You need to learn to interperate things on more than just the words on the text it is meant to be comprehended simply as this, One side is one way the other follows a different path this IS clearly shown in the text each Gemini is different but we are all the same in the aspect duality, do not judge my meaning.
Poetry / Gemini
Gemini, The Dark and Light. One has logic one has Might.
In the Sun we have one form, but in the Moon we are the Children of the Corn.
The Twins without two separate bodies, one burns the midnight oil, the other, karate.
The Dark and the Light, the Sun and the Moonlight.
The brawn and the brain, we will always walk as our own cane.
When we look around and show what we see, we divide and conquer so unnaturally.
Too much brawn or too much brain, with this combination we will always be sane.
So look into my eye and you will see the original Gemini.
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AngelRain reviewed Version 2 -
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I think the line, “The brawn and the brain will always walk as the other’s cane” -Needs to be reworded. The rest of the poem is young and screams life, yet a cane reminds of something old and feeble. In that way, it doesn’t fit.
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420BC reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the content. I like it that the content is clear and easy to understand. There are some flow issues. With the style you have chosen, rhyme and meter become very important. Line 4 sticks out the worst. It breaks up the rhythm and rhyme, but the poem keeps going as if the break was not intended. The other lines lack a consistent meter to hold them together.
SkyeRayven reviewed Version 2 -
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I love how everything was opposites, I understand that was the point. But I loved that, and I loved how you tied it all together as describing yourself in the end.
The brawn and the brain repition with differences was great, showing that one needs the other as a “cane” but it can cause one to go insane. Great poem.
-Skye
1turkiegirl reviewed Version 2 -
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I see you are aware that form can reinforce and
enhance meaning. Most places you use equal and
balanced structure and images. The heart of what
you are saying is expressed in the tone
& mood, and overall is appealing to reader.
I like the comparison of Gemini & twin, dark & light
brawn & brain, moon & sun. You should continue theme
Use accurate, specific details instead of generalized,
abstract qualities and actions.
ex. physical senses, sight, sound, smell, taste, touch.
You need specific details the reader shares in common with you.
You must CLARIFY condition/action in the following lines:
L3 one stays the midnight, the other is Naughty
L6 When we look around and take what we see
L7 Too much brawn or too much brain
L9 So look into my eyes, tell me what you see
L10 So let us be and let us run
Take out the unnecessary overused words. Broad
pronouns, misplaced modifiers, and phrases clog prose.
Wordiness causes confusion:
So look into, so let us, so unnaturally, no way to, one has
in the, and the, one is, one stays, the other is, no way to
to tell, what you see, makes us, too much, when we, what we,
and the, we are, either is me, will always, yet one, one half
too much, has logic, has might, we look, around and take, into
my eyes, tell me, etc.
Organize lines and stanzas to enhance meaning. Consider best word placement
and length of phrases. Repeat grammatical structure.
L3 “THE TWINS CONTAINED IN A SINGLE BODY, ONE STAYS THE MIDNIGHT, THE OTHER IS NAUGHTY.”
Twins contained in single body” this should be about psychological behavior or characteristics. What does
stays the midnight” mean? Doesn’t apply. Is
naughty dark? One should be light, day, sun image…”clings to daylight”? Illogical comparison as it is written.
L6 “WHEN WE LOOK AROUND AND TAKE WHAT WE SEE, WE DIVIDE AND CONQUER SO UNNATURALLY.”
Unnecessary words except: divide, conquer. The line does not
relate to light & dark analogy.
L9 “SO LOOK IN MY EYES, TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE, THE MIDNIGHT OR DAYLIGHT, EITHER IS ME.”
If you rewrite using concrete image that connects to theme dual persona, dichotomy, day/night,
sun/moon it should work. Repeats prior line.
Shifting P.O.V. is confusing within the text.
The emotion is clear, but needs revised for meaning instead of rhyme.
Elandra reviewed Version 2 -
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Personally, I love your rhyme scheme, but I feel that it would make a better read if you split the rhyming lines in half. I believe this would help with the flow of the poem, cutting down some of those very long lines that almost read as prose at times.
The line “One stays the midnight, the other is Naughty” didn’t make much sense to me? I can’t make a connection between midnight and being naughty.
Overall an excellent theme and shows great potential. I enjoyed the idea that they are one and the same, and yet are always separated because of their differences. Great work!
