Poetry / Midnights Love

This is nice with a few little bumps.  Since you set up a rhyming verse and syllable pattern within the first verse you need to maintain it throughout unless specifically calling attention to a particular phrase or word.  With that in mind I woould revise as follows:

Whisper [to her], “with the dawn comes the light”  Eliminate bracketed words

I [could] feel content as the world unwinds…  Eliminate bracket word,  You have also set up the meaning with the line above

In general, you also do not need the ”....”. I assume you are indicating a breath, but the syllable pattern is already doing that fot you.

Nice soft release in the last two lines.

This is an excellent poem. I am stuck wondering if you personified midnight or if midnight is the name, nickname or alias of an actual human. I enjoyed the flow and traditional rhyme scheme. Simple and sweet.

a little too vague on who or what you are talking about, but otherwise it’s very good writing.

I’m brought back to a piece I had written once before when reading yours… a piece of prose.. not up here yet but in time will be…the title ‘A Dance with Midnight’ bit odd yours would remind me of my own..but I can easily see how.

For your piece.. I advise your revise it, look and think deeply on your punctuation.. and when and where capital letters are neccessary. A small hint ‘capital letters are met after periods.. not commas. Other than that I see nothing else wrong with it… and absolutely stunning piece!

The rhyme scheme of this poem needs some rework. The first stansa and the rest are not strucutred the same, and that interrupts the flow of the piece.

you have many good images and discriptions in this piece. I thought it was wonderful, other than my above comments.

For me, this is solid love poetry
Your poem connects to all people everywhere for, basically, most of us are similar
“In turn…your grief…” This describes one part of love

The flow of this piece is great, this piece doesn’t feel really deep to me but that  is just my take on it, it could mean much more to someone else.  Also I would think about changing this line—-

“Whisper to her, “with the dawn comes the light””

maybe more like this

Whisper to her, with dawn comes light

I do not understand why you need the quotations either??

Let me know if you have any questions

Good poem!!

  It has a strong start, but then it turns in to a love letter.

Very nice poem that kept uniformity with its rhymic stanzas. The title was Midnights Love or Midnight Love without the “S”. I see you love rhyme scheme and I think you did a very nice job with it. The contents message was there, and never strayed away from topic. Good write.

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May 01, 2008

by HeavyMetalMouth

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To get a good review from such a talented poet is reward indeed… Thank you ~

Paul

May 01, 2008

by DamondQuinn

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Thank you for the compliment but I am trying
hard to create just as all. So lets continue
to try and give our best.

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The third stanza pulls this together well, though I’m afraid I might be understanding a different sentiment than you’re implying.  Either way, whether we’re on the same page, it’s a wonderful work.  This is my first review on Urbis.  Hope I didn’t bomb it!