Thanks,
I have long term goals of writing for children and youth so my voice does tend toward that audience. I’m glad you picked up on that.
Short Story / contest submission (Analysis)
Raven knew it was almost time for dinner when the whole camp became quiet with anticipation. The smell of beef stew was so strong she could almost chew it. It brought back many fond memories.
She had attended the Lions Summer Camp for the blind and visually impaired as a child. Eight enlightening summers. It was there she found what would become her passion—sculpture. The first time she held clay and felt it’s strength she was hooked. Her limited sight kept her from ever carving stone but she could create mini-miracles with clay. She had work in four local galleries and supported herself with the commissions she received from local businesses.
Every year the camp had a new name, like Camp Mole or Camp Bat, but it was always the same voices and smells; the same beef stew recipe.
She never dreamt that the program director, Suzanne, would ask her to be the art director for the coming summer. She didn’t know how to respond.
“I just got a new dog,” she said. “We’re still getting used to each other.” She had a hard time excepting a replacement for Charlie. He knew her routine well and would anticipate her next move. Milo was still fresh from training and young for a Seeing Eye dog.
“Well you know we allow dogs right?” Suzanne quipped. She was used to getting what she wanted.
“I’m just not sure I’m the right person for the job,”
“You know this place inside out Raven,” Suzanne said. “You could do it blindfolded!” It was the classic Suzanne joke. She used her humor to make the kids feel at ease and to assure the parents that these kids were going to have fun and learn to laugh at themselves.
“Ok, this could be fun for Milo and I,” she said. She heard Milo stand up and the mention of his name.
“Of course it will be,” Suzanne said. “I have the nothing but faith in you.”
The camp avoided change as much as possible so the returning children wouldn’t have to re-learn everything. She settled in quickly and got to work helping the new kids discover their artistic sides. Even Milo seemed to enjoy the company of the other Seeing Eye dogs; and by the constant wag of his tail Raven could tell he was eager for some playtime.
After dinner on the fourth day of camp she decided to let her trusted companion out for a little break. The retriever understood his master fairly well.
“Milo, you can run around a while but come when I call you,” she said.
At the end of the evening Raven called for Milo to come back to her cabin. Nothing. She called again. Her sensitive ears picked up a yelp in the distance.
“How far did you go?” she asked under her breath.
She headed out in the direction of his yelp. She didn’t want to disturb the campers (or let them think she was an idiot for letting him wander!) so she didn’t call for him until she was near the ravine that bordered the camp to the east. She realized then that if he were hurt she probably would need help anyway.
“Milo!”
He yelped again and it was closer, but sounded very pained. Then another sound. Bushes moving, twigs snapping, birds taking flight from their nests, and a low heavy breathing sound. When the stink of rotten fish hit her she knew she was close to a black bear. Too close.
She heard more cracks and crunches of the forest floor and the playful sound of cubs rolling around. A mom with her cubs. Raven’s brain started replaying the rules of the forest.
Black bears usually fear us and keep their distance but the smell of our food (and garbage) probably brought a hungry bear near the camp.
She only wants to protect her cubs from the threat of a blind woman staggering through the forest.
Then it happened. The bear took a sniff of her hand hanging by her side.
“Help!” she screamed.
Her cry startled the bear. Raven felt a push. The ground should’ve broken her fall within seconds but she kept falling and felt her whole body spinning in mid-air. Fear like she had never known overtook her.
She had no idea how much time had passed when she awoke. It was warmer than most nights so it was likely the next day. She was in a lot of pain but nothing felt broken so she knew she was lucky, and then she remembered Milo.
“Milo,” she said lightly. She was worried about attracting another animal.
No response.
She thought she heard water trickling over rocks and turned toward the sound, ignoring the thorns that sliced her bare legs. She couldn’t recall ever feeling so thirsty. When she stepped into cold running water she sat down, drinking as fast as she could. She jumped up when she heard strangers calling her name, somewhere behind her, higher up. She wasn’t sure. She quickly stepped back and her hair got tangled on a low branch. She wrenched it free and her hand came away sticky. It had that iron rich smell of blood. She felt around and there was a large bump with an open wound on the top of her head.
