Flash Fiction / Aberdeen (Analysis)

The phrase that this piece center around, one and one are one, in a beautiful play on words and draws in the reader nicely at the start of the story.  While the writer did accomplish his/her goal in conveying emotion, some of the wording detracted from the intended experience.

A light rain patters off my forehead but I am numb to it, wrecked inside by the impending void that crashes in with each salty wave.-—-- A light rain’s pattering is something that anyone could be numb to.  Add more contrast by making the rain harsher.  Also, an impending void cannot crash as it is nothing.  Perhaps play with the wave imagery; use erosion of the beach.

I hear my mother call from afar; her voice is raspy and broken.-—-—A raspy broken voice is a quiet one and cannot be heard from afar.  Maybe the writer meant that the narrator was “afar in thought.”  That should be clarified.

With a few revisions, the writer will have a piece wrought with emotion and supporting imagery.

Wow. You definitely managed to convey emotion. As the eldest daughter of three kids I feel very close to my dad and I cannot imagine life without him, even though I know it will happen one day. For something that has never happened to you I think that you did a magnificent job bringing this emotion out. For some reason I like the part where you describe the protagonist finding her father dead. Those few lines alone would be enough to break a readers heart if it were in a larger story where the father was a more fleshed out character.

Along with being able to show emotion I noticed that you are very talented at creating a character with a few sentences. The mother’s character is very ambiguous but there is purpose in that. Your depiction of the father in his swimming trunks was, although comical, incredibly sad and there was a longing in the character.

This is a beautiful piece and I hope you continue to write things this good and even better. Beautiful.

I loved this. It’s great writing, you’re clearly gifted, and the subject is really sad. It made me think of my dad, made me sad that I hadn’t talked to him in months, and now I’m gonna go and call him.

Yes, it’s emotional. It is also well written. There is nothing here to distract from the emotion you convey. I think most readers will connect to this.

There is always room for polishing. Jincy Willett has written some great short stories about fathers and death in Jenny & the Jaws of Life. I’m sure reading these short stories would inspire your writing.

I don’t know what flash fiction is, but I think it deserves a 10 for it.

Now on to the critique, I truly love it.  It was sad and sweet at the same time.

I felt the pain of the young women, remembering the times with her dad when he was healthy.

I felt the sorrow that she wasn’t there when he drew his last breath and she wasn’t there.

That short story was beautiful, i felt the wetness of the rain and the smell of the salt from the ocean as she walked along the shore.

It was beautifully  written and I hope that it gets published.

Keep writing.

Continued Success.

Very sad.

You can not really know pain until you have lost someone that is intimately close to you. A father, a mother, a sibling or a grandparent.

I thought it was really good. There is not a day that goes by that I do not long to hear my grandma’s voice again. This October will be two years.

Thank you for sharing.

Though your work was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes.  Reading this evoked thoughts of my own lost ones and pain I felt when they passed away.  You’re very talented writer and your words moved me.  Keep up the good work!

tears of sorrow; and a few other lines seem pretty cliche, so that would be something to good to change up.

Other than that, I love the frankness you give in the story, but it might be a little better if somehow you led back to the saying of “one”  that was mentioned through it.  Maybe one way would be instead of mourning and hating the fact that her father is gone, suddenly he was inside of the narrator later in life.

Wow! very heart wrenching. I like how you describe everything it really gives me as the reader a sense of being there. I loved it. I would have liked to read a little description of the father to get a sense of what it was that this person was losing. But really. Wow! Great job

Did this “inflict” emotion?  Sure it did.  As far as whether or not I liked it, I have to say that while it was well written, I’ve read so many stories that show the emotional response to grief through memory that they’ve all begun to run together.