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Poetry / An Aspiring Poet Bites the Dust (Analysis)
A somber, yet airy work is in order,
or so the mood dictates,
something bony, perhaps, skeletal,
inviting doom from more ferocious
critics of the self-indulgent art
of expressive cadence and the flesh-eating
butterflies of flowery verse.
Something manly, yet sensitive, effectively
camouflaged in avant-garde form, concealing
deeper puddles of testosterone, repression,
oppression, regression, suppression, obsession,
secession and confession. Treacherous going
in three-inch heels.
Or leather-teddy feminism, fierce, yet nurturing,
assertive, with just a hint of aggression and the
slightest suggestion of petulance. But truth will out.
“If you hate men, try a girlfriend on for size.”
But then . . .
I have no deity to praise,
no kitty to adore,
no unattainable love to immortalize,
no bloody conflict to glamorize,
no political axe to grind,
no sunrise moving me,
no sunset either,
no odes to friendship, motherhood, brotherhood,
fatherhood, sisterhood, neighborhood, Ford hood, Fort Hood
or Little Red Riding Hood,
no kinship with nature or God’s furry beasties,
no Zen enlightenment,
no reason at all for stroking the keyboard
no reason
at all.
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inxthexpinesx reviewed Version 1 -
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First Verse: I think that a period would work better at the end of the second line in this stanza. “skeletal would work better if it has its own line, it would help the reader follow your train of thought as if it were occuring as they were reading it. The imagery you use is very thoughtful and give and air of preciseness about it, this is a very good quality.
Second Verse: I think that instead of using “manly” in the first line, you should use “masculine”. At the end of two of these lines you have an adjective that you use to describe something on the next line, this is a clever form, but each word would be more savory if you gave them each their own line. Why isnt “treacherous going in three inch heels” on its own line? I relize this must be a unique style of yours that i wont comment on anymore, sorry.
Deeper puddles of testosterone is a very good omage by the way
Usually i review verse by verse to help with grammatical errors and flawed word choice, and to all around more specific, but i have decided that that is not necessary with this piece. This poem is refined, well versed, unique, and has great imagery. Im sorry i have no more constructive critisim for you, i feel as if you should be giving tips to me instead of vice versa.
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rickmillen reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed this. I liked the line, “fkesh eating butterflies of flowery verse” and “treacherous going in three inch heels”. I felt sad the writer felt no connection to creation, nor to the Creator. All in all, this piece shows great creativity and expression.
penny2204 reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved the line “A somber, yet airy work…”. Overall, I liked this poem. It really was somber, yet airy. ”The truth will out”—isn’t that Shakespeare? Might have to rethink that one. I really liked the ending, “no reason at all…” Thank you
db_metallo reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this… writing a poem about having nothing to put in poetic form… brilliant.
I especially enjoyed these lines”
inviting doom from more ferocious
critics of the self-indulgent art
of expressive cadence and the flesh-eating
butterflies of flowery verse.
Well done.
MrBrooks reviewed Version 1 -
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that was good i liked it. i dont have much to critcize on it and i especially like the last stanza. good job
Valencia_Rodallec reviewed Version 1 -
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This is not half-bad considering what it is, a spoken word piece. As often is the case with spoken word, it uses words carelessly. I think that this might be your intention, since you have given it such a title, but I’m not sure, because you suddenly start talking about girls? Makes no sense, and yet this might also be your purpose. So if your purpose is to grab at words, and to confuse, then it is a success, if that is not your intention, then you have failed. Your problem doesn’t seem to be that you have no sense of poetry, it seems that you do, so honestly I think you should accompany the piece with a more explanatory note of what you want a reviewer to look at.
The first paragraph seems like an apology on your part, which you shouldn’t need.
The rest of the poem after that is really the poem.
You go on to long about the hoods, which ends up killing the effect of what should be the funny twist to little red riding hood.
I like what I think is your reference to Robert Burns in the “beasties” line.
I think you have something going on here, something modern, but it needs a bit of a brush up.
I hope that helps.
NikkiOneEve reviewed Version 1 -
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Well written and the usage of your words were very detailed personally it felt so melodramatic. I felt like I was reading a eulogy to writing and I was sad after reading it.
AVRP reviewed Version 1 -
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Hum! Very well done! I am not sure what to say. While it has no pattern its still a very good poem and I was quite entertained. Well written, you definitely have talent. Keep it up!
jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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In the first stanza only “flesh-eating butterflies” stand out, the rest makes little impression as it’s very generic.
Later i think that the repeating of -ession and even more later -hood is too much. Maybe choose just one of those.
“Treacherous going in three-inch heels” – did you mean it like “a treason is walking in three-inch heels”? I saw it that way and it was an interesting picture.
Last stanza: first 4 lines – very powerful, great writing there, you managed to say to the reader ‘I’ve got nothing’.
Last 3 lines – perfect ending, kudos for the linebreaks.
I like the style very much, maybe you should cut on the “big” words as they tend to slow the flow.
I see a lot of work here, but should be worth it at the end.
jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Clever beyond clever… drawing one in, grabing them with lil’ nips of tension, emotional discord, frustration. All very apparent. Enticing and bitter flavours at the same time. All ending with getting slammed right to the floor. A splendid piece. would change nothing…
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