Thank you Dophine! I’m working on making it better. Belles
Flash Fiction / The End of Summer
The bus arrived at 8:45am just as Summer arrived on the curb outside her apartment. It was one of those cold clear days that cause sinus headaches.
“You’re going to be late.” Matt, the bus driver said as he closed the electrical doors.
“I know. Don’t remind me.”
Summer raised her arm like a one armed bandit, and layered the air with Heavenly Scent cologne and then dug in her purse and applied brick-colored lipstick generously on her lips. Two grandmothers complete with blue hair and carts looked disapprovingly at the show.
“This is the third time this week, Matt said as he smiled and winked, “ I’ll get you there on time.” He pulled away from the curb and proceeded to beat the traffic light at every corner.
“You’re an angel, Matt. Bye.” Summer said, he leaned towards the door and shouted.
“I hope it’s not bye forever, call me.”
Summer turned and smiled as he pulled off. Maybe she would call him. The sun burned cold. Maybe this time, she thought. Across the street she saw an old Mercury station wagons like her father’s. Her Aunt Jessie, used to drive it when she would babysit Summer on the weekends taking her to the drive-in or to a carnaval. She longed to go for a drive into the sunset with her Aunt Jessie.
At 9:20, after she ran up the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator she arrived at her desk. Mr. Brown’s door was shut, so she slid into her chair and pretended to be answering the phone, but the message light was flashing, as she picked up the receiver and pressed the message button.
“Can you step into my office, Ms. May when you arrive?” It was his standard gravel filled morning greeting punctuating the fact that she was not at her desk at nine.
Summer grabbed her notebook and knocked on the door, when she entered, he looked at her tilting his head to an odd angle.
He was still looking at her, eyes wide but focused, like she had an antenna sticking out of her head. After an uncomfortable silence, she went to the small chair in front of his desk and sat down to take notes. He finished with “…and so on and so forth…” which were salutations.
Back at her desk Summer thought about calling Karen. She lifted her leather skirt to adjust my stockings, which were ambitiously traveling toward her knees, when she saw Mr. Brown standing in the doorway. She lowered her skirt and he retreated into his office.
“I’m not getting any younger my mother reminded me last night on the phone. Summer told Karen on the phone. She’s great with pep talks. Summer, your sister, Linda has been married six years and is pregnant with her third child, do you want to end up alone? She is more desperate after every phone call.
“Did she mention your Aunt Jessie?” Karen asked.
“Of course, You’re too much like your Aunt Jessie always searching for something but not knowing what you’re looking for,” she said. I asked how Aunt Jessie was doing. “She’s somewhere in New Mexico is all I know, she said. I miss her” I heard hot grease splattering through the receiver; Karen was probably frying turkey, or quesadillas. By the time I got off the phone with her I was nearly in tears at the prospect of my barren life.
“Don’t let her get to you, you’re young. You take your time,” Karen said, and Summer almost believed her.
“I better go. Talk to you later.”
She open minesweeper on her computer while opening the mail with a silver mail opener. She pressed keys trying to find the right keystroke to avoid the mines. After a year she was pretty good at it.
She was thinking about calling Matt, when Mr. Brown came out of his office and stood behind her, staring at the minesweeper game. She was about to explain to him for the umpteenth time that she was patiently waiting for clients to trickle in, but before she could he put his hand on her shoulders and began to awkwardly massage them through her blouse.
She let him, her heart sinking as she all a sudden had a picture in her mind. She was riding with her Aunt Jessie and her date in the Mercury station wagon, being snuck into a dirty drive-in movie, where the women laughed all the time because they were having so much fun, taking their clothes off and being with men, so many men and a smooth soundtrack, Joe Cocker, a sexy strip tease for life. She wasn’t supposed to watch she had fallen asleep and now she realized she never saw how it ended.
