If this had cost me substantial credits I would have submitted it for refund. This is not helpful at all.
Poetry / Fainting
the air becomes thicker now
a sticky veil stopping breath
each inspiration more labored
this posture seeking acceptance
trivial excuses begging pardon
my complexion becoming white
filled once now slowly draining
like a punctured plastic bag
sailing through empty lots
the disposable nature of being
knowing fully yet still fleeting
a just refusal to participate
courageous conviction binds
hubris paved good intentions
deepening confusion’s cavernous gap
such a hideous joke being sure
ignorant certainty grasps tightly
knowing the limitations of my shallow lungs
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Charley_Groth reviewed Version 3 -
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I like how you weave in a setting- I see trash and a commercial landscape. You are losing consciousness, but at the same time indicting the reader to look at the world around them. I’m not sure what some of it meant like
“courageous conviction binds
hubris paved good intentions”
but I guessed at it and reading aloud promised very fruitful.
another theme- is the feeling of sudden helplessness descibed in a new way for me, as a hideous joke- PERFECT! I think to avoid some of my confusion you could have pointed that theme out earlier or made it shine at the top.
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enamorado32407 reviewed Version 3 -
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This was really good. A neat way to describe fainting.
oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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Very well done. You have made something poetic out of fainting.You describe it very adequetly with a twist of prose. However, these two lines seem to take away some of the tension and make it less cohesive. I am not sure how this fits into the rest of it. What is the good intention.
courageous conviction binds
Hubris paved good intentions Hubris means pride and somehow it doesnt fit. The rest seems fine. Thanks Sandi
Indya reviewed Version 3 -
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The subtlety in description and very pretty word flow in this poem are quite enjoyable. I like its structure as well. There’s very little I’d change in this poem with the possible exception of making it even shorter. However, my personal tastes run more toward short poems that pack a powerful punch. You’ve done an excellent job here!
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 3 -
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Not sure if this is supposed to reflect the experience of just fainting or reflect upon more deeper meanings of existence. ‘this posture seeking acceptance’ seems to mean the latter, but what has fainting got to do with that? When things get too difficult, should one just faint? S5 is inscrutable, hard to decipher. The last line reflects the limits of one’s stamina in terms of staying conscious but overall, the poem escape this reader. What has fainting and being got to do with one another?
destined2bgreat reviewed Version 3 -
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This is real poetry like the professors teach! Wow your metaphors and alliterations are off the charts! For a minute I couldn’t breath. “Great creation—- “courageous conviction”
and “confusion’s cavernous gap” DAAAAAANG!
My only recommendation is adding punctuation because it interfered with the flow in some parts and I had to reread parts to understand how it was being said. Specifically stanza 4 line 1 I kept reading straight through. The lack of punctuation actually lends to the tone however, its harder for the reader without it.
Lin reviewed Version 3 -
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Here’s a cutdown version, I hope it helps. My wife & daughters have asthma ao I’ve often had to rush someone to emergency over the years. I understand the distress.
my face is blanched now
the air is a sticky veil
each breath
even harder to take
I am disposable
a plastic bag
floating over vacant lots
disposable
no pardons
trivial excuses
J_es reviewed Version 1 -
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its good…i faintly felt like i was in your shoes.
jdgosslee reviewed Version 1 -
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Very preachy, I can hear the pulpit speakers now outside. You have a definite talent here, but development is key, leave out the adjectives, they destroy this peice. Add some grammar and condense ideas using metaphor and simile, once you have this down to ten lines or so I think you’ll be back in writing again.
Edit, edit, edit…
methusellah reviewed Version 1 -
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you know suspense is the best way to keep in the bottled emotions from spilling out of control yet in your poem you carefully craft the it so as to release your emotions out in small delicious bits in relation to the mood of the guy in the poem. i love how you have nmanaged to keep me in the tune of your confusion in relation to this powerful urge you have for existance. you truely have a talent that requires practise to be perfect work of art. a true master piece.
although their are some parts that make it a bit confusing, as in they distort the already perfect picture that you had painted in your viewers mind. in this part i couldn’t qiute say whether it was a flirt or was it somethng that make you tick,”refusing always to participate
speak of the disposable nature of being
knowing this doesn’t make us any less fleeting.”
any way good work.
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