Poetry / Bump This (Analysis)

You get a little adjective heavy here- this could be stronger by eliminating some of them and getting shorter, punchier lines in the process. You should also consider switching around some of the words for a better effect. For example:

minutes lag
Leak droplets of time
Pushing words with a scraggly broom
forming dusty thoughts

Remember there is a difference between poetry and prose- these aren’t sentences. You can shorten them into fragments- sometimes this is the best choice.

I truly enjoyed this poem. A unique voice and images. An invidualized, perceptive take on the universe’s detritus.
Honestly, it feels like there should be more to this poem. This feels like a set-up, act I if you will. I would be very curious to see this narrtor rage against the firmament or resign themselves to weary oblivion. Some panged shift in intensity or attitude.

A nice sampling it is.  You have a very good command of language and your poem reflects that.  It is accessible and evocative and that’s the strength of the work.  You do, however, have a few rough spots here.  For instance, at the beginning, the metaphors are a bit rough.  The “old minutes” lagging behind, “leaking” (blood? urine? sweat? not important I guess) then pushing brooms and cleaning up, it just seemed a little abrupt to me.  The narrative tone of the poem is largely satisfying but you do break away from what I see as an elegant use of common language into a departure by using coarser terms such as “piss”, “spit”, and “lazy wannabes”.  I don’t object to that language, it just seems out of place here.  A couple of lines seem forced and could stand having a few words edited to bring them back into the overall rythm.  For instance, lines 4,5,8, and 18 could all, and could all afford to, lose a few words without suffering for it. Also, lines 11 and 12 form an end-rhymed  couplet that is a bump in the otherwise smooth road of sounds you’ve created here.  I hope this is helpful to you.  I’d be proud of this one.

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June 24, 2008

by Misticism

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
35	56.8% (44 votes)	9.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	F	Raleigh, NC	October 01

Thanks for the good suggestions.

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did you think to put the “left in the corner of the room” thats what popped into my head as I read it first.Flay lazy wannabes who thieve the lines left lying about
Rolled back eyes at newborn rhymers with a stiffled yawn inside my mouth -man I am a wanna be!I am kind of new to this writing well,I have been writing all my life but not really actually delving deeper into the ways & means.I hope you understand-I am sometimes hard to understand with my stml-honest its real not just as we get older-sure that happens but I had a traumatic brain injury and I find this computer to be sucha  ”teaching tool” for me it’s unbelievable.”Words don’t expire, they just get lost in the thread
Bump it back to the beginning, please. ” so true!Great job! TYCertain people DO enlighten me!

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June 22, 2008

by Misticism

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35	56.8% (44 votes)	9.1%

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40	F	Raleigh, NC	October 01

Thanks. I’m pretty new to writing seriously myself. I mean, I’ve always dabbled, but in the last year I’ve found writing to be such a release.  I tripped over this in the Myspace poetry groups and quickly discovered how unsatisfying an experience it was.  Urbis is a great tool for people such as ourselves looking for a mirror to practice our dancing in. Dance like nobody is watching. ;)

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I guess I do not quite get it. The Bump this part that is. However I do recognise a good bit of complaining lol I would like to say the piece over all is quite good. Well written. I do find the us of real life real time real world almost monotonous however and would reccommend a change there.