When you go back and read them in order, it falls into place nicely. Jake is the one married to Trudy. Glen is divorced. He’s refering to the folder of evidence. Glen wanted to get into it while Jake was trying to keep his mind off of it. Glen was telling Jake what he did and he turned around and asked him what he did. It is two sentences already.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / The Twelve Bloody Days of Christmas- Chapter 6
Jamison put down his burger and was about to open the report when Jake stopped him.
“Glen, I know you’re just as anxious to get to that file as I am. But damn it, you gotta eat. Just put it down. It’s waited this long, another few minutes ain’t going to matter.”
Glen looked at the folder and then at Jake.
“I guess your right about that. I’ve just never had a case that’s gotten under my skin like this one. Hardly any evidence. There’s no suspects, no apparent motive and no witnesses. It’s like this guy’s a ghost or something.”
“I hear you. But no eating and getting all worked up over it, ain’t gonna help. If anything, it will cause you to get so frustrated that when we do have something to go on, you won’t know what your doing. Just take a few minutes, relax, catch your second wind and we’ll start fresh in a few minutes.”
“OK, I get it. Eat then work,” said Glen.
“Now you’re talking.”
They sat and ate in silence. Jake noticed several times that Glen was eyeing the folder, so he decided to make small talk to get Glen’s mind off of it.
“So Glen, what did you do last night?”
“Just watched a little TV and went to bed. You? Did you hear from Trudy?”
“Nah. I don’t suppose her mom’s about to leave her alone long enough for that. She’s been trying to drive a wedge between us for years now. I’m sorry I didn’t get to talk to the kids though. Ya know, being Christmas and all. I nuked me something in the microwave and went to bed early. Really wasn’t anything better to do.”
“You should have called me. We could of grabbed a few beers or something. You want to tell me what’s going on between you and Trudy, or is it any of my business?”
“Now Glen, you know I don’t mind telling you about it. Right now though, I just don’t want to think about it. You know.”
“Yeah I do. No problem.”
Before they realized it they had finished with their meal. After disposing of the trash, Glen took a deep breath and opened the Goldstein file. He was looked over, it not saying a word.
“Hey partner. Mind sharing that with me or you planning on doing this all by yourself?”
“Sorry. I guess I wanted to do a quick once over before we got into it.”
Glen read the findings…
“Says here the female was one Sandy Lorraine O’Donald Goldstein. Caucasian, twenty two years of age. Time of death, four-thirty am. There was bruising on both of her upper arms, consistent with being grasped tightly. Bruising and rope burns on her wrists. A small puncture wound was found at the base of her skull that went all the way through to her jugular. No tearing or shredding of the internal tissue was apparent. Coroner feels due to the size, a long Phillips screwdriver may have been used. He also says that the size and appearance of the path of the wound from the base to the jugular shows there was a tube of some kind inserted. There were remnants of tape also on the neck. The tape was hospital issue, but could be bought in any medical supply store. The tape was possibly used to secure the tubing. Get This. There was only a very small amount of blood in her entire system. The majority of the blood that was found, was in her head. Coroner seems to feel like she was hung upside down and allowed to bleed out. He also found bruising around her ankles consistent with being tied and hung up that way. The L ring finger had been removed without signs of trauma noted. Her hair was freshly washed afterwards and she was put on ice until her husband got his. She was dead before she was bled dry. Seems like the murder wanted the husband to see what was done to his new wife before he got his”
“Damn that’s really warped,” said Jake. “What else does it say?”
Nothing else about the wife. As far as her husband…
“The male was one Henry Benjamin Goldstein. Caucasian, twenty-five years of age. Time of death, Six am. The same wound at the base of the neck, but the coroner seems to think that this wound was more haphazard, like the murderer was intentionally more aggressive. There was tearing and damage to the internal tissue as if the screwdriver was moved back and forth during insertion. The same bruising of the upper arms, wrist and ankles though more wide spread. This victim also was hung upside down to bleed out. The coroner goes on to say that it took longer for the man to lose his body of blood because of the changes in the internal organs starting from the bottom up. He seemed to think that the tube that was inserted into him was clamped off and on to prolong the killing. The left ring finger was removed with trauma present as evidenced by ripping and tearing of the surrounding tissue and muscle. Guess what?”
