Brian’s transition from disbelief to belief and resignation is definitely the bit I’m finding hardest.
My main problem is that while I’d like to have more weird stuff happening, the time constraint of getting this into a tight, 5 minute short is my main concern.
A friend suggested that I could have Brian’s various items (those he checks at the start) gradually turning into grey blocks or vanishing.
Screenplay / Journey's End (Analysis)
INT. EMPTY TRAIN STATION CARRIAGE – NIGHT
BRIAN (mid 40s), wearing a smart suit and tie, wakes up. He is sat on a seat in a deserted train carriage. The train is stopped at a station.
Brian looks out of the train window, the station also appears deserted and the signs that would show the station name are blank.
He checks himself for all his possessions: wallet, mobile phone, slim briefcase, expensive watch. They are all present.
Brian walks the length of the train looking for a conductor or anyone. There is no one.
He stops beside a door. The door slides open by itself.
EXT. TRAIN STATION PLATFORM – NIGHT
Brian gets off the train. He glances up and down the platform.
He takes out his mobile phone and looks at the screen: there is no signal.
He looks around at the overhead monitors, these are blank.
Brian sees a light in a waiting room on the platform. He walks towards it.
INT. STATION WAITING ROOM – NIGHT
CHARON is sitting in the waiting room, his feet up, reading a newspaper. He is wearing reading glasses and a guard’s uniform – rumpled and loosened at the collar.
Brian appears in the glass of the waiting room door. He looks in and pushes the door open. Charon licks his finger and turns a page in his newspaper.
BRIAN
Excuse me.
Charon closes his newspaper folds it in half and drops it on a seat beside him. He stands up.
CHARON
Yes, sir. How can I be of assistance?
BRIAN
What station is this? I seem to have fallen asleep on the train.
CHARON
This is Journey’s End sir. Terminus. End of the line.
BRIAN
Journey’s End?
CHARON
Aye, Journey’s End. So called because this is where the train terminates and the journey ends.
BRIAN
Yes, very good.
Brian looks around. He glances down at his watch. Glances back at it again and then, frowning, shakes his wrist.
BRIAN
(continued)
Is there a train out tonight? I need to get to Guildford.
Charon shakes his head.
BRIAN
(continued)
Anything heading back up to London?
Charon continues to shake his head.
CHARON
No trains out ‘til dawn, sir. And it’s a long while ‘til then.
Charon takes off his reading glasses and polishes them on a grey-with-age handkerchief. He stares off to one side of Brian.
CHARON
(continued)
Not many people come in on the train nowadays. Not like it used to be. There’s times I see no one for a week straight. Time was that each train that came in brought over a hundred souls here.
Charon puts his now clean glasses into his top pocket and picks up his paper again, tucking it under his arm.
Brian looks impatient. He shifts on his feet and does not hide the fact that he is barely listening to Charon
CHARON
(continued)
Course every body’s got their own car now. Lots of people coming here in cars now. Everyone’s on their own schedule. And every one is in a rush. Folks don’t pass the time of day any more.
Charon looks as if he is about to go on talking. Brian interrupts quickly.
BRIAN
Where could I find the number for a taxi firm? I’d really like to get home tonight.
CHARON
No taxis to take you out tonight. It’s too late. No buses neither, before you ask. Nobody’s leaving before the dawn.
Charon heads towards the door of the waiting room. He gestures for Brian to follow.
CHARON
(continued)
There’s a place for you to stay here. Follow me please, sir.
EXT. TRAIN STATION PLATFORM – NIGHT
Charon doesn’t wait for Brian. He leaves the waiting room and walks along the platform towards the covered footbridge across the track.
Brian exits the waiting room and follows Charon. The waiting room lights turn off behind him.
Brian pulls out his mobile phone as he walks.
He checks the display: still no signal.
BRIAN
Is there a pay phone around here?
CHARON
If you could just follow me, sir.
INT. COVERED FOOTBRIDGE – NIGHT
Charon stops and turns to Brian at the midpoint of the footbridge.
CHARON
I’ll need to see your ticket, sir, before you can go any further.
BRIAN
Pardon? (fumbles in his pocket) Here.
Brian hands his ticket to Charon. Charon looks at the ticket for a second.
BRIAN’s POV: The ticket turns into a silver coin in Charon’s hands.
Brian blinks and frowns.
CHARON
Very good, sir.
Charon pockets the ticket/coin.
BRIAN
Hold on, that was a season pass. I’ll need that back, thank you.
CHARON
‘fraid you won’t be needing it anymore, sir. Your ticket’s all run out.
