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Short Story / Sailing (Analysis)
Sailing:
An Abridged Excerpt from Six Months
By: Ashley Riffle
Nick and Persephaniah were like two peas in a pod, becoming inseperable since they first had met. He gave her the freedom to drop her curtains of solitude and made her feel part of something. She gave him the power to break out of his shy exterior and come into a pool of courage. Nick would have never asked anyone to do anything with him, but this was Persey. He mustered up all of the determination inside his small soccer-built body to ask her to THS’s homecoming dance. He knew she could turn him down, but he didn’t care. His only worry was that her parents would keep her away from him. She was their Cinderella, but she could only be locked in the attic for so long.
Persey called Nick, letting him know she was allowed to go. After the laughter filled conversation, the phone rang simultaneously. It was Nicholas’s doctor calling to deliver the results of his blood tests. By the tone in his voice, Nick knew something was very wrong. He had leukemia. After the initial shock, he needed to return to reality. He had to stay calm, for her sake. Nick decided that he wouldn’t let anything, not even this, ruin the night he had looked forward to for over a week. He was falling in love with Persey and he didn’t want to lose her, not yet.
Nick picked Persephanie up as planned. For two hours, the danced under the disco ball, happily. She looked radiant to him, in her beautiful purple satin ball gown. He could tell she had been looking forward to the date just as much as he had. She was glowing, like an angel he had never thought he would see. If there were one proof God existed, she was it. Her laughter rang through his ears, loving and spontaneous. It calmed his nerves just hearing her hum to the music, no matter how horrible it was. When she placed her head on his shoulder and he felt her cheek lift in a smile, he knew that there was no way he would be able to escape this frog and the princess fairy tale without letting her know what was so wrong. He wanted her to be a part of his future, but some secrets cannot be kept. He didn’t want her to feel trapped once she found out. He couldn’t lie to her.
“Persey, there is something I really need to tell you,” he whispered into her ear, just anticipating the worst.
She looked up at him and smiled. “After this amazing night, you can tell me anything you want to.”
He peered deep inside himself and found the strength to say, “Over the past week or so, I have come to like you… a lot… and before you say anything else, you should know I got a call yesterday from my doctor. I, um… I have leukemia.” The words stabbed his tongue as they fell from his lips. In that moment, he acknowledged his mortality. The sheer pain of it all threatened to drown him in it’s tranquility. It was such a calm word that meant something so horrifying.
“What?!” Persey’s mind was racing. How could she have fallen in love with a boy who had so much to deal with? How could he have room left to love her when he was fighting for his life?! Did he want to let her go; and most of all, did she have the strength to help him work through all of it? Could she let him go when it came time? Stop being so selfish! she thought to herself.
“I understand if you don’t want to see me again, because…” he was interrupted by her hand on his mouth. It startled him. He felt an aching pain in his throat where he just waited, expecting her to reject him immediately. He prepared himself for the worst.
She looked at him, astonishingly, and said, “ Nicholas Adam Osley! Did you seriously believe you were going to get rid of me that easily? If I have to hold your hand every step of the way, I will do it. For you, I would do anything. Let’s dance. I have all of this eye makeup on and I have the feeling if we keep on talking, I will get annoyingly emotional. Plus, I didn’t get all dressed up for nothing.”
He smiled, now knowing that everything was going to be okay. Purpose, hope, fate, and dignity are all a part of everyone. If held in the correct light, they shine like a prism, creating just the perfect rainbow that dances across your face. She was his prism. He knew they were young, and he was aware of the sacrifices she would be making, but he needed her. “You got it,” he winked. This girl was his. They danced and laughed. Nick pulled her closer, hoping to freeze time forever. He moved and watched her and could find himself lost in thought. He said to himself, You only get one shot at this kind of love. Better make it last forever.
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guild reviewed Version 2 -
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I think that the story works, as far as a shorter version of it. I never got lost reading along with the characters and I found this to be a very heartfelt story.
Throughly enjoyed this story even though it was sad, you leaned hope at the end which was uplifting.
Best wishes to you and to your future writings.
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LAluver4ever reviewed Version 2 -
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Aww…this made me smile (happy endings are always a plus). I would love to read the whole thing when you finish. Good luck! =]
tisha reviewed Version 2 -
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Beer_and_Poetry reviewed Version 2 -
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tkarma reviewed Version 2 -
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AstridM reviewed Version 2 -
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sreed98 reviewed Version 2 -
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This certainly warmed my heart and if a publisher/agent do not snatch this up they got rocks in their head. The concept of the ‘prism’ was right on. You wrote maturely on a touchy subject of young love and a young life jeopardized by a monster called cancer.
Jimmykoksferhans reviewed Version 2 -
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Hello—-I liked where this story was going, I’m just not sure it fits so easily into a short story form. There seems to be a lot of places you could go in terms of subtext. Also, there seemed to be places throught the text where you were particularly wordy, when you didn’t have to be, and at the same time, you rushed areas that could have used a lot more description. For example, when you wrote “Nick and Persephaniah were like two peas in a pod, becoming inseperable since they first had met”, I guessing you could have used half as many words as you did, and still got the idea across. I really do like where you’re heading with this though, keep it up, and good luck on that book.
Annah reviewed Version 1 -
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What can i say..Awww!! this is so sweet! i love it! you have serious talent and this should definately be published. No criticism cause this is perfect!
Rikivan reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent portrayal of emotions. I think you can lengthen the scene, it seemed a bit rushed. In addition, create an atmosphere, a mood, by working on the setting. Use senses: What type of music are they dancing to? Use sound, sight, feel, draw the reader in. A setting can be created with just one line.
I like your writing, smooth and natural.
Keep writing.
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