Hi, I suppose I ought to point out the fact that I’m British means we spell differently…
Other than that, fair comments. Thanks.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Anjali's song (Analysis)
When Anjali was born, her seven silent brothers had left home for their partners and wives. Her mother looked over at her and told her that she was different and Anjali believed. When she was four years old, she overhead the women in the market place singing, ‘ mama Jando has a man for a bride, mama Jando has a priest by her side, who is the fairest to be born, mama Jando knows, oh she knows’. The women in the market place did not know that Anjali had overheard them. No children were allowed at the Thursday market but Anjali had crept out of the house for the sweet water melon juice that the women kept by their side. She wanted to know why the women sang about mother, for as far as she knew no other woman in the village had a first son by the name of Jando. Anjali waited for the women to sing the same song at other times. On Monday market day, they sang nothing, on Tuesday, they sang songs about their sons and their wives. On Wednesday, every one went to the temple and there was no market day, not unless you were a SITHE and cast out by your family. And on Thursdays, she was forced to stay home. Soon Anjali realised that her mother had stopped going to the Thursday market and when she was five, the market women began to hum the tune on Tuesday. Anjali’s mother simply gripped her tightly as they bought their food and drinks for the day. Her mother could not stop going to the market on Tuesdays, for Monday market sold no food nor drinks and Friday was the rubber and wine market day.
Soon this tune was played in and out of Anjali’s mind. One day, while she did the housework, Anjali began to hum the tune and even though her mother shouted at her to stop, she could not help but start again as she swept the floor. It was always on her mind. When she was seven, she forgot to hum the tune and sang the words as she cleaned the kitchen. Anjali’s mother beat her and then told her father who beat her also. Then her seven brothers found out and each beat her silently. Anjali stopped singing and humming all tunes all together and one day, her mother found she was no longer different, she became silent like her brothers.
When Anjali reached the age of ten, she was allowed to go to her first Thursday market and as she waited patiently for her mother to pick all the fruit she needed, she silently declined all offers for the sweet water melon juice she had loved as a child. Every Thursday she followed her mother to the market, the women would offer her the juice and Anjali smiled and shook her head, her eyes following her mother from stall to stall, while no one sang the song. They sang instead of others and their other wives.
When she was sixteen, her father decided that it was time for her to become a bride, but no one in the town wanted a girl that hardly spoke anymore and though she never heard it, she knew that they whispered about her. Anjali’s brothers came once more and beat her to make her speak so that she would marry. Her sister in laws mentioned that no one would want a silent bride, that silent men were to be desired, but men wanted their wives to sing. But Anjali did not sing, and she did not speak to anyone and when To-Jando, her brother’s son thought he would scare her into speaking by placing the poisonous mucus in her basket. Anjali packed her belongings and left. She went to her grandmother’s house in the next village and asked her for one favour. Sedi, her grandmother was so overjoyed to see her that she promised her anything. Anjali sang the song for her and asked for its meaning. Sedi cried. Anjali waited all day and night while Sedi cried to her neighbours and her friends, asking them to beg her grand-daughter to release her. They came and begged and prepared a feast to tempt Anjali, there was goat feet dipped in red peppers, almond nuts in tree honey and sweet wild rice. And when Anjali would not eat, the neighbours and friends ate their fill of the food they had prepared and left Sedi crying. The following morning, she called her grand-daughter to her and said,’ if it is true that this is what you want to hear, then promise me in turn that you will make your father happy, sing and marry’. Anjali promised her and Sedi told her why the market women sang that song on Thursday. When she heard the story, she got up and began to walk away, asking only one question, ‘what did they mean by the fairest’. Her grandmother sighed and said ‘the priests at the temple wear white’. Anjali nodded her head that she understood and when Sedi asked her if she would sing and get married, Anjali nodded again, but the truth was that she was confused. Every one knew that the temple priests wore red, they only painted their faces white, so no one would know who was a priest and a temple and who was merely a brother and a husband. You had to be both to serve at the temple. So Anjali once more left silently with a question on her mind and this time she went to temple. It was only Saturday and few would be there when there was no celebration, but Anjali did not mind, she wanted only Old Man Time, the father of all lost sons and brothers at the temple. He was always there and was the only man in the village that sang. Anjali walked all day and night till she reached the temple for Sedi’s house was much further from it than her village. Reaching the temple, early at night, Anjali sat by the window of old man time and began singing.
‘Ever since I was a boy I wanted to see,
ever since I was a boy I wanted to see,
but my mami would not let me,
my papi would not let me,
but the sea is in me and it wants to come out,
oh who will come by and set me free,
who will sing for me,
beg the villagers,
beg my family,
that they will let me see’.
When old man time heard the song, he rushed out as fast as his knocked knees would let him, it was the saddest song he had ever heard and he wanted to chase the singer away. So he opened the temple doors which, was not allowed on a non-celebration day and he shooed Anjali away with his old slipper and broom. But she would not move and only dodged Old Man Time’s movements as he came towards her, then she said, ‘ask me who I am’. Old Man Time said, ‘I know who you are, you are the sand in my food, the meat in my teeth and the dirt on my slipper, let me catch you and show you who you are.’
‘Ask me who I am’, she said, ‘or I will sing you another song’. She didn’t wait for a reply and began another song.
‘Time was bought for a friend,
time oh, time oh,
time was bought for a friend,
time oh, time oh,
but when he opened his basked
what did he find oh, find oh,
but the snake that stole his friend’s heart,
time oh, time oh’.
‘Stop it, stop it I say, you little girl’ Old Man Time said, he was angry now.