BRIAN
I think you’ll find that there was another month left on that. I’ll have to insist that you give it back to me.
CHARON
No can do. You have to pay your fare before you can come in. I don’t give change and I don’t do refunds.
BRIAN
What are you talking about? Fare to come in? In to where? (sarcastic)Your station?
CHARON
Into Hell, sir. I’m the ferryman, you pay me to let you in.
Charon turns and walks on. Brian is left standing, gobsmacked.
CHARON
(continued – muttering)
Used to be everyone knew that. Nowadays I don’t get any of the proper respect.
Brian catches up with Charon.
BRIAN
Ferryman? What the Hell are you talking about?
CHARON
Hell is what I’m talking about, sir. You’ve hit it on the head.
Charon stops, Brian stops with him.
Charon puts a hand on Brian’s shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze.
CHARON
You’re in Hell, son. This is the journey’s end for you. This is your destination.
Charon turns and carries on.
Brian watches him go with disbelief and exasperation evident on his face.
Brian looks at his mobile phone again.
The mobile phone screen is totally blank now. Brian tries to turn on the phone, but the phone does not respond.
Brian looks up to see Charon just disappearing down the stairs at the far end of the bridge.
He looks back to where he came from. The lights begin to turn off.
Brian puts his mobile phone back in his pocket and hurries to catch up with Charon on the stairs.
BRIAN
I have to say you’ve been extremely unhelpful.
CHARON
Is that so, sir. I must say that i do my best to be friendly and courteous to all those who pass through here.
BRIAN
Your idea of friendly is very skewed if you think making jokes at the customer’s expense is in order.
CHARON
No jokes, no jokes, sir. You are in Hell.
BRIAN
Look, if you persist with this I’m going to have to report your conduct to South West Trains.
CHARON
If you say so sir.
Charon carries on walking into -
INT. TRAIN STATION FOYER - NIGHT
Charon stops at the centre of the foyer and turns to face Brian.
Brian also stops and the two of them face each other straight on.
Brian runs a hand through his hair and looks around the foyer.
BRIAN
Could you just tell me if there is a pay phone around here that I could use.
CHARON
No phones here, sir. (beat) Most people can’t believe it when they first get told. But they come to realise the truth soon enough.
BRIAN’S REACTION. He opens his mouth to speak and then shuts it again.
CHARON
(V.O.)
Think about it sir. Have you felt warm since you got here? Have you felt your heart beat? Have you taken a breath, other than through force of habit?
Emotions play across Brian’s face in a long silence.
BRIAN
(slowly)
It’s true, isn’t it? I’m dead. I died.
Charon nods his head in commiseration and agreement.
CHARON
I’m afraid so sir.
BRIAN
Now what? Eternal damnation? I wasn’t so bad in life, was I?
CHARON
That’s not for me to say, sir.
Brian brings his hand to his forehead. He shakes his head and lets the hand drop to his side.
Brian sags.
BRIAN
What now?
CHARON
You and I say our goodbyes, sir. Then you walk out that door and face what’s coming to you.
Charon gestures towards the front door of the station.
Brian’s gaze follows Charon’s gesture.
Brian heads towards the door.
CHARON
(to Brian’s back)
I’ll give you one thing to hold onto, sir. It isn’t eternal damnation. In the morning we can all get on our trains out of here. When the dawn comes, that is.
Brian doesn’t look back. He nods slightly in acknowledgment.
Brian glances down at the briefcase he is still carrying. He puts it down on the floor.
Brian takes off his tie and puts it on top of the brief case and undoes his top button.
Brian squares his shoulders a little and steps through the door to -
EXT. OUTSIDE FRONT OF STATION – NIGHT
Brian hears the sounds of souls in torment. The lights of Hell flicker on his face as horror and fear overcome him.
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skyblue12 reviewed Version 2 -
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i like your twist on Charon instead of a boat it’s a train station very clever. as for the dialouge it’s a little stiff your main character isn’t freaked out enough that he’s going to hell. you also need more camera angles over all though it’s a good piece.
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Someone_knows reviewed Version 2 -
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everything was fine with this until the last bit, the part where he accepts what’s happening. the build up and the end deserve better then what seemed like a bit of an anti climax where he goes from argumentative to “it’s true isn’t it, I’m dead. I died” I mean yeah obviously we all know how it’s going to end I just personally felt you can make it better, more dramatic, more shocking, more poignant, anything that jolts you from the linear aspect of the story.
