Poetry / Disillusioned (Analysis)

Are you trying to refer dream to a bigger scheme made by “big-players” in life or just ambiance in each others life. I do relate to this poem though I heard a message in it. I too believe we all should learn to think for ourselves and develop our own beliefs or ideas. No matter how conventional or radical they may be. We can not hope to achieve happiness until we understand who we are and what life is for us, as an individual.

Society will continue to “flow along” if people don’t snap out of the daze that people seem to be in. They have to tread their own path and decide if what they are told is what is true.

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May 14, 2008

by anaisnais

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
48	58.8% (17 votes)	30.2%

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39	F	United Kingdom	November 02

Thank you, you acknowledge just some of the thoughts running through my head as I wrote this; my intention to leave the whole piece open to much musing.  Pleased you understood the piece.

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I like it!
I normally don’t like rhyming poetry, but you were able to rhyme and not sound cheesy or forced.
I like the idea of the whole thing…..very creative.
I agree on the last line….too many words and it just doesn’t really flow.
Besides that, very good!

Poetry does not have to rhyme. A lot of my poems, as well as other poets I have read over the years, do not always use rhyming couplets to express the power of the words. This poem, although rather stilted in some areas, was very descriptive and IMO quite good.

I love it when a poem just works. You should definitely try to get published.

forenote: Haha I’m sure I know who’s written this based on the number of rating criteria =P

This is a very skillfuly constructed piece! Although the AAAA, BBBB rhyme scheme is one of the simplest, you’ve increased the difficulty in several ways. You’ve chosen, in most cases, to rhyme complex words that come only with a wide vocabulary and, in the second stanza your rhyme pattern is more like:

A…..B
A…..B
A…..B
A…..B

which, to do convincingly and still conveying the meaning of the poem, is difficult, to say the least.

HOWEVER, you use more half rhymes in your poem than I care for (I’m a rhyme nazi and half-rhymes have long been a pet-hate). For example, “seems” seems (excuse the pun) out of place as all the other words in that stanza end with the same sound but without the ’s’ on the end. Also, “tongue” his a half-rhyme to the other words in the last stanza (it’s a full rhyme with words like “rung”) and, beyond that, sounds weird in the poem as, the way you have it, it NEEDS to be pluralised (which would make it even less a full rhyme). I recomend fixing this by changing the line to something like (off the top of my head) “Even though all speak a different tongue”.

Finally, you may want to use a cleaverly placed full-stop or two (as your piece contains none and this can result in confusion)

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May 14, 2008

by anaisnais

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
48	58.8% (17 votes)	30.2%

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39	F	United Kingdom	November 02

Appreciated.  I am no grammatical or language expert, so appreciate my writes being raw.  Have not been writin long, am trying different forms to try to find suitable style (if any); and looking for someone to guide me in the necessary areas given.  Half the time I don’t even know what form it is I have written, so all advice taken gladly.  I don’t mind working on my writes further if it brings out some quality in them. lol.  Your remarks I find very enlightening.  Respected. Kindest wishes.

May 14, 2008

by Static

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
194	86.5% (96 votes)	58.6%

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21	M	Australia	November 20

You’re more than welcome! good luck

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Over all.. since I am not sure what it is your use to writting I think it is a pretty good piece.. though I am trouble by your lack of punctuation, its a bit frustrating to read on and on without knowing where I can breath, Your rhyming fits along well and doesn’t seem stressed.. thus making it beautiful.. I love everything about it besides its lack of punctuation.