“I can’t possibly imagine.”, Jake answered.
“The man had a upside down pentagram tattoo on back of his right wrist.”
“You don’t think that was what was on the back of Partridge’s right wrist do you, before he had it removed I mean.”
“After what I just read, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”
“Ya know Glen, the way the apartment was found, There has to be a secondary crime scene somewhere. There’s no way that scumbag could have killed those kids at that apartment without leaving something behind.”
“That’s just it Jake,” said Glen. A city of this size, it could be anywhere.”
They were interrupted by a courier from the forensic lab.
“Man when it rains, it pours,” said Glen.
It was Jake’s turn to get the folder now. He got up quickly and grabbed it out of the man’s hand.
“Thanks for putting a rush on this for us.”
“No problem.”,said the man but his look at Jake said differently. He let the door close harder than he should, in his own silent protest of how he was just treated.
“Whats the report say?”, it was now Glen’s turn to ask.
“This is on the Partridge case. Says the only prints on the gun were those of the deceased. Same for the extra clip. As far as those letters we found, believe it or not, no prints. Only thing I can guess is that both the killer and Mr. Partridge wore gloves when they handled it. There’s no water marks. The stationery was a common variety and could be bought in any stationery store in the city. Same for the rubber band. Guess what though. The computer generated reanimation of the tattoo on his right inner wrist was that of a upside down pentagram.”
“I’ll be damned Glen. There’s our connection. What about the letters?”
“Only four words. ‘YOUR TIME HAS COME’!”
“Where there any letters found in the Goldstein apartment?”, asked Glen.
“No, but I’m not surprised.”, stated Jake. “The apartment just had some take out and the minimum of personal belongings in addition to the furniture. The mother of the male victim said her son had packed up his room to move, but didn’t plan on taking his stuff to the apartment until after the furniture was in. He just had enough stuff to make due. Can you imagine a grown man still living with mama at his age?”
Glen was silent for a moment pondering the question. No he couldn’t. He only wished he would have been so lucky enough to have been in his shoes.
“Well,” started Glen. “That gives us a place to start tomorrow and get the leg work out of the way. We can interview the Partridge family then the Goldsteins and the O’Donalds. We can go through the boys personal belongings if the family will let us and see what we can find.”
“And if they won’t let us?”
“Jake, I’m surprised at you. Then, we’ll get a court order of course.”
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 8 -
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This was the most exciting chapter yet! The case is really getting interesting. I am looking forward to see where this goes. I don’t have any critiques. It was a fast, easy, exciting read.
“He was looked over,” “He just looked over it” or “He looked over it”
You do a great job with the coroner’s reports – gave me the creeps! And that’s not easy to do.
You may want to consider combining chapters 5 and 6. You seem to favor short chapters, which is fine (works for James Patterson) but you can vary the length more.
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msstroda reviewed Version 8 -
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I would love to see this story in it’s entirety! It is very good. But I thought, when I began with chapter three, that the story was going to revolve around the 12 days of Christmas. The pear tree in the partridge was very good. I believe the story would be better if it stuck with that theme throughout. Just my opinion though. I really like it.
I thought Glen was the one with the wife, not Jake. In the following sentences, it makes it seem as though Jake is married to Trudy.
They sat and ate in silence. Jake noticed several times that Glen was eyeing the folder, so he decided to make small talk to get Glen’s mind off of it.
“So Glen, what did you do last night?”
Shouldn’t the following be two different sentences?
“Just watched a little TV and went to bed. You? Did you hear from Trudy?”
rosalind reviewed Version 8 -
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Good work. I guess I’m coming in too late though, because I’m a little confused. It seemed like the killing was about a couple and then it started talking about the children. Maybe I missed previous chapters and this is adding onto what already happened? It would have helped to have some more description too. Like what did the room they were in look like. How did they look? Were they tired, weary, starting the day, or ending it? I wasn’t getting a feel for the atmosphere. The writing is good though. Just think it needs a little punching up.
paigemc reviewed Version 7 -
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Seems like this has been revised following some previous suggestions.
