Short Story / Nightmare (Analysis)
“Honey, it’s time. are you ready?” I placed my hands on his shoulders as he stared intensly into the mirror. He gave a sullen nod and stood slowly.
“I love you,” he whispered, barely audible. At his words my eyes began to tear. I could taste the salt on my tongue as a little drop rolled over my lips. He pulled me into his arms so tight I could hardly breath, but I didn’t care. We sat there in silence for a moment. I could hear the opening band’s intruments punding loud music into a screaming audiance of fans. the foot steps of the tech group setting up equipment for the next act were loud and rang through the little changing room. Reluctantly, I let him go. I didn’t say a word; if I had I would have burst into tears. He walked to the stage door and looked back at me with a promise in his eyes. “goodbye,” he mouthed slowly. I stared as I heared the door close softly. His oversized boots made a metallic clanking sound as he walked up the alluminum stares to the stage above. I slowly walked out to find my place in the audiance.
As I walked through the crowed, it was as if everything went quiet. the world around me became so far away. It was as if time stopped. I watched as the lights dimmed, my heart skipping a beat. The announcer came on stage, and a spotlight appeared on him.
“Ladies and gentlemen! Give a warm welcome to-” just then the lights cut out, and a scream came from somewhere behind stage. The audiance knew that one was fake. The lights came back up and there he stood tall and proud. Even though he didn’t look it, I could see the pain in his eyes, even from where I sat. the entire time he watched me from the stage.
“It’s been awhile my friends.” he said, just like he had before. He lifted his arms in offering to the crowd and they roared even louder. It was as if he was calling out to anyone who would want him dead, “come and get me.” Time was crawling by. as I waited for the final moment, my stomach churned. butterflies wound their way through my gut. I could almost feel their itchy little legs on the underside of my skin. I froze as I started to hear a click next to my ear. I closed my eyes. my head was swimming. I heard the bong shatter through the noise and everything fell silent. I opened my eyes and found myself staring strait into his. “I love you too” I whispered softly. He would never hear it. I wish I would have said it just one last time to him. I ateched as his body went limp and fell to the stage. a small pool of blood started to grow around him. Numb. that’s all I felt. Numb.
then all of a sudden, I start hearing this buzzing in my ears. it’s strange. it’s so clear in the small murmer of scared whispers. it gets louder, and louder, and then “BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ!” I jump up right in bed. I’m panting and sweating. I look at my pillow and see it’s damp with tears. I look over at the side of my bed to the picture of us together. Him and I, alive and together, niether of us dead, niether of us broken. It’s just us, smiling back from the picture. “what a nightmare..” I thought out loud…
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It is a really good story but there are quite a few grammatical errors. A lot of sentences don’t start with capitals and you have a few words spelt correctly but they are the wrong form of the word.
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I liked this, ‘what a nightmare’ indeed. Your description of your POV character’s feelings is exhaustive, in a good way. Some of it could use some touching up however. For example, you repeated ’ it was as if ’ a couple of times within the same paragraph, which was a little awkward. Also, watch out for sentences like ‘then all of a sudden, I start hearing this buzzing in my ears.’ A few too many words tend to bog things down, you could restate it something like ‘A buzzing noise abruptly comes to my ears’, which uses fewer words but conveys the same idea.
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