Timmythethird reviewed Version 2 -
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As this being my first thing to critique please do not be harsh in reply. I’m not some know it all and only know what to me makes sense. However i’m not your crowd so really this shouldn’t be taken to hardly. I believe that this could be taken as something about twins, like a ying and yang sort although opposite in perfect opposition they are also completion. And without one the other would not be able to go. The only complaint I have is although it is a good idea to switch up a rhyme scheme at some times it just felt like a random increase in rhymes, sort of like a rap of sorts if you will. I greatly admire this poem however and believe you’ve done a great job. The rhyme scheme is the only thing that is disagreeable with me.
webwriter reviewed Version 1 -
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Being a Gemini, I find this an interesting take on the 2 halves. A few awkward things that stick out for me:
Children of the Corn- I think that could be reworded. If it pertains to the movie, not all have seen it and if a person has- that’s a pretty strong comparison. Also, you may have used it just to rhyme?
“The Twins without two seperate bodies” could be ‘Twins without seperate bodies’
Also, I like that one burns the midnight oil, but why choose karate? Good poetry doesn’t have to rhyme exactly (I know you said you were new at this, so just a little tidbit- my 2 cents call it). When you use words only to rhyme you often lose the visual you were going for. I think the other half needs a stronger description than karate. Ok, enough on that…
“The Dark and the Light, the Sun and the Moonlight” could stick with the opposite theme with just ‘the Sun and the Moon’ and keep the rythm.
Another line I kept getting stuck on:
“Too much brawn or too much brain, with this combination we will always be sane.”
You refer to the brawn and brain above this line. Perhaps with THIS line you could refer to what happens when there is “too much” on either side. Example:
‘Too much brawn or too much brain, with this imbalance we could go insane.’
Then I think there should be a little more meat about the Gemini before your last line. It would bring it back around before you ask us to look into your eyes (I think it should be ‘eyes’ instead of “eye”).
For example, think of what the person would see and touch on that before asking the reader to look. Would they see turmoil? A struggle between sides? Sometimes one side, sometimes another? I just think a strong visual to what may be seen would go in well before you end.
Regards-
WebWriter
liquidlanguage reviewed Version 1 -
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Hm, I feel that a lot could be done with the poem. Overall, I like the subject matter, because the truth about life is that there is the yin and yang of everything around us.
A critique…I believe that true poetry is concise, you say the most, paint the most vivid pictures with brevity and STRONG words. It also never hurts to pour on the details to capture your readers imagination. I liked how you began this with ‘Darkness’ ‘Light’
Take a look at how many times you used words such as ‘and’ ‘the’. Look at lines 3, 4 & 5, they all begin with ‘The’. I think it would do you some good to spice up the language with words that are more intense. You always have room to cut some out, while beefing it up with more vivid language, perhaps even wordplay. Another repetitive thing in this poem is the diving comma in most of the lines, I feel like you would benefit more from making that a line break, instead of a comma. I counted the syllables, and you could definitely benefit from shorter lines, it helps to keep a rhythm, and makes it more fun for the reader.
I also am scratching my head about why you capitalized ‘we are the Children Of the Corn’? Is that a reference to the movies?
Is this refering to your astrological sign? I love astrology, and often find myself writing it into my poetry.
Overall, a strong start, but lots of opportunity to make this poem a harder hitter ;)
poeticsephiroth reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel like you’ve got a great idea, but (and I’ll say this as gently as I can, ‘cause you said you’re new to this style) The execution is slightly lacking… Some of the rhymes seem forced and some lines are just not very well structured (Line 5 for instance…). It’s not a lost cause, though… It just needs a bit of work to hammer out the dents. I will say that the last line is really nice, although you destroyed its internal rhyme. The last word should rhyme with “see”)... If it were me, I’d see what it’s like without the rhyme (or at least with less rhyme; just do what feel natural, not the forced rhyme-for-the-sake-of-rhyme rhyme… Hope that helps!
jordanmcdowell reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure that the poem flows naturally enough, the fragmented sentences make it hard to read and/or understand.
with the theme of Gemini as your chosen topic the plethora of structures open to your are vast and I’d like to see you explore them more fully. For example, a poem looking at the two opposite Gemini twins? A poem with two collumns describing the two Gemini twins? I just don’t think the structure of this poem best suits your ideas.
Keep writing!!
Jordan*!
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