The dialogue is good. Crisp. Shows a comraderie between the men. Good use of medical/police terminology.
Jake noticed several times that Glen was eyeing the folder, so he decided to make small talk to get his mind off of it. In the clause following ‘folder, so’ the he/his don’t match and could be confusing. I know you mean Jake/Glen, but it could also be read as Jake/Jake
“Jake, I’m surprised at you. Then, We’ll get a court order.” I would love to see some of their sense of humor here—like ‘Jake, Jake, Jake.” Glen shook his head. ‘We get a court order.’
Overall, you are going a good job of tightening and editing.
ninjaj5 reviewed Version 7 -
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I cannot honestly find anything to critique… I love the chemistry between the detectives (kind of remind me of Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman in Se7en). You have set up some interesting clues and avoided crime cliche’s.
I am certainly going to look for more… and purchase once you get it published! :)
ANdotcom reviewed Version 5 -
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I haven’t read the first five chapters, but plan to go back and do so. The conversation about eating at the beginning was a little stilted. Try to smooth that out, it could be more natural and flow better. The rest of the dialogue was crisp and informative. Thanks for posting this! I enjoyed it.
AVRP reviewed Version 5 -
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Chilling. Terrifying. I love it!
CAnt’ find anything wrong with it at all!
MattGillespie reviewed Version 5 -
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I feel you need more action to help move the plot along.
Artwork_Anonymous reviewed Version 5 -
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I’m truly sorry. I’ve stumbled into yet another series of events that were previously unknown to me. I didn’t even notice it was into chapter 6, generally I don’t review single chapters. Suprisingly, soon I was no longer lost in the plot, but due to a very detailed delivery of events, surroundings, constant use of character names giving the reader a more identifiable and voluptuous plot-line. (Read: Reads like a Michael Connelly book) I definitely see some value in the publication of this book because, if mid-stream readers are going backwards to gather details they’ve either missed or neglected to comprehend they become a “Hostage Audience” (Read: ‘I MUST read the REST, or ELSE!’) The author demonstrates familiarity with The Human Anatomy and, by injecting a grim sense of situational reality like-to that of everyday life, but just tweaked enough to help make a reader care for a fictional character. Studies have shown that individuals gaining useful, factual knowledge, as well as entertainment, will generally see higher marks than works packed with complete BS. (Read: Reality TV and most Hospital Drama flicks. The only thing I would’ve “Improved?” is refine and clarify dramatic happenings in the plot to keep people from excitedly reading too fast to fully collect and comprehend the depth of the events yet to unfold. In all, I like the writing, the detail’s are compact, vibrant, and decidedly in the same style as many other high volume published writers. But, plot and originality are the fingerprints of all writings throughout the world, leaving minor differences to be over looked! Most similarities and flaws are minor and often pass unheeded by everyday people, but the average “WordMucker” instantly notes the sentence structure, plot complexity, and composition quality immediately. Comparing the smooth-flowing well-rehearsed and refined writings of “Novel-style,” as opposed to twitchy, inept, and senselessly smashed phrases of popular sound bites turned gibberish by what will become “Story-style” Writers.
Respectfully Distracted…
JOE @
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jungsnkim reviewed Version 5 -
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The type of murder was clever and unusual and these things matter in crime, thrillers and mysteries. I think it can turn into a pretty good story. I found the dialogue in the diner mundane and boring and if that’s the atmosphere you want than sure it works. However, I didn’t think it was. I would have left some of it out or maybe I don’t know enough on the one character that seems a bit niave for his own good. Are you saying that one’s a cop too? I’m talking about the one who’s not reading the report. Anyways, I’d like to read more. I am a crime buff and like to see others in the creative process. Thanks for sharing.
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