I just feel there’s more to be extracted from this story as a whole, maybe it could be extended a little, or is it set in stone that you want it as a five minute short?
the actual idea is great, the atmosphere created and the dialogue are for me all good, it’s just that one little problem I have with it.
any questions or problems you’ve got with this review send me a message.
cya
KindredSpirit reviewed Version 2 -
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Will try to help w/ a bit more fat. Not sure if you can see the page divisions as I can but here goes – Pg. 2 Charon – maybe, ‘Time was each train brought in over a hundred souls.’ And in his next speech, can shorten 2nd sentence, ‘Lots of people come here in cars.’
Nice suspense in walk to footbridge.
Pg. 3 Brian – Just ‘Fare? Into where?’ seems sufficient.
Pg. 4 How about, ‘Hell is “exactly” what I’m talking about.’? And, ‘You’re… son. Your journey’s end. Your destination.’
Simply, Brian watches him go in disbelief.
‘I do my best to be friendly and courteous to all who pass through here.’
Pg. 5 ‘Most people can’t believe it at first.’
A thought – maybe Brian should get a bit frantic, cut himself and see there is no blood before he accepts being dead. Is he dead?
Not sure I get all Brian’s action w/ hand to forehead… sags.
Writing a short film has got be hard as hell! My hat’s off to you.
writerjudd reviewed Version 2 -
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The theme of “anti-hero suddenly finds self in hell” has certainly been done before, but it never ceases to grab my interest; mostly for the insight into human nature that it provides.
You’ve done a good job laying the foundation for what seems destined to become a solid treatment of the concept.
Whereas you want to know primarily about the efficiency of the dialog, I’ll move along…
The short answer is that yes, the dialog is concise and efficient, but at the same time, I think there’s more conversation here than I believe would take place between an unsuspecting hell initiate and his gondolier.
To be more precise, I think the dialog would proceed just as you’ve constructed it up until the first time “hell” is mentioned, at which time I doubt Brian would spend another minute trying to reason with Charon. I suspect he’d leave him in exasperation and try to find someone else or some way out. Only after encountering all manner of strange things preventing his exit would he sheepishly return to Charon, at which time the conversation would have advanced a couple of degrees beyond what you’re currently attempting to do line by line, as Brian would already begin to realize what’s going on.
Please understand that these are minor points that I likely would not have brought up had you not asked for them. This looks like a good bit of work and I’d like to read more.
ksr_kingworth reviewed Version 2 -
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Instead of this:
CHARON
Into Hell, sir. I’m the ferryman, you pay me to let you in.
Why not have Charon tell Brian he’s the ferryman, without saying why? Then Brian can say:
BRIAN
Ferryman? What the Hell are you talking about?
Then, Charon can tell him he’s in Hell.
When Brian realizes he’s not breathing, rather than say, “It’s true, isn’t it?” A show of emotion on his face without saying anything might work better. Don’t know…
The screenplay starts with a vivid image, which is so important. I hope this was helpful.
Bronwyn reviewed Version 2 -
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Dialogue is crisp, in places a bit repetitive, but repetition works here, I think. The well-worn concept of Charon greeting the recently dead is treated amusingly throughout this piece. I have no complaints, other than, there seems very little plot or character development: I think you need one or the other to make any piece of fiction work. It held my interest, but the end was disappointing in that nothing really happened.
I think you’re format and technique are fine. Best of luck. And, of course, keep writing.
ruthybird reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved reading this. There was real gripping suspense, waiting to see what was coming next. The language was natural and very real. Characters were well-presented. It leaves you wanting to hear more of Brian’s story, what’s brought him to Hell. Perhaps you could do a flashback here to his former life.
I hope you continue this.
ajanon reviewed Version 1 -
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I suspect that this will not count as a critique of you efforts, please do not think it was unintresting as it was not. I fear it is very close to something I recollect having already been done and popularised on a T.V program called The Twilight Zone, sometime in the late fifties or in the sisties some time!
Sorry
AVRP reviewed Version 1 -
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Quite chilling. For a screenplay its rather short. I imagine this is part of a longer series?
A good read though. I feel bad for Brian… Which mythology are you going by? Charon I thought was the boatman yes, but purgatory wasn’t all punishment. It sounded like a droopy place but not hell under earth. I could be wrong though.
Good writing! Keep it up!
kaine63 reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked this. I think using the train station with a guy thinking he missed his train, turning into the ferryman of the dead taking him to hell. nice dialogue and i thought the stage direction was good also. I wonder if you could even take this screenplay further with what happens when brian enters hell?
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