well, i am someone’s grandmother, maybe the feelings come with the job? ;)
Haiku/Senryu / Who am i (Analysis)
To say who i am
will open myself to you
shall you come inside?
I am an old soul
inhabiting old body
with spirit of youth.
within me is peace
i have heard the voice of god
painfully joyous.
I but sum of parts
each thought extension of self
attains it’s own life.
I have love for all
my insight sees depth of you
demands disclosure
knowledge fulfills me
assimilation of soul
birth of new spirit
lighthearted laughter
effervescent silliness
sarcastic pundit
when you look at me
enlightened and lunatic
unfathomable
individual
uniqueness grown comfy in
skin everchanging
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JPWatt reviewed Version 2 -
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You have a great deal of talent I liked most all of these a lot, the last three were my favorite. The only mess up was in the one that started out: “I but sum”
great job!
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SANINATHEWRITER reviewed Version 2 -
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When i read this i thought about my grandmother….
you really hit home with this
i loved it
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 2 -
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These are actually quite good overall. The only one that seems to need any major reworking is #4, as the wording doesn’t sound right, especially line #1. Perhaps, “I’m a sum of parts…”, would work better. :)
ruthybird reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m not sure why, but “shall you come inside?” seems wrong to me. I think you should say “will you come inside?” I’ve heard “we shall” and “I shall” but never “shall you”—I don’t know.
Another correction: ”attains its own life”
You may think I’m being picky, but these things detract from the flow when a critical person is reading it.
Otherwise, an interesting piece. Not all that profound, but not bad either.
2lanecrossroad reviewed Version 2 -
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In this Self-awakening haiku i belive you trully do open up and express yourself and the truth of being individual very deep.you told the audience in my opinion enough and to a sence enlightened the mood. i very much enjoyed this haiku.Please do keep writing. I look forward to reading more.
Misticism reviewed Version 2 -
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Namaste’ Loved it! Viva la youthful joy trapped in the folds of our aging selves. You commanded your vocabulary with excellence. This is a favorite of mine.
meltonbooks reviewed Version 2 -
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very nice. unique description of yourself or your inspiration
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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You migfht take out the line. “Shall you come inside” It seems awkward. Add the word AN to ihabiting An old body
Add the to THE spirit of youth.
I am but the sum of all parts
Sees The depth of you.
The poem is very enlightening. I added a few wors to make it clearer. I hope you don’t mind the suggestions. This could be published in an inspirational book. It just needs a few words added i think. respectively Sandi k.
wordwan reviewed Version 2 -
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This piece is well thought out. I cannot comment on the haiku portion of it, but the content is sublime.
Thank you.
Heather
wordwan
ScorpionHunter reviewed Version 2 -
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It looks peculiar that the beginning of stanza 2 isn’t capitalized. “(an) old body” would better match “an old soul”. Having the subject (I) sometimes capitalized and sometimes not is just weird. As for stanza 8, I’m jelous I didn’t write it.
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