Short Story / Spirit Rage (Analysis)

While it is admirable to use writing as a form of catharsis, a short story cannot be held us by it’s author’s emotional release alone.  The first sentence is a bit hard to follow.  It’s missing a couple of commas and ‘mow’ seems awkward.  The sentences to follow do little to form the framework of a story but do evoke strong feelings and a conjuring of vivid images.  The writing itself IS good, I’m just not sure if it would be better characterized as poetry.

This is really almost flash fiction and doesn’t really have a character so its hard to classify as a short story

not bad, it is a deep read, i like that, but unclear on exactly what your plot is.

Good luck!

i’m not sure i follow you here.  the language you use to generate your imagery is very complex and looses a lot of meaning and power as the reader tries to figure out what you are trying to say.  this is compounded by the fact that there is so little complimentary material to give context.  is this a short story like it says at the top?  it works much better as is when considered as a poem, but then as a poem the line breaks don’t really work out that well.  i think if you want this piece to really be strong you should really develop the imagery because it has a real manifesto feel to it that i would love to see it expanded.

This didn’t make a huge amount of sense to me.  I think I’ve got a rough idea of what you are trying to communicate, but a lot of the sentences are confusingly phrased and there are some mispelled words that don’t make understanding this any easier; ‘enter twines’ for example – that had me really confused for a while – it’s ‘intertwines’.  That said, it is going to take more than a few little alterations to spellings and word order and grammar to make this enjoyable to read or clear in its meaning.

This also seems a lot more like a poetry than a short story, or thoughts that would be better suited to journal/lifestyle/blogging.  There are no characters here, no description of scene, and no story either.

Why don’t you take the emotion and feeling you are trying to get across and ground it in a character within a story? That would make it a lot more fun to read and might help you better communicate your thoughts.

Sorry I can’t be more positive.  Maybe with a few formatting changes this would be better received in the poetry genre?  

I like your diction and syntax, and parts of this piece are very poetic.

That said, it isn’t much of a story. At least, I don’t think it is – it was very unclear what exactly was going on. And your Notes for Reviewer didn’t clarify things.

This isn’t a story: it reads like a poem.  As a rant against old age and mortality, it is not quite up there with Dylan Thomas’s “Do not go gentle into that Good Night.” That said, it does have some things to say about the aging process, e.g. : “Joints and bones cry out in symphony to muscles that scream the memories of the past.”

The line “When is renewal bound” is ambiguous: do you mean “bound” as in tied up or “bound” as in inevitable?  Semantically, the first is more probable, but syntactically, the second is implied.

Some of the sentiments are cleverly worded, but the third paragraph is excessively cryptic.  Reading the third and fourth paragraphs together, I assume you are saying that faith offers comfort when faced with the loss of the things of youth.  Again, this may be true, but it doesn’t match up to the way May Ehrmann’s Desiderata (“Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.”)

I also found the reviewer notes somewhat cryptic and am not sure how you wanted them applied to the piece itself.

I’m sorry to be so negative with these comparisons but that’s only because I believe that this work can be rewritten and raised to a higher level.

And call it a POEM for God’s sake!

This one is lacking some details I think that could really make it enjoyable. It doesnt give enough details about what is going on, what is happening and what is going to happen. Keep at it though – I see potential for this Phoenix!

Sorry.  Guess I’m old school.  Short stories must have a character(s), a plot and movement.  This doesn’t.  Some of the language is nice and creatively put together but at best it functions as essay.