Sci Fi & Fantasy / Untitled, chapter 1 (Analysis)
Strangers and Stories
The walk to West Wood always took about half an hour. Matt liked the trips to town with his father, it made him fell like he was going somewhere and doing something important and next year Matt would be trusted to do it by himself. Looking around the forest he noticed a little movement. Fixing his blue green eyes on the spot he lost it, flexing his arms on his bow and arrow he started to search the surrounding forest.
“What is it Mathias?” asked William, Matt’s father.
“Thought I saw some movement. Its gone now though.”
“Well keep an eye out for wolves.”
There have been many problems with wolves in recent days. They like to go after the flocks in the knight and sometimes have most recently been wandering into town, the odd thing is that when they arrive they don’t go after anything or one. They come sniff around a little and leave.
Spotting movement Mat drew his bow and aimed at the spot but nothing was there, puzzled Matt scratched his head when he saw it again out of the corner of his eye. Turning he found himself face to face with a creature that appeared to be very pale man except that instead of a face there was a single, black, emotionless eye. Frozen to the spot Matt dropped his bow to the ground.
“Matt?” said William turning around, “Matt!” and he lunged for the creature grabbing his quarter staff tighter. The creature flickered an arm that was as fast as lightning and knocked William off his feet sending him flying ten feet back to hit the ground unconscious.
Just as Matt felt there was no hope left, the creature burst into flames and let go of him. Whipping around the creature turned to face a man with dark tan skin, red hair, and a stare that Matt thought could kill on its own framed by a tattoo of a brilliant sun. Looking back at the creature Matt thought he saw the flames get absorbed into the creatures skin and it turned and fled.
The stranger walked forward and picked Matt off the ground, “Your lucky. Not many people outside the Spire can say they met a shadow stalker and lived, Mathias, is it?” Staring up at the man Matt couldn’t find any words. “Don’t worry the shock will go away in a few minuets. Now lets go take a look at your father.”
Matt nodded and followed the stranger over to his father. “He’ll be fine, he just needs a little rest is all” said a woman with the same red hair the man had but much softer eyes, Matt hadn’t noticed earlier. “Just a slight concussion is all.”
“What…happened?...MATT!” said William trying to sit up.
“You need to rest. Just take it easy and Perrin will help you onto the cart.” said the woman placing her hand on Williams chest “Matt’s fine, but you, you need to rest.”
“Up you go” said Perrin as he helped William to his feet and up to the seat of the cart.
“Perrin?” said William groggily, “What…are you doing…here?”
“That my friend is a story for young Mathias to hear, why don’t we get to the inn and we can talk about it at the inn over a pint.
William nodded and dropped his head to his chest and jerked it back up. “Careful William, I healed what I could but you still have a few bruised ribs.”
“Right. I’ll keep that in mind.”
Entering the town Matt and William got several friendly hello’s and good days from friends and neighbors. The inn was placed right in the center of the town on the main road. It was a short walk and when they got there young Billy was waiting to take the horse to the stable. Matt had always liked Billy, Nina’s younger brother. He was a good kid, always offering to help even if there was nothing he could do.
“Hey Matt, Nina’s real excited to see you today.” Said Billy taking the reins from Perrin. “She still remembers last time though.”
Matt gave a groan as he remembered his last visit and the bucket of water that happened to fall when she was passing by. He didn’t mean to hit her with it, he wanted to get Jeff, but she made him trip slamming the door like she did. “Great, thanks Billy”
“No problem, see you in the inn”
“Yep.” He gave a heavy sigh and pushed into the inn.
“Matt! Right on time as usual. How’d the bargaining go.” asked Nina spotting him locking her green eyes on him full of vengeance.
“We ran into a little trouble in the forest.”
“Wolves? They’ve been round causing trouble lately.” said Nina’s mother, the innkeeper after her father was killed over a simple matter of payment from a pushy visitor.
“No, it was some sort of creature. Perrin called it a Shadow Stalker.”
“Shadow Stalker? What kind of animal is that?”
“I don’t know, but it was strong, it bruised a few of Williams ribs and gave him a concussion. Luckily these…couple…found us and chased it away. It was all a little strange.”
“ Oh! You must mean Perrin and Monica! Their partners, arrived late last night. Said they were lookin for you.”
