Steven thought he was just an ordinary boy living in an ordinary house on an ordinary street.
But, Steven was not an ordinary boy. He was, in fact… extraordinary!
One sunny summer day, Steven went to his backyard to play . . . as he ordinarily did.
His favorite place was a soft patch of green grass under a tree of extraordinary proportions.
The biggest . . .
the oldest . . .
the most extraordinary tree,
it was believed, for miles and miles.
Steven’s favorite thing to do, on such a perfect day, was to lie on his back in the middle of that soft patch of green grass, watching the clouds go by.
Counting them one by one . . .
until…
he’d counted them all.
But, on this extraordinarily beautiful day,
there were no clouds to count.
The perfect day,
it seemed,
to roll over and watch the ants parading by
in an ordinary
and
orderly fashion
on their daily trips
to wherever it is
ants go.
Steven watched as the ants went marching by
and noticed something quite out of the ordinary;
It looked as though some of them
were looking back at him . . .
and…
it looked like some of them were . . . waving . . . ?!
“Waving” ants???!!! Steven thought he must be seeing things. Because ants don’t’ ordinarily wave, do they?
But these ants were most certainly waving at him.
Steven waved back and braved a question, “Hi! Where are you guys going?”
“To work . . . to work . . . we’re going off to work!” a thousand tiny voices shouted back.
And now the ants were . . . talking?!
“Talking” ants???!!! Steven could not believe his ears or his eyes. Because ants don’t ordinarily talk . . . or, do they?
Waving ants . . . ? !
Talking ants . . . ? !
This was not going to be an ordinary day.
Just then, something scurried through the grass and hid behind a small branch which had fallen from the tree of extraordinary proportions.
The best thing to do(under such extraordinary circumstances)was to lie perfectly still . . .
and wait. Sooner or later . . . whatever it was,
(hiding behind that small branch) would have to show itself.
Sooner . . . or later.
But, being so very still
for so very long,
made Steven
so very tired.
The soft patch of green grass under the tree of extraordinary proportions made a wonderful bed
on such a perfect day.
A little nap would be very nice.
Something tickling the inside of his nose woke Steven up.
The ants were gone!
“Maybe I was just dreaming.” Steven thought and almost believed, when . . .
Right in front of him . . . !
Right where the ants had been . . . !!
Right in front of his nose . . . !!!
Not an inch away . . . !!!! stood a mouse.
A tiny mouse . . . tickling his nose with a tiny feather.
But this was no ordinary mouse.
Because . . . !
Ordinary mice
don’t ordinarily wear clothes!
And . . . !
Ordinary mice
don’t ordinarily need reading glasses . . . !
Because!!!
ORDINARY MICE DON’T ORDINARILY READ!!!
“Are you okay?” asked a tiny voice.
“Am I asleep?” asked Steven.
“I don’t believe you are!” the little mouse answered. “Because, if you are . . . then so am I. And I assure you; I am not!. . . It’s still daylight and I’m not in bed . . . so, I couldn’t possibly be asleep. Therefore, neither are you!. . . Hi, I’m Thomas Wentforth Field, as in ‘field-mouse’! Get it?. . . My friends call me ‘Tommy’. . . and I live here!. . . What’s your name?” The little mouse said in a single breath as he pointed to the tree of extraordinary proportions.
“Hi, I’m Mark Steven Calhoun. My friends call me ‘Steven’ and I live there.” Steven pointed back to his own house without taking his eyes off Tommy for fear he would disappear.
(‘I’m talking to a mouse!’, Steven thought to himself.)
“I know, I watch you play. Mostly by yourself. ” said Tommy.
(And the mouse is talking to me!)
Just then, something noisy came scurrying toward them from the tree of extraordinary proportions.
The closer it came . . . the louder it got!
“Mark my words!”
“Losing magic is tragic!”
“Oh my!”
“Oh my, my!”
“Losing magic is tragic!”
“Nothing more tragic than losing magic!”
“Mark my words!”
“Umm . . . that would be my dad.” Said Tommy as another mouse ran up to stand in front of the two boys.
This mouse had reading glasses, wore a jacket and carried a book satchel.
“ORDINARY MICE DON’T ORDINARILY READ!” Was all Steven could think.
This was certainly not going to be an ordinary day.
Pushing his sliding spectacles back up his nose where they belonged, Tommy’s dad gave Steven
an extraordinarily stern look and proceeded (once, again) to tell Tommy:
“Thomas Wentforth Field!”
“What have I told you?!”
“Haven’t I warned you?!”
“Are you trying to break your mother’s heart?!”
“You should not let ‘them’ see you!!!”
“You know they’ve lost magic!!!
A tiny finger pointed accusingly at Steven.
“No imagination . . . No magic!”
“Mark my words!”
“No good will come of this!”
“Losing magic is tragic!”
“Losing magic is tragic!”
“What is this world coming to?!”
The words trailed off as Tommy’s dad scurried away through the grass, back toward the tree of extraordinary proportions.
“What was all that about . . . ?” Steven asked Tommy.