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codycooper reviewed Version 2 -
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From the ending I would assume that this is part of a larger piece or something which you plan to launch something larger from. But I won’t dwell on that. All of the characters are setup quite well. Matt seems like a cool enough guy/possible love interest. Summer seems to fall prey to the same thing I do, being late. This aspect of her personality was utilized and displayer very well, especially the re-enforcement of her repetitive behavior as it was noticed by both Matt and her boss. Showing it was a regular thing instead of simply stating it as fact was a great way to deal with this. The story flowed quite well up until the boss put his hands on her shoulders, then it took a turn. You started to use descriptive language that is absent from the rest of the piece and took us to a place seemingly out of left field. I must admit I felt a little cheated, because with all of the time that you used to setup the characters (which was done VERY well), it ended on an awkward note, possibly hinting at something… but not really. For this reason, I hope it will eventually become something larger.
Spelling/Grammar
carnaval – carnival
“I hope it’s not bye forever, call me.”
Corrected – “I hope it’s not bye forever. Call me.”
“Don’t let her get to you, you’re young. You take your time,”
Corrected – “Don’t let her get to you, you’re young. Take your time,”
There were also a couple spots where you forgot to use one of two quotation marks. Other than those however, it seems good to me.
If you develop this further please let me know as I would like to read more about these characters.
Thanks!
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TnD reviewed Version 2 -
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-“Summer raised her” => 3 ‘and’s in one sentence. Try breaking it up a little bit. Perhaps a period right after the ‘cologne’.
-“door, when” => Comma = period.
-“adjust my stockings” => She lifted her skirt to adjust your stockings?
-“younger my” => Period between ‘younger’ and ‘my’. Might want to add ‘of this’ after ‘me’.
-“Summer, your sister, Linda” => “Summer. Your sister, Linda…”
-“Jessie always” => Comma.
-“She pressed keys…” => No need for this. With any story (especially flash fiction), every word needs to hold it’s own weight. Chances are, your reader has heard of Minesweeper.
-“watch she” => Period.
-I’m not really sure where you were going with this story. It started out good and had me hooked, but at the end, it seemed like it just sort of dropped off and didn’t give any sort of closure. Also, you might want to work on the extra obscure details that didn’t really have anything to do with the story. (Example : which were salutations.) I think you’ve got something started here, but I don’t think that it’s going to end up as a flash fiction piece. Try expanding on your idea into a short story or perhaps a novel. Thanks for sharing!
DCAllen reviewed Version 2 -
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Generally well written. This, however, sounds like part of a larger piece. Still, it’s a profound snapshot of this woman’s needs, frustrations and desires.
Proofreading notes:
door, when (comma splice. Remedy: Use a period here.)
my stockings (should be her)
There is no transition from “retreated into his office” to the dialogue that follows. This is the first time that I felt pulled out of this story. And then you switch to first-person in the dialogue. I can’t believe this is intentional.
Matt, when Mr. Brown (no comma before a subordinate clause)
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 2 -
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I would say ‘It was one of those cold clear days that makes your head ache and your nose run.’ rather than sinus headaches. It will get the reader into the feel of the day more easily.
Make sure you close all speech with punctuation. ‘third time this week,” Matt said’ The telephone conversation, etc.
‘carnival’
I’d try ‘Instead of waiting for the elevator, she ran up the stairs, arriving at her desk at 9:20.’
‘standard gravel filled morning greeting punctuating’ this is excessive.
You don’t need to say he was looking at her with his head at an odd angle, then immediately follow it with ‘He was still looking at her’. We already know that, and if nothing happened between the previous moment and this one, you’re just repeating. Have her fix the hem of her skirt, cough, sneeze, or something between the first time you say and the second.
‘Through the receiver, I heard hot grease splatter.’ so it doesn’t sound like hot grease is coming out of the phone.
You need to correct the POV and figure out if it’s first person or third person.
Overall, this is a good attempt, and some of the descriptions are delightful ‘ambitiously traveling..’, but I think you’re trying too hard in some parts so it sounds rather forced and overdone. Once you get the edges smoothed out, I think it will be quite good, because the beginning is nice. The exchange between Summer and Matt is interesting, there’s obviously a relationship there, but I would elaborate on him. Tell us what he looks like, etc.
Keep creating!
dolphine32781 reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this piece. I definitely hope you continue writing on from this. If you do, please send ti to me. Really enjoyed it.
KJEghdami reviewed Version 2 -
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‘8:45am’
Consider spacing the time away from ‘am.’
‘“You’re going to be late.” Matt, the bus driver said as he closed the electrical doors.’
Comma after ‘driver.’