“Yeah they found us, just in time to.”
Just then Billy came in and said “Williams been hurt. He needs a bandage, bruised ribs.”
“Alright I’ll wrap him up, Nina please go and fetch the bandages from the chest.”
“O.K.” and she ran of toward their house in the back of the inn.
“Did this..Shadow Walker?..do this?”
“Shadow Stalker and yes. It almost got me to but Perrin and Monica got there just in time.”
Matt followed them to the back of the inn where William was being seated on a bench and given a shot of Gin to help ease the pain. Nina came back in holding a jar of ointment and some bandages.
“I did what I could but unfortunately I don’t have very high of a skill with healing.” said Monica sitting down next to him.
“Thanks for the help by the way.”
“It was nothing. Now when you finish with him here could you send William out to us? We have matters to discuss.”
“No problem Monica, might I inquire as if it pertains to what you told us this morning?”
“You may and yes it does.”
“Oh!” and she gave Matt a big smile. “Would you like me to send you out something?”
“Yes please, a pitcher of ale will do fine and make sure that William gets some food. He might just feel a little sore now but he’ll be ravenously hungry in a few minuets.”
“I’ll send some roasted mutton out with the ale.”
“Thank you, Matt if you will follow me please?”
Matt did as he was told silently trying to figure out what it was they needed to talk to him about, but all he could think of was that it had to do with the creature that attacked him and William. Monica led him to a table in the corner of the inn, directly across from the door.
“Sit Matt, now tell me have you ever felt that you wouldn’t be happy with the life you thought you would live?”
Startled by the statement Matt had to gather his thoughts but eventually said “A little.”
“Well there’s a reason for that. Would you like to hear it?”
“Yes please.”
“The reason is that you are destined for more then a simple farmers life. You, you are destined for the Spire.”
“The spire!? You mean that I can become a partner?”
“Thats right. As soon as William comes in and has a seat then we can talk a little more. First though we need to talk a little about what makes you a partner and how we came to be.
Matt nodded not knowing what to say.
“Good, the first wielder was a man called Arthur Vegamon. One of the greatest generals we have ever seen on this side of the Great Range. He lead the armies of the Balacon agreement against the shadow, winning more then losing.”
“Well everyone knows who Arthur Vegamon is.” said Matt
“Patience Mathias. Now about thirty years into the war Arthur began to notice that strange things were beginning to happen around him. Things that no one could explain. Fireballs appearing out of thin air to incinerate an enemy or group of enemies, or sudden eruptions in the earth to create a wall or just to destroy a group like a giant slingshot. Thinking to himself about these occurrences he searched his mind to find an answer. Do you know what he found?”
Matt shook his head no.
“He found a type of energy, a sort of mental heat. Trying to grab hold of it, it was absorbed into him and it pumped his muscles with energy. Soon he realized that it wasn’t just one power, but four, earth, wind, water, and fire. Making different combinations he found that he could do wonderful and amazing things. Along with these great things came some negative. A lot of people died due to him experimenting with this power before he went into seclusion for about 3 years. No one knew where he went or why but during this time the war had turned for the worst, without his brilliant leading ability the Balacon agreement faded and it became every country for itself.”
“Well what happened to the agreement?”
“A lot of the countries thought that Arthur had left them in their greatest time of need because he saw no hope of victory. Fearing this countries began to fold in on themselves and protect their own. Some tried to stop them but eventually all that was left were the borderlands and a few right below them trying to fight the war. Upon his return, Arthur introduced a girl that he had grown only a block away from. Apparently she could also grab hold of this power, but it was a different part of the power. They spent the three years in isolation together perfecting the use of this power. This girls name was Bridgette Vegamon, apparently they had gotten married in that time and had a child. The child they left with her mother to raise while they were away, trying to stop the war.”
“Child? I didn’t know they had a child.”
“Patience Matt, try to save questions till the end please.”
“Sorry.”
“Now, yes they had a child, a baby girl. To protect her it was never written down and the only ones who knew about her were their closest friends and of course the tower after its construction. Now seeing that the nations had split, Arthur saw a need to be in many places at once. This is when he and Bridgette set off to find more who could grab this power. It took about a year and a half but at the end of their search they had gathered a total of fifty partners. Teaching them all that they had learned sent each couple to a different city to try and convince them to come out of their walls and fight again. Unfortunately only about eleven of the original twenty that started in the Balacon agreement. What was able to be salvaged from the remnants of the fallen cities where placed in areas with low combat in order to try and preserve their culture. In the end though most still died in battle or due to sickness and grief.”