“Well . . . ” Tommy began. “My dad is headmaster at the ‘Meadowside School for All Those Willing to Learn’. . . He teaches a class about how a world without imagination, will become ‘ordinary’. It happens slowly, one person at a time. He believes that “they”!... YOU!... have already lost most of the magic in the world. And . . . He thinks that people, you know . . . people like you and your mom and your dad are too busy doing ordinary ‘people’ stuff to see the world the way it really is. And . . . He thinks that the older “they”!. . . YOU!. . . get to be, the more magic you lose. Until one day there won’t be any magic . . . anywhere . . . Ever! . . and then; without magic, the whole world will be ordinary. So, you see; ‘No imagination. No magic!’and that would be tragic. . . So; ‘Losing magic is tragic!’ . . . He says it all the time.”
Tommy caught his breath as Steven thought about how sad and ordinary the world would be without magic .
“Do you think I have magic?” Steven asked Tommy. He was a little afraid the answer might be “No”.
After thinking about the question for what seemed like an extraordinarily long time, Tommy answered. “That’s just silly!!! Of course you do!. . . Of course you have magic! You can see me!. . . and . . . you met my dad . . . and . . . we are having this conversation. So, you must have magic!”
Steven eagerly agreed, “I really do have magic, after all!”
This idea made both boys so happy they rolled around and around in the soft patch of green grass under the tree of extrordianry proportions, giggling and laughing until their bellies hurt.
They lay side by side, holding their stomachs, trying to catch their breath, when Steven had a very unhappy thought; “What if I’m just dreaming and I wake up and I don’t have magic and you’re gone?!”
“Hmmm . . . !” Tommy was thinking very hard. “Okay, we’ve already decided; You aren’t dreaming… you aren’t sleeping… we are talking… So, you must have magic.” Tommy sounded convinced. “And . . . besides, where would I go?... I live right here!” Tommy couldn’t quite understand where else he could possibly be other than right here where he belonged.
Then Tommy had a brilliant idea.“I know! Let’s ask my mom. She’s at home baking meadow berry pies. She knows about stuff like this . . . and, if she says you have magic . . . then you have magic!”
“Uhhhmm, there is just one little thing, though . . . she scares easily. So wait right here until I talk to her. Okay?”
Tommy ran back to the tree of extraordinary proportions and disappeared through a tiny door, which Steven had never noticed before. Tommy wanted to explain to his mom that a new friend was coming over . . . and . . . that his new friend was a boy.
“Your new friend is a boy . . . ?!” Tommy’s mom said nervously. “A real boy?!”
“What will your father say . . . Oh my! Oh my, my! What will your father say?”
After Tommy explained that Steven had already met his dad . . . still had magic . . . and, was really nice, his mom agreed she would be delighted to meet him as well.
Delighted? . . . Yes! . . . But nonetheless worried. Worried she hadn’t baked nearly enough meadow berry pies.
Dusted with flour and carrying a pie in each hand, Tommy’s mom timidly approached Steven. She was still a little nervous about meeting a real boy.
“This is my mom.” Tommy said proudly.
“She bakes the best pies in the whole world!”
“Hi. I hope I didn’t scare you . . . too much.” Steven said, wishing for the first time he were a lot smaller than he was.
“Why, of course not. Don’t be silly. You didn’t scare me one little bit.” Tommy’s mom nervously reassured Steven.
“I’m Mrs. Field, as in “field-mouse”. Tommy has told me so much about you and I am very pleased to meet you. I’ve never met a real boy before and I never thought I would. And . . . I can clearly see . . . you have magic! How wonderful! Oh my! This is a most extraordinary day.” Tommy’s mom said excitedly.
“Would you like a meadow berry pie, or . . . two?” Mrs. Field added as a huge smile spread across Steven’s face.
The pies smelled so delicious that he wanted to say ‘Yes!’. But, remembering his manners, Steven politely refused.
“Don’t be silly. You must try them. We have more than enough. I’ve been baking all morning and I lost count. Now we have two too many.” said Mrs. Field.
Steven popped the buttery pies into his mouth one at a time. They were the most deliciously sweet pies he had ever tasted. They were also the tiniest pies he had ever seen.
“Thank you, Mrs. Field. Those were the best pies I ever had.” Steven said, remembering his manners. “And I’m glad I didn’t scare you.” he added.
“You are very welcome! It’s always nice to meet one of Tommy’s friends . . . especially one as polite as you. I hope you’ll visit again, soon. Well, I must run. Pies to bake!... Pies to bake!” Said Mrs. Field as she scurried back to the tree of extraordinary proportions and disappeared through the tiny door.
Steven was delighting in the last bit of buttery sweetness when Tommy jumped up and shouted,
“See! You DO have magic. My mom said so! Now we can be best friends forever! . . . And . . . you can come over anytime you want! . . . And . . . we can play! . . . And . . . my mom bakes pies all the time!”
Steven was equally delighted. On this anything but ordinary day, he discovered he really did have “magic”… and, he had found a new best friend right in his very own backyard! And . . . now there were also Mrs. Field’s deliciously sweet and buttery meadow berry pies to dream about.
