says I’m like Anne?” I cried.
        “You know you are like her!” he yelled and got off the bed, making to leave.  Things were not going like I had expected.
        “Tom, I…” but he was gone.  
        Yet it was a way to make him forget me.  From then on I heard not much of Thomas Devon, the man I had loved for so long.
        Was I in the wrong then?  First Henry, now Tom.  Yet there was a difference.  Henry was just there to make me think I never loved Tom, wasn’t he?  I had loved Tom as long as I’d known him.  So then it was my fault.  That’s what I would be getting after all.  No Tom…

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