“After Arthur was able to convince the remaining cities to fight, they made one last march on the Savage Lands. Together the forces of good were able to get about 500,000 human soldiers and around 10,000 Ogier.”
“Ogier? Aren’t they just a myth though?”
“No they are one of the forces that helped to win the war.”
“One of the forces? So there were more then us and the Ogier?”
“Patience Matt. Yes there were, also fighting alongside humans and Ogiers were elves. Unfortunately the elvish race was dying off before the war started and were gone before Arthur was able to form the Balacon Agreement. Now so there weren’t very many of us compared to the forces of the shadow, Luckily for us we had Arthur and the companions leading the way. The battle took three weeks to complete and by the end both sides had suffered immense casualties, but we ended on top, chasing the shadow back into the Savage lands.”
Looking from side to side Matt noticed that William and Perrin had joined them, each with a cup of ale in their hands and a plate of mutton in front of William. “So what do you think?” asked Perrin
“About what?”
“How soon would you and Nina like to get to the Spire?”
“Oh! Well I don’t know, I would like at least a day or two in order to get together my things and say goodbye.”
“Leave your things, you will be provided things that you need, but you may have two days to say goodbyes and do anything that needs finishing.”
“Well Matt, looks like your becoming a man a little sooner then I thought. Just remember where you came from and what you are.” and William leaned over to give Matt a squeeze but flinched back at a sharp pain in his side.
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It’s not too bad. You need to proofread a little though. You need a few more comas in places and you have a few mispellings. Also, say “anything or anyone” not “anything or one” because the “any” and “thing” are connected.
The backstory isn’t entirely clear because of how Monica has to explain it all herself. You should have some explained to the reader by narration. It is also rather ubrupt change to his destiny. We get into town and meet everyone and hear about their relationship to each other and the BAM! he’s off to the Spire!
Hope that’s not too negative. It was actually rather decent. Just trying to help.
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Your beginning is good. You start right in the middle of the action and draw the reader in. This is a good start. There are few things I think that can improve this chapter.
“asked William, Julian’s father.” This is a little awkward, try just putting “asked Julian’s father.” You can work in his father’s name later.
“Frozen to the spot, the creature grabbed hold of Julian and his shirt began to singe and burn.” This is awkward and not clear. The way it is written it sounds like the creature is frozen to the spot. Is that what you meant?
“around, “Julian!” and he lunged” This would be more effective if you write it this way, “around. “Julian!” He lunged.
“The creature flickered an arm” Do you mean flicked? Flickered would indicate the arm is disappearing and reappearing.
“that instantly expanded and was as fast as lightning knocking William off his feet before he could take more then two steps, sending him flying ten feet back to hit the ground unconscious.” This is a little awkward. Try spliting into more than one sentence.
“Peering around the now solid creature Julian saw the tallest man he had ever seen with dark tan skin, red hair, and a stare that Julian thought could kill on its own framed by a tattoo of a brilliant sun around his left eye.” This is good stuff, but by cramming it all into one sentence makes it really hard to read.
“Looking back at the creature, it started to crumble and fell into a pile of rocks.” This sounds like whoever is looking back at the creature started to crumble.
“just thought” thinking
“Careful William, I healed what I could but you still have a few bruised ribs.” I’m not sure who is saying this.
“after her father was killed over a simple matter of payment from a pushy visitor about three years ago.” Work this information in at a later time. This is an information dump.
“Matt followed them” I’m confused now, who is Matt?
“statement Matt had” I thought she was talking to Julian
I’m sure you didn’t do it intentially you have many similarites with Robert Jordan’s
Wheel of Time series. You start with a young man and his father on their way to town, the one power, four, earth, wind, water, and fire, borderlands, Arthur, Perrin, Matt, a man and a woman traveling looking for a boy from a small town, Julian has a friend who likes to play practical jokes that he’s always getting in trouble with, Bridgette, the tower, Ogier, the shadow,to create a place were people like them could go and learn to control this power. All these things can be found in Jordan’s series. You’ll want to change them enough so no thinks you are copying Jordan.
