Poetry / poem.5: "Lovers"
Lovers
With her eyes she stabbed him repeatedly.
Between them the silence
cut far deeper than any knifed word could,
and deeper than I could observe
of this isolated
impact crater that I could only guess
was once her beating heart.
I could not tell you what he said.
I only just came upon them like this.
Her porcelain eyes welled with the heavy tears
that came from deep within her body
where only a wounded lover’s soul bleeds.
In one swift motion, graceless and shamed—
and no sooner than I had sat down—
as though she was abducted from her chair,
grabbed by the gravity of some greater thing,
she left.
A heavy, silent wake
held its breathe
while pretending not to notice.
The door slowly closed
itself behind her,
as indifferent hydraulic hinges tend to do.
He sat staring deeply
at the cosmic blackness of
her still warm cup of coffee
and did not follow her out.
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this is very good, i do have a couple of suggestions.
than any knifed word could, (any sharply honed word…?)
of this isolated (in this…?)
deep within her body (...her heart?)
I could not tell you what he said.
I only just came upon them like this. (these 2 lines take away from the rest)
“as indifferent hydraulic hinges tend to do.” i love this line.
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I Love Visual Poems…Your Poem Couldnt Have Started More Perfect…And As One Keeps Reading It Gets Even Better As The Words Take Over The Mind…
I liked how you made this poem from an observation. Not so much depth with the feelings each person had. I like how simple you made it; how instead of empathy for the couple I am wondering how the observer feels about the situation at hand. I wonder if his thoughts give it more consideration than the poem lets us know. I really enjoyed the way it made a complicated and possible life altering event for a couple and turned it into a simple occurrence of chance observation, if you will, for someone else.
Of course with her leaving by herself with swelling eyes it would lead one to assume that they are indeed breaking up. I am left to wonder though what truly happened. I applaud open ended poems. Bravo.
Nicely observed with some interesting imagery. one suggestion: its very much written from her perspective even thought its written as an observer. it would be interesting to work in some of his perspective or observe him more directly. he is strangely absent
There are some nice nuggets in here…”isolated impact crater”...but overall it feels a little disjointed. I think it’s intended to discuss the depth of a very short period of time…but for me it’s a little too wordy. I’d enjoy more precision, less flourish. But that might just be me. :)
I liked the imagery and the comparisons in this piece! The first stansa was excellent, as were the following! This was awesome. Your word choice and structure created an excellent flow and sense of understanding with the reader. I could easily see this in a lit mag or something of that nature.
“With her eyes she stabbed him repeatedly.
Between them the silence
cut far deeper than any knifed word could,
and deeper than I could observe
of this isolated
impact crater that I could only guess
was once her beating heart”
That stansa is very, very powerful. Its something that I wish I could have written myself. Excellent job!
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