Poetry / Opposite the way of the sun. (Analysis)

Hmm, there is a lot here.  I want to start with some primative complaints, not know yet what to think of the whole.  The word “tormented” is very strong sitting there on its own just before the hugely over-arching “men without fear” announcement.  Both seem too simple to hold their own with the lines before, devoted as they are to femininity, femaleness, and the corporal cycles of the world birthed through women.  I might also place in this juxtaposition, “young enough/ not to fear the sun”, maybe.  Later, I ask you to think about the line, “you birthed me, trickster child, as duty.”  There is such music in “you birthed me as duty” that I wonder if the “trickster child” part adds more than the emotional possibilites of the softer, musical lilt without it.  You are a better judge here, of course.  As for the the facinating lines that follow, evoking the mother figure of the poem, I ask you to read Adrienne Rich’s poem “Valediction Forbidding Morning” again for two reasons.  First, and perhaps most importantly, because your lines swirl up the same driven intensity and quality of images.  Second, to give you ideas about handling your punctuation differently.  The current dashes work poorly with the line breaks and entangle the powerful statements in barnicles and vines.  Also, please get rid of your last line.  If you think the repetition is needed for intensity, please just intensify the diction in this moment of the poem.  My feeling regarding this is that the prior line looses some of its definitive power due to the introductory link, “of which.”  It’s a little limp compared to the whole.  

i first want to tip my hat to your intriguing title because it made me curious enough to click on it and read the rest of the poem.  secondly, i want to say that this is a well-done poem.  i would go through and rethink the punctuation because it can be a little cumbersome at times.  sometimes you don’t need so much punctuation because the flow and form of the poem can self-punctuate.  anyway, i think you have a lot of solid, consistent imagery here that really engages the reader and paints a very clear picture with words.  i also like the distinction at the end of “a part/apart”, i think you played with words and meaning quite effectively there.  the only thing i can really say about this poem (aside from the punctuation) is that i think the opening line can be a little stronger.  it’s not as consistent to the theme of the poem or as deliberate as the rest of the imagery and seems out of place.  you can probably even delete it without subtracting form the poem itself, but if you feel rather attached to that particular line, you should at least consider working on it to make it a little stronger.  i like this poem a lot and would love to see it improve.

I like this writing but it jumped around in a confusing way for me. I guess that’s just because I wasn’t reading it from your mind though. I did really enjoy the last line. Nobody likes to be apart. Good thing we’re not.

Hoping to break the spell and wishing not to be apart of it is a difficult task,
a task with which a endless succession (“a long line of daughters”) is burdened.
“Changelings” and “Tricksterchilds” are born only to be changed into mortal women
“tormented by man without fear”. “Duty” was the real impulse, which gave life to
the girlchild, which perceives the mother as a “stone-eyed queen”, talking with
a “cement tongue” of “brave women”.
The poem questions the social conditioning of women in a certain culture, at the
same time searching for a way to break free from the tight folds of society. The
insight into the process of conditioning, which is revealed within the text, gives
hope for the dawn of freedom. The last sentence is taking this hope slightly back:
despite of the gained insight, the writer feels, that she is a part of the chain
of life.
It is a very mature poem, I don’t see a single sentence or even word, which would
ask for an alteration.

Intriguing, I feel as if there is a tale and moral unfolding in your words and have a sense of more to come. Very sinister and dark beneath, it left me hanging wanting to read more – a great skill.  I look forward to reading more of your writes. Kindest intentions.

Beautiful. This poem reminds me of the Farseer and the Tawny Man trilogies by Robin Hobb – the focus on how time changes all, yet comes around in a circle so many of us are scared to leave. It reminds me in particular of the character Kettricken.
This review might probably be useless to you, especially if you haven’t read the books. Maybe you could look up a synopsis of the books but it wouldn’t be the same. Sorry.
Regardless, that was the feeling your poem inspired in me.

Interesting, evocative imagery, just strange enough to arouse curiosity without being so escoteric to frustrate.  I got all kinds of dark thought as a prelude to light.  I was a little thrown by the “cement tongue” line but everything else is so enticing I’m inclined to let it pass as something missing in me, not the poet.  

“you birthed me, trickster child, as duty” – Very nice line.  Last two lines are good word play without the usual neon sign crying “Look at me!”  You left no criteria rating but I will tell you it is one of the more interesting poems out of the 70 odd I have read on Urbis.  Thanks.

  Nice piece in many ways;it’s intricate without the taxing of poor word choice.Perhaps “men without fear” could be furthered.I like “stone eyed queen…tongue”.The business about the abandonement is intrigueing.Would love more there.The dual polarity of wishes in last two lines rakes the opening line a bit for me.I think it certainly deserves a little more time,as it’s a sweet subject.H.

I think this is wonderful and much like the way I now feel.  I used to be very sad about never having had any children, but now I see how in so many ways it freed me to be who I am, unencumbered.  I hope all of your dreams come true.

I would like more explanation of “you abandoned entire countries at whim”  It’s a nice phrase, but I’m not sure what it means.

Did you intend the last two lines to be in contradiction to each other (which is interesting)...
“I do not wish to be a part
I do not wish to be apart”
I understand it to mean that you do not wish to join the long line of resigned mothers, yet you do not wish to be apart from womanhood.

Really good.  It makes me glad to see something like this, so honest, so like my own feelings.