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Action Adventure / Don't have One: Chapter one
CHAPTER ONE
It was six o’clock in the morning. Just before the sun was set to rise. The Woods of Tunnel Mill was very quiet. It seemed like there were no animals about. The leaves on the trees were falling to the ground. Fall was arriving. The creek was full from the flooding a little earlier last month. So full that it reached to the old mill. The Tunnel Mill House was falling apart. The floors were caving in and it was full of mold and insects. Especially spiders. The garage was falling apart a lot faster. The ceiling had almost caved in during the flooding. On the floor laid a naked boy of about 16. He was breathing really hard, almost like a dog panting. He was sweating. He was toned and had a necklace on. He grabbed his shaggy blonde hair and began to moan. He almost began to cry when someone hollered “Who’s in there?!” The boy was quiet. He heard the door creak open and the boy got up and jumped out the window. He ran threw the woods with inhuman speed. He stooped at the edge of the woods and looked around the field. He could see no one around outside of their houses. The boy ran to a brick two story house and jumped up to the open window.
No one could have done that.
The boy opened his dresser and got out a pair of boxers and went to the bathroom. He turned on the shower and turned the dial all the way to freezing. The cool water felt good on his hot body. He began to rube his body with a washcloth when he heard a knock at the door. “Yeah?”
“Zac will you come downstairs when you’re done I need to talk to you?” said a woman in a kind voice.
“Yeah in a minute.”
Zachary Samuels is a foster child. He was put into the system when he was about 13. His mother and father were killed in a car accident. A drunk driver was racing his friend when he rammed into the back of Zac’s parents car. Their car slid into the intersection and was hit by a semi. It killed his parents instantly. He was put into the system three days later when the government couldn’t track down any of his relatives. After two months living at the foster parents house he began changing. He would leave in the middle of the night and come back early in the morning drunk. Sometimes naked sometimes with his boxers on.
The foster parents couldn’t handle it much longer so they sent him back to the orphanage. He bounced between foster homes till he was 16. This is when Zac met Rebecca or Becca as she liked to be called. She lived in Charlestown, Indiana. Zac began to think of Becca as a mother. He didn’t want to hurt her like he hurt all the others. She was so kind and careing towards him. Becca treated him like a son and not some kid she had to take care of. So has to not hurt Becca he started leaving at midnight when she was sure to be asleep, and come home at six in the morning when she would wake up to leave for her job. But little did he know she knew about what he was doing. She didn’t know what he was doing, and wasn’t going to question him on it. She knew that if she was going to get to him, she had to wait for him to come to her.
Zac turned off the shower and dried off with a towel. He put on his boxers and went to his room to put on baggy jeans and a white shirt. His room was painted dark blue and he had a queen sized bed. His dresser was black and had his TV was on top. His desk with a lap top on it sat in a corner next to the closet. Zac took his back pack and hoodie from the bed and walked down stairs. The house was painted white with red lilies all over the walls in the hall. The rest had unfinished artworks on them. Becca was an artist or at least trying to be. She still hadn’t sold any art but was getting ready to make a deal with a store that wanted her to paint roses and other
Zac walked into the kitchen and sat down in the chair across from Becca. She was 29 and single or so she said. She had black hair and looked almost like Angelina Joli except for her lips which were smaller. People were surprised to hear that she had chosen to take care of a foster child. They thought she would go to Italy, as she said, and live there for the rest of her life. She had on a white t-shirt and a black mini skirt.
“You wanted to talk to me?” said Zac
“Yeah. Um well you see I need to go to Tennessee for three weeks and was wondering if it’d be al right with you.”
Zac smiled, “This is good isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” said Becca starting to smile.
“Sure I don’t care. What are you going to be doing?”
“Well there is a new restaurant opening in Nashville. A very fancy restaurant. And they want me to Paint roses and things like that.”
“Great.” Said Zac. “When will you be leaving?”
“Tonight.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I’m going to leave you the mustang and Jake is going to take me to the airport.”
“Great. Not that your leaving just that you got a job.” said Zac.
“Oh shut up.”
He got up and looked at the time. It was getting close to 7:50. School started at 8:03.
“Damn. I need to go.”
“Bye. The keys are on the TV.”
Zac went into the living room and got the keys off of the big screen TV and went out into the cold. He got into the drivers side of the black mustang and put his hoodie and backpack in the back seat. He started it up and backed out. He drove out of the newly finished Woods of Tunnel Mill subdivision and turned left. Going down Tunnel Mill Road. He drove down the curvy road for about two minutes when he reached the Tunnel Mill house. He looked at the garage remembering last night.
When he was a wolf.
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JaneLloyd reviewed Version 1 -
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It was six o’clock in the morning. Just before the sun was set to rise.
I would combine these two sentences into one, which would make it more complex. For example: It was six o’clock in the morning, just before the sun was set to rise. Or, morning, the sun was only a sliver on the horizon. Either way, just by combining these two sentences you will eliminate a simple sentence and a fragment and create a better sentence. You really want the first few sentences of a story to be strong so that they really grab your reader.
Mill was very
*were
Additionally, as I showed with the first two sentences, I would suggest that you look at your sentences again and try to combine them to make them longer. Most often, except in dialog and rare occasions, you really don’t want sentences that are only 3 words. If you want more help with this feel free to message me and I’d be glad to show you some more pointers on merging sentences.
said a woman in a kind voice.
*woman, in
early in the morning drunk.
morning, drunk
Sometimes naked sometimes
naked, sometimes
This is when
The rest of this story has been told in the past tense, but here you suddenly shift to present tense. Try to remain consistent, it is near impossible to tell a story and shift tenses without losing your reader. Not impossible, just very close to it.
