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Poetry / An Aspiring Poet Bites the Dust (Analysis)
A somber, yet airy work is in order,
or so the mood dictates,
something bony, perhaps, skeletal,
inviting doom from more ferocious
critics of the self-indulgent art
of expressive cadence and the flesh-eating
butterflies of flowery verse.
Something manly, yet sensitive, effectively
camouflaged in avant-garde form, concealing
deeper puddles of testosterone, repression,
oppression, regression, suppression, obsession,
secession and confession. Treacherous going
in three-inch heels.
Or leather-teddy feminism, fierce, yet nurturing,
assertive, with just a hint of aggression and the
slightest suggestion of petulance. But truth will out.
“If you hate men, try a girlfriend on for size.”
But then . . .
I have no deity to praise,
no kitty to adore,
no unattainable love to immortalize,
no bloody conflict to glamorize,
no political axe to grind,
no sunrise moving me,
no sunset either,
no odes to friendship, motherhood, brotherhood,
fatherhood, sisterhood, neighborhood, Ford hood, Fort Hood
or Little Red Riding Hood,
no kinship with nature or God’s furry beasties,
no Zen enlightenment,
no reason at all for stroking the keyboard
no reason
at all.
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NikkiOneEve reviewed Version 1 -
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Well written and the usage of your words were very detailed personally it felt so melodramatic. I felt like I was reading a eulogy to writing and I was sad after reading it.
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AVRP reviewed Version 1 -
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Hum! Very well done! I am not sure what to say. While it has no pattern its still a very good poem and I was quite entertained. Well written, you definitely have talent. Keep it up!
ninjaj5 reviewed Version 1 -
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beautiful!
though it feels like it jumps in and out the dark brooding poet and into a girl’s blog… words like “beasties” and “kitties” just don’t seem to mesh with “expressive cadence and the flesh-eating butterflies of flowery verse.”
nails29 reviewed Version 1 -
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there’s a vague sense of dissatisfaction. if it wasn’t for the title i wouldn’t know what this is about. ”leather-teddy” and “butterflies” are cool. that would make a good contrast, but their placed so far apart in the writing.
dreamslost reviewed Version 1 -
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the first section was my favorite, you make a good point but it is kind of disconnected,
halebop reviewed Version 1 -
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Re;general impressions.
Masked malaise.It moves like a maple leaf veign-side up,under its own way to the deep end of a breathless pond.Leaves no wake.Refreshingly indulgent.In the no’.Maybe the gal will come back around your way.Press on!H.
youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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this is clever, not very sympathetic i suppose, but i like it a lot. nice opening stanzas, it is evocative, it shows you can ‘do it’ as you start in on the criticisms.some thoughts:
with just a hint of aggression - is with aggression’s hint better rhythmically
But truth will out.
“If you hate men, try a girlfriend on for size.” – this might read as homophobic.
no unattainable love to immortalize – this is a nice idea not sure it quite scans
no bloody conflict to glamorize, – does war scan better than conflict?
is ‘no axe of politics’ more rhythmic?
inxthexpinesx reviewed Version 1 -
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First Verse: I think that a period would work better at the end of the second line in this stanza. “skeletal would work better if it has its own line, it would help the reader follow your train of thought as if it were occuring as they were reading it. The imagery you use is very thoughtful and give and air of preciseness about it, this is a very good quality.
Second Verse: I think that instead of using “manly” in the first line, you should use “masculine”. At the end of two of these lines you have an adjective that you use to describe something on the next line, this is a clever form, but each word would be more savory if you gave them each their own line. Why isnt “treacherous going in three inch heels” on its own line? I relize this must be a unique style of yours that i wont comment on anymore, sorry.
Deeper puddles of testosterone is a very good omage by the way
Usually i review verse by verse to help with grammatical errors and flawed word choice, and to all around more specific, but i have decided that that is not necessary with this piece. This poem is refined, well versed, unique, and has great imagery. Im sorry i have no more constructive critisim for you, i feel as if you should be giving tips to me instead of vice versa.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem is perfect the way it is. I cannot criticize something that needs no help. I see and dozens of poems everyday and this one srands on its on, ok. Sorry i can’t find anything that i would change and i can be very tough. It could be published the way it is. Sandi K.
avkoshy reviewed Version 1 -
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The poem knows what it’s doing -:)
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