She sobbed and stumbled, repeatedly whispering to herself.
“You can do this blindfolded.”
As the voices became closer she knew that they would be able to hear her as well. Her head was pounding and she had no idea how much blood she’d lost but her only chance was to get their attention.
“Help,” she yelled. “I’m down here!” But how far down was here?
The sudden urge to sleep overtook her and she had to lie down. She felt fur and held her breath.
Is this the bear? Why doesn’t it smell bad?
“I see her,” a voice said. “Down there next to her dog.”
Raven felt for his face and stroked him before she passed out.
She dreamt that he licked her hand.
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AlexSDS reviewed Version 4 -
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This is an interesting piece and well written.
There were some instances throughout where you tell rather than show, and this piece would be much more powerful showing us more actions rather than giving us the information.
As far as the ending goes, I wasn’t so sure if she died or not. Was it your intention to leave it open ended like that?
This is a nice start towards what could become a powerful and solid piece.
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lisa24n7 reviewed Version 4 -
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I liked the full circle with the bear sniffing her hand and then dreaming her dog licked her hand. Great descriptions and dialogue. I could see this in a young person’s magazine. Nice job.
trampledpixie reviewed Version 4 -
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It certainly classifies as a good story, no doubt there. You build a good sense of tension when Milo disappears and Raven wanders off. We have a definite motif with the Seeing Eye Dog recurrance, and even something to compare Milo to with the previous dog. Through this, we’re led to understand that he’s a troublemaker yet, in his own way, and that it will come into play with the story at large.
At the same time, I feel as though we’re missing pieces, and not just the mystery of Milo’s possible survival or death at the end. We have the smell of the beef stew and the strong feeling of clay, but very little else when it comes to description. Having your main character being blind makes this a definite challenge, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t still have a visual setting. We just have to visualize it through the senses she does have left in all its complexity.
The bear has a smell, how Raven identifies it. The sap and blood have a sticky feeling. But is there nothing else?
How did Raven stumble to the ravine (as I imagine that was quite a distance) even knowing the camp ‘blindfolded’? Was she reaching out to feel for things, that picknick table moved slightly out of place, fallen branches that change constantly, a tree that was recently planted or cut down? Any number of things could attempt to stumble her. As it stands, she seems to walk the interminable distance with absolute ease, which takes away from that tension you’re building otherwise.
My experience with short stories is that they also have some element of symbolism contained in them, something used descriptively about a character or place that doesn’t seem to have a direct tie to anything but actually does. I’m not sure if you have that here. The clay would make for a really great element for Raven, to have it be a sort of recurrent theme and even use it as the basis for all her perceptions of things to the reader. This is an optional element to storytelling, but one worth considering as it can add so much more depth to a short story.
I truly enjoyed reading this, and if/when you revise it, I’d love to read it again!
DByron reviewed Version 3 -
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OK, I do like this. You do have a story here, and a good one with more revision, but your style is kind of wobbly and doesn’t really support the whole in its present form.
First, I’d suggest that you simplify your writing overall. This is not one of those potboilers or urban kitchen-sink pieces. It’s rather delicate, but if you play to that with honesty, it’ll be a strength.
Second, I’d suggest that you find redundant phrases or bits that don’t add to the story you want to tell.
Third, run this thing through Word’s grammar/spelling checker—you’ve got a few punctuation goofs and typos. You need to think about comma placement.
Fourth, the ending feels rushed. The woman is blind, yes, so why do we not get a glimpse of her heightened other senses. This story cries out for that kind of information, especially at the ending.
And lastly, I’d suggest that you cut your last line. “To her surprise he licked her fingers.” And that’s the pay-off. You don’t need to “as if to say, ‘We’re going to be alright.’” because we already know that.
I’m not suggesting to you that THIS is the way you should handle your own work, but to summarize what I’ve suggested, here’s a sample edit for your first two paragraphs. Everything in { } is my additon for smoother transition.
