Thanks. I’ll work on it.
Poetry / An Aspiring Poet Bites the Dust (Analysis)
A somber, yet airy work is in order,
or so the mood dictates,
something bony, perhaps, skeletal,
inviting doom from more ferocious
critics of the self-indulgent art
of expressive cadence and the flesh-eating
butterflies of flowery verse.
Something manly, yet sensitive, effectively
camouflaged in avant-garde form, concealing
deeper puddles of testosterone, repression,
oppression, regression, suppression, obsession,
secession and confession. Treacherous going
in three-inch heels.
Or leather-teddy feminism, fierce, yet nurturing,
assertive, with just a hint of aggression and the
slightest suggestion of petulance. But truth will out.
“If you hate men, try a girlfriend on for size.”
But then . . .
I have no deity to praise,
no kitty to adore,
no unattainable love to immortalize,
no bloody conflict to glamorize,
no political axe to grind,
no sunrise moving me,
no sunset either,
no odes to friendship, motherhood, brotherhood,
fatherhood, sisterhood, neighborhood, Ford hood, Fort Hood
or Little Red Riding Hood,
no kinship with nature or God’s furry beasties,
no Zen enlightenment,
no reason at all for stroking the keyboard
no reason
at all.
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elf_asura reviewed Version 1 -
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1. I have no complaints really. You are really working at the level of craftsmanship.
2. However, I feel this is two poems or two sections of perhaps an even longer poem. That is, I feel the first poem ends just above the “But then” which seems to me to be an after thought.
3. The pace and structure shifts heavily after “but then” and that disturbs me and I feel the poem weakens after “But then”.
4. The second part in itself stands pretty strong except for the last two lines. What if it ends at keyboard?
5. I like the device of “listing” you have used in the second section. It’s pretty effective.
6. Likewise, I like the rolling phrases, images in the first three verses.
You’re good but I still want to see a second version of perhaps two poems. And if it remains a single poem, ver 2.0 will be radically different?
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ninjaj5 reviewed Version 1 -
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beautiful!
though it feels like it jumps in and out the dark brooding poet and into a girl’s blog… words like “beasties” and “kitties” just don’t seem to mesh with “expressive cadence and the flesh-eating butterflies of flowery verse.”
nails29 reviewed Version 1 -
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there’s a vague sense of dissatisfaction. if it wasn’t for the title i wouldn’t know what this is about. ”leather-teddy” and “butterflies” are cool. that would make a good contrast, but their placed so far apart in the writing.
halebop reviewed Version 1 -
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Re;general impressions.
Masked malaise.It moves like a maple leaf veign-side up,under its own way to the deep end of a breathless pond.Leaves no wake.Refreshingly indulgent.In the no’.Maybe the gal will come back around your way.Press on!H.
youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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this is clever, not very sympathetic i suppose, but i like it a lot. nice opening stanzas, it is evocative, it shows you can ‘do it’ as you start in on the criticisms.some thoughts:
with just a hint of aggression - is with aggression’s hint better rhythmically
But truth will out.
“If you hate men, try a girlfriend on for size.” – this might read as homophobic.
no unattainable love to immortalize – this is a nice idea not sure it quite scans
no bloody conflict to glamorize, – does war scan better than conflict?
is ‘no axe of politics’ more rhythmic?
jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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In the first stanza only “flesh-eating butterflies” stand out, the rest makes little impression as it’s very generic.
Later i think that the repeating of -ession and even more later -hood is too much. Maybe choose just one of those.
“Treacherous going in three-inch heels” – did you mean it like “a treason is walking in three-inch heels”? I saw it that way and it was an interesting picture.
Last stanza: first 4 lines – very powerful, great writing there, you managed to say to the reader ‘I’ve got nothing’.
Last 3 lines – perfect ending, kudos for the linebreaks.
I like the style very much, maybe you should cut on the “big” words as they tend to slow the flow.
I see a lot of work here, but should be worth it at the end.
jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Clever beyond clever… drawing one in, grabing them with lil’ nips of tension, emotional discord, frustration. All very apparent. Enticing and bitter flavours at the same time. All ending with getting slammed right to the floor. A splendid piece. would change nothing…
craftykathy reviewed Version 1 -
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Finally, a poem that speaks directly to me! I’m almost sure my inability to compose such verse is somehow related to my inability to listen to country music.
Your movement through topics to write poems about is spot on, as is the title. Great piece.
bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 1 -
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this poet did not bite the dust!
a brilliant testament that a brilliant mind can create poetic prose based on a “lack of inspiration”. cast off ideas become the poem .
clever, with just enough humor to completly satisfy the reader.
IdeeFixe09 reviewed Version 1 -
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Isn’t that just writer’s block at its best? You’ve got it, you know you do, and then slowly but surely there go the ideas one by one. Such a sad thing and that’s what I see here. Writer’s block.
It’s interesting.
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