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Poetry / More
Count the score:
Still need more!
More cups of coffee-
Oh yes, with globs of sugar and cream-
I dream on clouds of cream!
More folded bills in my pocket-
Spending power on which I rocket
Higher and faster in a jet-pack powered frenzy!
More delicious food in my stomach-
I crave the way peppers burn and green mints taste!
I could clear three dinners in one sitting with nothing gone to waste.
More bling on my fingers-
Yes, another way for my pockets to jingle jangle:
Shimmering snakes of abundance hissing as they dangle.
More fashion on my shoulders-
Oh, and let me have some hip new starlet name-
Maybe “Megan Mahogany” would win more critical acclaim
Than just plain Jenny – my, but that’s plain.
On the floor,
Begging for more.
More tobacco smoke-
Hey buddy, that’s no joke!
You do not want to see me smokeless-
I’m ruthless! Jittery as a long legged spider and vicious-
Knock you toothless! Good grief!
Don’t mess with my box of Class A,
Imported, Special Blend Stress relief!
More gas for my car-
You know, I don’t go far.
Prices have moved in like an electric fence,
Keeping this restless little spaniel on her portion of dirt.
Here’s the whore
Howling for more.
You better believe I’ll sing for my supper.
You better believe I’m ready to bleach this collar-
Yeah, baby, that’s right, starched SNOW WHITE,
For peace, plenty, and power-
Screw slaving away by the hour-
I want assurance – with insurance-
Contracted out till Armageddon-
Not because that’d make me happy-
But I thought that’s what we’re shooting for, isn’t it?
More?
Open the door
To the cupboard,
Cause big Jenny Hubbard
Wants to pick a bone – clean-
With you!
I’m juggling a dozen different commitments-
Can you make an appointment?
You want more time?
Time’s mine!
Or at least, it was-
Before I signed
The dotted line and the deed away
For cash fast! fast! fast! at 7% interest
On the long term down, no repayment plan.
I’m afraid it’ll have to be today-
Though it wasn’t always that way.
I didn’t always bolt 90 up the highway-
I didn’t always need a strategic plan to find my way-
By the way,
You wouldn’t happen to have more of a direction to give me-
I’ve been going this way a long time and I can’t remember who sent me.
Have I been driving or have I just been driven,
Salivating, palpitating, masturbating some wet dream of success-
The kind defined by what you own, who you know, how you dress-
That pretty polished shit I see
On magazines and TV?
Is that hunger all there is to me?
Honestly, I’m not all that greedy.
But -man oh man,
In this broken promised land,
Why is it I always feel needy?
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Lin reviewed Version 1 -
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‘I crave the way peppers burn and green mints taste!’ That I understand but a lot of your poem doesn’t mean much to me. That you are hooked on cigarettes I also understand ‘More tobacco smoke – Hey buddy, that’s no joke’ – is a neat line. ‘Don’t mess with my box of Class A, Imported, Special Blend Stress relief!’ Also an interesting line. Well put, tho’ I know that tobacco doesn’t relieve stress at all.
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crimsonarchon reviewed Version 1 -
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A wonderful poem that does an excellent job of depicting a person caught up in mindless consumerism. I especially like the last 10 lines or so…the point at which it becomes clear that the subject is cognizant of his gluttony but unaware of how exactly it came about.
I gave this a 9 overall. Excellent idea and good phrasing throughout, but a bit halting in a few places. With a little smoothing out and streamlining this would definitely be a 10 in my book.
TabulaLife reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a slightly lengthy poem, but the length doesn’t hurt it. Some parts seem like they would be best converged into one line, “For peace, plenty, and power-
Screw slaving away by the hour-
I want assurance – with insurance- ” But otherwise this is a nice poem. Also, the first person perspective is a nice added touch.
lacreo reviewed Version 1 -
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I truly enjoyed this work. There is a maturity to your approach of the topic…which is not easy to do, and still maintain levity for the reader to enjoy the work.
softserve reviewed Version 1 -
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are long-legged spiders jittery? that’s about the only critique i have for this piece; that, and why the word “can” has its own line. other than that, i liked it. it kept my attention throughout the entire piece. it flowed very well, presented very well. it was entertaining, humorous, i could relate to it, it was clear. perhaps more of a spoken word piece.
samiam reviewed Version 1 -
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i love this!!! “Jittery as a long legged spider” and “another way for my pockets to jingle jangle: Shimmering snakes of abundance hissing as they dangle”. these are two of my favorite lines…you have a gift with words!
CharlesB reviewed Version 1 -
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Not very publishable due to it being one long poem, uninterrupted by spaces to create stansas. Which are important when it comes to seperating thoughts and ideas. (ususally I’m not one to harp on this, I hardly ever do it myself).
The on and off use of rhyme was not balanced which hindered the flow and the voice of the writer. However, some of the choices were pretty creative. Others were not (i.e. using the same word)
“You wouldn’t happen to have more of a direction to give me-
I’ve been going this way a long time and I can’t remember who sent me.”
But I love the word play on the following line… its very eloquent!
“Have I been driving or have I just been driven,”
Overall the publishability of this poem is down, but in general… I thought it was a wonderful poem with vivid emotions and excellent discriptions.
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