“Raven knew it was time for dinner. The whole camp was quiet with anticipation, and the smell of beef stew was so strong, she could almost chew it. It brought back fond memories. Every year, the camp had a new name, but it was {still the same place.} The same voices and smells, the same beef stew recipe, {the same woods.}
“She had attended the Lions summer camp for the blind and visually-impaired as a child. {Eight years.} It was here she had found what would become her life passion—sculpture. She had {work} in four local galleries and supported herself with commissions. {But when Suzanne, the camp program director, asked her to be art director this summer, Raven didn’t know what to say.}”
I sincerely wish you the best of luck with this story. I wish I could give you some more help, but I know you’re pressed for time.
Cheers,
Byron
Brandy_wine reviewed Version 3 -
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It was good but felt a bit rushed in the end. I liked the idea of the dog as her savior but it seems that so much happened ina short time instead of drawing upon a readers emotions with descriptive events and narritive circumstance. The framework is in place for great plot development of sound emotive story telling. I enjoyed the read.
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 3 -
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I think you could spend those extra 100 words on describing how Raven teaches art to blind students. It’s an interesting subject that you’ve introduced, but did not spend much time on.
I think there’s a few places you could change the descriptions to make them seem like more what a blind person would experience. For example, instead of saying that she fell down a cliff, just write that she fell; a blind person wouldn’t experience seeing the cliff edge and face fly by her. Also, rather than saying her hair got tangled in a low branch, just say it got tangled in some foliage. Raven wouldn’t necessarily know if it was a branch, or a bush, or whatever, she would just experience the leaves and twigs.
Your spelling and grammar are good, and your choice of subject for the story is a good one. I can’t judge whether this will win you three hundred bucks, because I haven’t seen any of the other entries.
Rebelsfire reviewed Version 3 -
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I think this is a good story. You seem to know what kind of depth is needed for this type of story, and you did well with it. I think that it’s quite good, especially becuase your type of writing didn’t need to overly stress the fact that Raven is blind.
One thing that I think you should consider is some of the necessity of your opening paragraph. It gets readers a little interested, but it isn’t strictly necessary. Other than that, I enjoyed this story and I hope to hear more from you.
matty_j reviewed Version 3 -
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overall, i thought this was a good piece. lighthearted, but not too simple. as far as winning $300, i’m not quite sure. the ending was a bit forced it seemed to me.
if you have room for some more words, i would use as much as possible. after she fell down the cliff it seems a bit wrapped up with the “everything’s going to be alright” line.
the story had good pacing and flow and definitely kept me interested throughout.
keep up the good work!
Abhayadeva reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a good story. You invoke the experience of Raven very well. The fear she feels as she enters the woods and her experience after the fall.
Good luck with the competiton.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 3 -
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Oohhhh you’re so close! The revisions have helped this story though. I’ll offer some last bits of advice.
herself with the commissions. / herself by giving sculpting workshops/classes at a hobby store to both children and adults.--I suggest this because galleries sell art, they don’t pay “commissions”. (Well, they do in a way, but I think you’re more referring to museums.) But also, the thought that she learned something at this camp and is now giving instructions to (paying) people who can see is a little more heart warming IMO. She took what she learned and made use of it--the same thing she will be trying to teach the kids at camp. If you still decide to go for the gallery angle, look it like this: She makes a sculpture, the gallery sells it, then she makes another for them. And so on.
The jump in conversation from ““Well you know…” to ““I’m just not sure…” Doesn’t come across as natural. It’s like Raven just changes the subject. Try to make a smoother transition between these two lines of dialogue.
”...blindfolded!””
(space)
It was the classic / This was a classic
Her sensitive ears / sensitive hearing
““Milo!” she called.” You can cut “she called.”
the forest at night”, / ...at night,”
”...the forest.”
(space)
A suggestion, “There was a push and a second later, Raven felt herself falling. Falling…”
“Good boy Milo.” / Good boy, Milo.
You might want to consider indenting each first line by 8 spaces.
I hope these suggestions have helped. In all honesty, I think you’ve got a good chance of winning the competition. I hope you do! $300 is nice, but more importantly, you’d get a shiny star to pin on your query letter when/if you start submitting more stories. Best of luck!
-Curt
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