And so began the most extraordinary friendship between a boy and a mouse. A friendship filled with the magic of imagination.
Steven and Tommy would share many great adventures together, as best friends do.
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i think you have a great children’s story here!!! i can see the pictures in the book already!!
one thing i will admit bothered me was your abundant use of the ”. . .”. i think you used those a little bit too much. they’re in almost every sentence, and i don’t think you need them in every sentence. for example, when mrs. fields says, “It’s always nice to meet one of Tommy’s friends . . . especially one as polite as you,” you can use a comma after the word “friends” instead of the dots (i can’t remember the name of them. it starts with an e, though!!!:-)).
another thing. when the same person is speaking, you don’t need to start a new paragraph, unless it’s a new page or something. for example, when mrs. fields is talking again: “Why, of course not. Don’t be silly. You didn’t scare me one little bit.” Tommy’s mom nervously reassured Steven.
“I’m Mrs. Field, as in “field-mouse”. Tommy has told me so much about you and I am very pleased to meet you. I’ve never met a real boy before and I never thought I would. And . . . I can clearly see . . . you have magic! How wonderful! Oh my! This is a most extraordinary day.” Tommy’s mom said excitedly.
all that would work wonderfully as one paragraph. you don’t need separate paragraphs. you do that throughtout your whole story, i noticed, but it’s easy enough to fix.
oh, and when steven’s talking to himself, you don’t need to put that in parenthesis. you can leave it as is without them. :-)
i hope all this helps!!! have a great day, and wonderful story!!!
This is an amazingly well put together story. I hope to see where it goes in the future. Steven seems like an extremely well pulled together character (very well developed, has an actual mind that thinks rather than “he did this, he did that”).
I noticed that you use periods rather than commas when you have characters speak (like, when you say “Thank you, Mrs. Field. Those were the best pies I ever had.” Steven said, remembering his manners.) I’m not sure if there is some acception to a rule, but I always thought that commas were what went here… if I’m wrong, my apologies!
Also, I am fairly certain “anytime” should be “any time”
Since this is a children’s story, I appreciate the fact that you use such simple diction. I can’t stand writers who use humongous words I hardly know in their children’s books. I know children are supposed to learn while they read, but come on! If they are six, ‘buttery’ is a fairly good description word to teach them, not ‘atrocious.’ :P
You should seriously think of polishing this into a series. I admit that I did enjoy this. I remember when I use to lie under giant trees and get lost in imagination. I still do, but there is just something about a child-like imagination that cannot be easily regained. There was something magical about this . Maybe because it reminded me of my youth.
With a little work, these two are poised to go on extraordinary adventures.
This is very cute. It’s almost like a clean and edited children’s version of Harry Potter.
I can easily envision reading this story to the after-school children ages 9-11 that I babysit. They would love it. What I really loved about it:
”a tree of extraordinary proportions”...this is a wonderful expression of the limitless boundaries of one’s imagination.
”To work . . . to work . . . we’re going off to work!” a thousand tiny voices shouted back” Every child I have known have been fascinated by ants; especially how they move in a single line. I think this provides an answer to a universal question that every child has wondered at some point in their life.
But, most of all: ““Losing magic is tragic!” Really, this is a beautiful thought, especially since the message is directed at a child. It is a thought I will commit to memory, because innocence loss; is never truly regained. Children should be able to be in awe and wonder as long as possible in their childhood and this message prolongs their belief in magic.
I was a little confused by the arrangement of dialogue. The paragraph where Tommy introduces himself with detailed explanations and dramatic (but natural pauses) made complete sense and flowed well for me to read and understand the content immediately. Then, you segue to:
”“Hi, I’m Mark Steven Calhoun. My friends call me ‘Steven’ and I live there.” Steven pointed back to his own house without taking his eyes off Tommy for fear he…”
(‘I’m talking to a mouse!’, Steven thought to himself.)
Steven’s introduction of himself is fine, but I would remove the space and tack the part in (parens) to the end of his statement and simply italicized the I’m talking to a mouse! The italics symbolizes its an internal thought, not spoken and can fall right behind the sentence that ends ”...fear he would disappear”. This attaches the thought to Steven without having to state the obvious when you write “Steven thought to himself”. Just a suggestion, but it streamlines the dialogue and when you add lines and spaces for emphasis and reflections…those sections stand out as unique and both, your dialogue internal and spoken are presented in two distinct styles that helps to eliminate confusion. Just and idea.
Loved the story, but love the theme even more. A world without imagination is as miserable thought as a world without color. It’s a heartwarming, whimsical and an original story. Good luck
verry good story. its very original and catchy!!! i dont think i have anything to critique, its really quite good. I hope you write more so i can read that to!!
Enchanting tale. I would love to have this in a book for my grandson. I believe every child would enjoy this story immensely. Very good job. I loved it!!
I like the way you turned the ordinary into the extraordinary! It was wonderful!!
The action was a little hard to follow. I found myself confused when suddenly the father showed up, and then Tommy. The dialogue is very good though – I had a chuckle quite often at the back and forthness. Very good there!
All in all, a lot of promise. This sounds like a good one and I look forawrds to reading more.
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