‘Two grandmothers complete with blue hair and carts looked disapprovingly at the show.’
Comma needed after ‘grandmothers’ and after ‘carts.’
‘“This is the third time this week, Matt said as he smiled and winked’
You left out the ending quotation marks after ‘week,’.
‘“You’re an angel, Matt. Bye.” Summer said, he leaned towards the door and shouted.
“I hope it’s not bye forever, call me.”’
I’m assuming Summer didn’t get a sex change. Fix this.
‘Her Aunt Jessie, used to drive…’
Pointless comma. Get rid of it.
All in all, you need to just go through and take a look at the whole thing. The whole story has a lot of work that needs to be done with it.
Bonne chance.
Teehka reviewed Version 2 -
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There are some paragraph breaks and some periods that are misplaced or replaced by commas that shouldn’t be there.
You skipped into a different PoV in a few places so I’m wondering if I’m just misreading it and the narrator is you or the narrator is Summer.
The general rule with dialogue is that every new character speaking means a new paragraph, otherwise the reader gets confused as to who’s talking.
I found Summer’s character instantly likeable, and her conflict was interesting.
ShadowHeadley reviewed Version 2 -
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This 70 word review has not been unlocked.
1ben reviewed Version 2 -
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I have put corrections in cap’s. Hope it helps.
“This is the third time this week, Matt said as he smiled and winked, “ I’ll get you there on time.” He pulled away from the curb and proceeded to beat the traffic light at every corner. NEED SPEECH MARKS AFTER ‘WEEK’
“You’re an angel, Matt. Bye.” Summer said, THIS SHOULD BE BELOW he leaned towards the door and shouted.
“I hope it’s not bye forever, call me.”
Her Aunt Jessie, used to drive NO NEED FOR COMMA
waiting for the elevator she arrived at her desk. COMMA AFTER ‘ELEVATOR’
“Can you step into my office, Ms. May when you arrive?” COMMA AFTER ‘MS. MAY’ It was his standard gravel filled morning greeting punctuating the fact that she was not at her desk at nine.COMMA AFTER ‘GREETING’
Summer grabbed her notebook and knocked on the door, FULL STOP HERE when she entered, he looked at her COMMA HERE tilting his head to an odd angle.
She lifted her leather skirt to adjust my HER stockings
THE PHONE CONVERSATION IS VERY MUDDLED IN TERMS OF STRUCTURE ON THE PAGE- BUT I AM AWARE THIS MIGHT BE TO DO WITH HOW IT COPY-PASTED ONTO THIS FORMAT AND MAY NOT APPEAR SO IN ITS ORIGINAL FORM
all a sudden had GETTING a picture in her mind
COMMA AFTER ‘She wasn’t supposed to watch’
You have created a story with real, everyday concerns and true-to-life characters. Summer is jaded with her present life, perved on by her boss, flirting with the bus driver. The title is very daunting, and final! Summer seems pretty hopeless, but I feel for this story to be more gripping there needs to be more to it. To create a sense of drama, let’s see Summer do something drastic to end this monotonous life; quit her job, sew her boss for sexual harrasment! etc. Do you see what i mean. I feel like you’ve introduced a setting, but not really made much of a story out of it, other than the bare minimum. hope this doesnt sound to harsh, i just think you can add a lot more.
c2darad reviewed Version 2 -
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I think this story has so much potential, but it’s sort of all over the place. The POV changes must be fixed and the dialogue is sloppy when Summer is on the phone with Karen, almost to the point where I have no idea who is speaking and who they are speaking of. There are things I really liked: the bus driver’s character seemed familar and comforting, although I wouldn’t have her consider calling him. I suppose I’m not reading Summer right but she seems a mess with men and Matt seems like a nice guy that a girl like that would ultimately pass up unintentionally for a jerk instead and later regret. I loved how you went into detail about her playing minesweeper because I think anyone who has had a boring office job knows about getting good at that game. Is this finished? This story left me feeling left wide open with questions about the aunt, the dirty movie, the boss. I’m guessing it’s suppose to be up to the reader to decide, which I usually love, but it feels like you didn’t set up nearly enough for me to even take a guess at here. Oh and I absolutely LOVE the title, so misleading but cute.
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