‘Ask me who I am’, said Anjali again and this time, Old Man Time looked at the quarter moon in the sky, heard the rustling of the temple and decided that the doors had been open long enough on a non celebration day. He shuffled back towards the door, determined to lock it.
When Anjali saw that he was returning, she shouted, ‘I am the fairest born’. Old Man Time stopped, then he continued his shuffling towards the door.
‘They say I am the fairest born’ Anjali cried desperately, but Old Man time’s hands were on the door.
‘My mother is Kasi, my father is-‘.
Old Man Time stopped. ‘You better come in’ he said, ‘but only briefly, no one should see you here you know it is forbidden, unless you also wanted to be SITHE. I hear they have need for a new wife.’
Anjali followed the old man into the temple. Inside the crossed the temple courtyard and he led her to the stores. Through the stores, they went till they reach the other side of the temple and then Old Man Time opened another door and Anjali could see outside, she was confused. Old Man Time grabbed her arm and pushed her out the door on the other side and said,’ if you are the fairest born, your father is not your father, your mother is your sister, for you are the child of a priest and the daughter of Inulan’. Old man time shut the door in her face and when she looked around Anjali started crying, for she had lost her father, her mother and her seven brothers in one day and now she had lost her town and her village. Old Man Time had taken her to the other side and she was now in another land, a strange land with a strange forest that walked towards her. Anjali shrank against the temple door begging to be let in, promising that she would sing happy songs again. The trees came close and Anjali screamed. She could not help it. Even though Old Man Time had said she was the daughter of an Inulan, a protected one, she would not let them take her so easily. She took off hear head-tie and scarf and wrapped them round her heart and waist and began to sing, but the words would not come out, her brain did not work and when the first tree reached her, Anajali felt herself slipping away from the world she had suddenly become lost in.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I was enjoying this, but after she headed to her grandmother’s house I kind of got lost of what was going on. Grammar wise I didn’t spot any errors or misspellings though.
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cap10martini reviewed Version 1 -
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this reads like an old fable and I belive that was your intent. The problem is that it also reads in that way that make those old legends hard to read. It is a lot of this happened then this and then this. We never really get submerged into the story until maybe near the end when she is talking with Time. I think you need to pull us into the scenens a bit more. What does the market look like? Is it crowded? What does it smell like? Pull us into the story and the charecter with details.
placidchaos reviewed Version 1 -
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I have a book of African folktales that I read to my children. This story reminds me of them. It is very well written in that style and even the ambigous ending makes sense in the traditional way of telling these tales. That is one problem that my 10 yr old has with the African Folktales. They often do not have an ending in the sense that we think of one. Everything is not so often tied up in a neat little package.
There are some things I can see that need fixing. On the first page, when the song comes in it needs to be separated into verse as are the other songs later on in the story.
Spelling and grammar
pg1 par1 “realised” Realized?
Page5 last Par “Reach” Reached
Also many are going to want a Finite ending. I too feel as if it should continue, but in the traditional sense maybe it is fine the way it is.
Rugbyguy90 reviewed Version 1 -
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This story part is a little confusing. When they talk of being silent, does that mean they don’t sing or that they don’t talk? Also it would help if you could also explain a little more about what being the fairest child means and the meaning to the song. With a little swork though you have a good set up for a great story.
Kathleen reviewed Version 1 -
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This was very engaging; I read it avidly. But I wanted something more at the end. I felt that this was not the ending. It is a time of change for her; Anjali has found out that her identity is not what she thought it was. Instead, she’s the daughter of a protected one. What does that mean? Are the trees really trees, and why would they be able to make her “slip away?” Where does she go? And what is the lesson: not to seek to find out the things that people don’t want to tell you?
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is very good, and engrossing. I would break it up a bit more to make it easier to read. You also need to punctuate and capitalise dialogue correctly. Be careful of run-ons. Take out words you don’t need, i.e. ‘that’. And simplify some of the sentences where you can, ‘So he opened the temple doors which, was not allowed on a non-celebration day and he shooed Anjali..’ Could be- ’So, he opened the temple doors, which was not allowed on a celebrationless day, and shooed Anjali…’
Right around there, you say Anjali would not move, yet she dodges him. I would change move to leave to avoid any confusion or nitpicking.
Overall, you did a very good job, though, and I would love to read similar pieces. This has some great ‘nods’ toward story-telling tradition. Nicely done.
sehoner reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. I guess that is an omen to all those that wish for more than they are given. A very good read, but a rather long winded way to say, “curiosity killed the cat”.
I liked it. A little mystery and intrigue wrapped up in a story about a culture that is set in its ways and has severe punishment for those that balk against it.
I like Anajali, am wondering who the hell is the fairest of them all? If not her then whom?
One suggestion though, you have a few run-on sentences that should be chopped up in to several smaller ones. (changes are in parenthesis)
Example;
“Old Man Time grabbed her arm and pushed her out the door(.)”If you are the fairest born (then) your father is not your father (and) your mother is your sister(.) You are the child of a priest and the daughter of Inulan(!)” Old man time shut the door in her face and when she looked around Anjali started crying(.) (This day) she had lost her father, her mother(,) seven brothers and her village.”
Just a few changes that may or may not help you out.
Thanks again for the read.
streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 1 -
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you tell the story in a fairytale/fable-like way – so goal accomplished there!
i think you need to edit this – break it down into more readable chunks… at times, i found it hard to follow…
you’ve created a believable world here – it felt real…
i did confused at the the point of this though… and i read it twice… i still didn’t get why the priest took her from her world and pushed her into an alternate one…
i like your writing style overall… keep writing!
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