That being said, I’d make it “This was when”
kind and careing
*caring
So has to not hurt Becca
So as? Maybe change it to, To avoid hurting Becca
Becca was an artist or at least trying to be
artist, or
I’d hold out the suspense of revealing he was a wolf. Maybe leak it in slowly with hints of wolf-life behaviors.
In general, I think your story concept is good, at least what you’ve revealed. Zac is a complex guy with a lot in his past, and apparently his present. Mostly, you need to fix the sentence structure. Now, a lot of this stuff just comes with time and practice. You will see writers on here who write as if they’re 16 when they’re really 30. What you need to do is practice and work at it. For commas, read your sentences aloud and when you hear a pause, place a comma. it works, for the most part. Additionally, if you have two really small sentences next to each other, that are both describing the same thing, they probably need to be merged. Just work at it, try hard, and I’m sure you’ll do fine.
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brohne reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed reading this. You have a really good start and it’s intriguing. There are just a few things that could make this really stand out.
First of all you tell us a lot. I would like to ‘see’ more of the scenery. Think of when you would be describing a movie to someone, what kinds of words do you choose so that they get the picture, so to speak? You use lots of description. One great way to do this it to imagine yourself in the scene. Now closing your eyes- what do you smell? hear? feel? even taste? An old musty garage has a peculiar smell that you can taste when you breathe.
Little things like this will help your writing come alive. I hope to read more soon.
slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting beginning! It made me want to read more. I especially like how you ended this with that last sentence explaining the reason for Zac’s strange behavior. There are some things I’d like to point out:
He ran threw the woods with inhuman speed – threw should be through
He began to rube his body with a washcloth - rube should be rub
Sometimes naked sometimes with his boxers on – I believe you need a semicolon between naked and sometimes.
She still hadn’t sold any art but was getting ready to make a deal with a store that wanted her to paint roses and other – this sentence is incomplete.
There are other spelling and grammer problems besides the ones I mentioned above, so you should watch that. Copy and pasting doesn’t usually cause that many spelling problems.
Most of your story is in past tense, then you stick in present tense sometimes, such as this sentence: Zachary Samuels is a foster child. Lots of people make that mistake, including me, so make sure you work on that.
But other than those things, you have a great story here. I like the idea. Work hard and keep practicing. You’re a great writer. Good luck!
jtthehunter reviewed Version 1 -
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Good development, even tempo with the flow of the story, interesting to the reader to follow along as the story unfolds and try to figure out what is happening. Nice lead in for the next chapter. There are however some little issues to resolve.
He began to rube his body with a washcloth
I believe you meant to say ‘rub’.
She was so kind and careing towards him
‘caring’ simple spell check no big issue
So has to not hurt Becca, should read as ‘so as not to hurt Becca’
The rest had unfinished artworks on them, might want to consider changing this to ‘artwork’ that leads the reader to the impression that there are several hung on the walls and the sentence flows more smoothly.
Not that your leaving just that you got a job.” said Zac That would be you are contraction of you’re not your which shows possession.
Little issues to correct and maybe consider not making so many short simple sentences and move in complex sentence structure.
Overall a good story with incredible potential.
StronglyDesirous reviewed Version 1 -
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I have never been published nor have I spoken to a publisher. I only read what catches me at hello. You managed to keep me reading that is a start. Good Luck
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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I found the wolf bit a litle predictable, other than that, pretty good. You jumped from past to present tense once. The story line was good and easy to follow, and the description was outstanding. I could actually picture the subdivision in my mind. Really good work.
Russell_Parkway reviewed Version 1 -
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There is potential for what could be a great story. However what the beginning lacks is a big punch in order to grab the reader right away. For example, since the story is about the boy in the barn, you should start with that. We shouldn’t have to wait until page four to find out that he was a werewolf, it would be better in the beginning. Also the spelling mistakes. From experience, agents and publishers hate that because it’s a huge distraction.
My advice to you is to show a bit more by giving imagery. For example, we know he’s naked, but does he have any blood under his nails from a possible kill he made the night before. Maybe by starting with a flashback where he tears the flesh off of a victim. Just be a bit more imaginative.
rorschach reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, it was an interesting read. The beginning was something that I didn’t predict, with him jumping two stories up and all that. The dialogue needs work, but not a whole lot. Just enough to make it more entertaining to read, instead of the usual hum-drum you hear. I like the werewolf twist. That makes me want to read more.
Steely_Gaze reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, you say the spelling errors are from copying and pasting? Sorry, but you could have at least run this through a rudimentary spellchecker first. I really don’t want to bog down this review with all the mispellings and grammatical errors I found. If you’d rather, I could give you a message containing all of them (if I put them here it’d take up my entire review).
Sorry but it’s true.
That said, you’ve got the makings of a pretty decent story here. Some of your descriptions were good, especially for the character’s environments. Although your descriptions of the characters themselves were spotty at times. Using Angelina Jolie as the descriptor for Becca was troublesome to me because it limits who she is in my eyes and turns her into an actress instead of a person. Perhaps if you had described her, and maintained the Angelina appearance without actually mentioning the name, it would have worked better for me.
I also noticed one major sentence that just disappears partway, here it is:
“The rest had unfinished artworks on them. Becca was an artist or at least trying to be. She still hadn’t sold any art but was getting ready to make a deal with a store that wanted her to paint roses and other” I imagine there should be something more after the word “other”, but there isn’t.
I like the opening and I like the ending. You managed a good “bang!” ending with the last line. It was everything in-between that could use a bit of work.
rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
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