Thanks, I will take a second look.
Poetry / As Seen on TV (Analysis)
I am the American Dream…
the portly bully with
enlarged pores
and fat sweaty knuckles.
Ready to pounce
on the meek and minority,
to steal
milk money
and drain other’s dreams.
I am the American Dream…
forever leather
and platinum blonde.
With parts that are real
expensive,
to entice the crippled man
with a silver spooned mouth
and gold rimmed teeth.
I am the American Dream…
having all I ever wanted:
televisions,
twelve packs,
conditioned air,
conditioned care,
on demand gratification.
Glutton of the mind.
I am the American Dream…
living day to day.
A mindless mass
of mediocrity.
With a collar forever blue,
and always getting tighter.
I am the American Dream…
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joelville reviewed Version 1 -
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What you’ve written is very clear, you’ve set up a landscape of what the American Dream has become. But it seems to me that you have only set up the backdrop to a more detailed poem. I would continue on writing this, making this the Intro, then adding a second or third part, where you pick one person or one story to magnify. It would give the readers someone to look at and think about and see how they handle being in this failed American Dream landscape. Good luck!
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firemaidenphoenix reviewed Version 1 -
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A very powerful and entertaining poem! The repetition of “I am the American Dream” is emphatic but not overdone, and I get chill bumps thinking how great this would be read aloud. Fine work!
neophytepoetess reviewed Version 1 -
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Well done! I especially like the line
With parts that are real
expensive,
I think a – after real or something to slow the reader down would be great for emphasis. Just a thought.
This poem says a lot. One of my favorite words is mediocrity and the collar forever blue is just perfect. Love it!
mymommaatelettuce reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this one… it’s powerful… strongly worded… and most of important. Words such as these must be said. you say them an explicable passion. Well Done.
ajanon reviewed Version 1 -
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I am impressed with your subject and its presentation. It is clear and not ambiguous. To the point with Poetry and there is no mysterious undertow here.
In the first stanza through it is tight and clear in presentation. For you to completely succeed you might re-read it and see if you can use fewer words and say the same things without losing any meaning.
Enjoyed the read.
cheyenne_marshall reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed it, but anti-american rants are kind of getting old now. It was well written except the lines “on demand gratification, Glutton of the mind”. I think that is the only place I you lost me, but only for a second. It was entertaining and all and all worth the read.
Static reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a very enjoyable read; short but sweet with a clear message to send. The poem allows us (even those of us who are Australian =P) to identify with the focaliser only to instantly feel shame for being able to identify with such a bleak representation of what we’re becoming/have become.
I think that all the piece really lacks is some degree of poetic structure: every line in every stanza and across the stanzas (stanza 1, line 2 is a different length to stanza 2, line 2 – for example) is a different length (in syllables) and as the piece doesnt contain any noticable rhyme or rhythm it relies solely on the repetition and imagery.
But, that being said, in the wake of the postmodern era, there are really no rules against that and, to be honest, it isnt terribly missed (though it might be nice to give the piece a slightly more poetic feel)
Other than that, excellent piece!
sehoner reviewed Version 1 -
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That was awesome.
Seriously, it has been a while since I have read something that was so right on or possessed an “in your face” truth about it.
Your clarity is excellent, The visuals are great as well. How many Laguna Hill shows do we have to watch before we all will eventually pull our brains out through our nostrils?
The American Dream is constant challenge, not constant….absorption.
“A mindless mass
of mediocrity.
With a collar forever blue,
and always getting tighter.”
Thats the power pack right there. I myself have never been fond of carrots.
Fresh_Fish reviewed Version 1 -
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This was devilishly funny; a great bit of satire. This could have gone on forever, picking apart each American stereotype. You could certainly expand on it. It’s a good read with the potential to be great. The line, “With a collar forever blue,and always getting tighter,” was poignant and a great metaphor. Keep it up.
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