This is a good ending. It makes the reader want to keep reading.
It’s not bad. a few things though. you might want to ease into the story a little more, but maybe start with something that will more catch the reader’s eye. a hook, if you will. honestly I was a little bored going into it, and all too quickly I was confused. try to explain things a little more as you go. besides that, I thought it was well written, and one could really imagine what was happening. keep going, and with a little elbow grease it could really be great. -Eve
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“They like to go after the flocks in the knight ”...should be “night”
William nodded and dropped his head to his chest and jerked it back up. “Careful William, I healed what I could but you still have a few bruised ribs.” <—Very confusing, who is saying it? William?
“He didn’t mean to hit her with it, he wanted to get Jeff, but she made him trip slamming the door like she did.” Another confusing line.
“Luckily these…couple…found us and chased…” These couple?
This story is hard to follow and didn’t really get me interested at the beginning.
You have a talent for telling a story and using dialog. What I think would help this work is a bit more background information and imagery. While I think you do a great job defining your characters in personality, I don’t “see” them or their environment. A great start; keep writing!
An interesting start. I have some suggestions to offer.
First, there isn’t a lot of description here. You describe Perrin and Monica’s appearance slightly, the red hair and sharp eyes, but other than that, there’s practically none. There wasn’t really an indication of what any of the other characters looked like, or even the locations. Descriptions don’t need to be elaborate, just a concise, informative sentence or two that gives your reader a sense of the physical world.
Second, I think you need a bit more of an introduction leading up to this. It seemed almost as though you started in the middle of something and kept going without the beginning. Consider adding a few scenes before this one, to establish a better sense of Matt’s life, so that the change he experiences by leaving with Perrin and Monica carries more weight with the reader. Then, you could also introduce Billy and Nina earlier, instead of having them just appear as Matt’s friends. Instead of having Monica relate the whole history in dialogue, why not reference it before, if it’s so famous? There could be stories told to all the young children about Arthur Vegamon, adding a sense of awe when Matt is invited to become like him. This helps add a bit of depth to the world you’re trying to create. Instead of saying that Matt accidentally spilled water all over Nina, why not describe the incident itself? This would also help to establish a better relationship between your characters and give your reader a better sense of their location instead of just starting at the turning point. You need to build up to it, or it doesn’t seem real.
Some of the characters’ actions and behaviors didn’t seem realistic to me as I read. For example, why does Matt call his father William instead of Father? I’m not saying that one is better than the other, I’m just saying that you need to verify why that is. Is he trying to be a man? Do all children call their parents by their names? You can think of any explanation you want; there just needs to be one. Another thing: how did Perrin and Monica know to find Matt specifically? It’s fine if you answer this later, leaving Matt to ponder it as the story progresses, but it does need an answer.
Just a quick note: In the paragraph starting with “There have been many problems with wolves in recent days,” the tense switches from past to present, and then back to past. Try and keep the tense constant to avoid confusion.
Another quick note: There are several places in your dialogue where there are no tags. I was often confused about who was speaking in these places. Just add a simple dialogue tag here so that the reader knows who says what. They don’t need to be extravagant, just a simple “Matt said” or “Monica said,” etc.
Last one! I noticed some problems with grammar and punctuation. There were a few run-ons, such as: “Matt liked the trips to town with his father, it made him fell like he was going somewhere and doing something important and next year Matt would be trusted to do it by himself.” Instead of the comma in the beginning of the sentence, a semicolon would be more appropriate. Everything following the word ‘and’ could (and probably should) be made into a separate sentence. Also, when Monica is explaining the history, you have paragraph breaks within her speech. This is fine, but the problem is that you have end quotes at the end of each paragraph, when you only need them at the end of the last paragraph. The end quotes let the reader know that a new person is speaking. You do need opening quotes at the beginning of each paragraph, however. That lets the reader know that someone is speaking. This isn’t a huge problem, but it’s always important to be as correct as you can. Just edit once or twice, or, even better, ask someone you know who has good knowledge of grammar and punctuation to edit it for you. Oftentimes when editing your own work, you tend to skip over mistakes. I know I do, at least…
Please try not to take all of this personally. You have an interesting concept here. It just needs a little work.
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