Poetry / The Institution (Analysis)

Overall, I liked this piece.  But at times I felt like I was listening to too many commands.  
  I like the overall feel and rhythm of the piece.  People giving advice to their young ones it seems.  For some reason, I really liked the first two stanzas of the poem more so than the rest.  Something just changed after the end fo the second stanza.  
  This reminded me of halfway between Dr. Seuss and Shakespeare!  I really liked it though.  maybe think of changing the last 3 stanzas around a bit.  Include some more vivid imagery.

I love the subject, but yes it could use a little work.  It is definitely easily understandable, but the rhythm breaks as your reading it making it lose some of its appeal.

I think the below lines are perfect ---

Closed buildings! Closed doors! Closed hearts and closed minds!
Our children cram figures, emotionless figments
Of the imaginations of others.
What gives? Where are their hearts?
Where are their rhythms? What became of their rhymes?

But the last line—

Ah, yes. The institution!

Could use some work.

I hope you work on the flow a little as it is definitely worth it.  Good luck and look forward to seeing what you do with it as it is a piece worthy of publishing if the flow is refined.

this was very well-written. under normal circumstances, i might suggest that writing formally such as you did is quite limiting and as form begins to take a front seat to content, so to speak, then you get a poem that is merely whimsical, at least in most cases.  but here, you’ve done a formalist poem, but each stanza is self-contained in its formality, which makes it a kind of free form formalist.  plus, the content is interesting, but simple enough to not necessarily need to be so wordy.  but, like I said, I enjoyed reading it, and found it well done.  rhyming, and meter are fun to mess with, but overall, they tend to put limitations on what you are trying to say.  or rather, make it more vague by making it more verbose to fit a format.  free form is really the way to go as far as poetry is concerned.

I thoroughly enjoyed that piece! The rhythm of it reminded me of poems from long ago. It is nice to see someone is willing to tackle poetry of this nature and so well thought out. You seem to be having so much fun with your word choices that we reading it in turn have fun as well. I took a second and read that you are under 18. Well I don’t know what your career choice will be but please consider being a poet. That was fun.

This is really good but I have to tell you there were akward moments within the piece. Little simple edits that should have been done but I do the same so that part didn’t take away from your write as much. Your first opening stanza was awesome. I really liked the way it made me feel, I felt like I was going to be caught between being an adult and remembering my childhood. Then the second,third, and fourth stanzas which are nice but alot of the wording seemed very forced. I didn’t know pigs could “flutter” even though flutter has duel meanings in that to 1. flap wings, or to behave in an aggitated manner. The fluttering strikes the mind first.

Things like “hurly-burly” nice but makes the reader go “what”.
“Mischievous chickens” are they kids? and if so who are the “kittens”

I loved the word “fetters” in that we should work hard to remove the chains of ignorance but I instantly thought of “slavery” for fetters are “shackles” for the feet.

“And teach them with whimsy to love all things flimsy” seemed to be a very verse. The whimsy can be taught “to be whimsy” but not “with whimsy” we also can be whimsical!

“love all things flimsy” I thought this statement went against everything you were writing about. We are to make the youth better but how can we do that by
teaching our children to love things “flimsy” for ” to love flimsy” is to love all things lacking physical strength or substance of inferior workmanship or as in a “flimsy excuse” and that is having little worth or plausibility! The word “flimsy” just seems to have negative connotations behind it.  

Very, very, viable it can survive outside your womb with a little more edits.
Thank you for sharing your words.  

I’m by no means a poet, so I can only critique based on my personal impressions. (Just had to clarify.)

I like the imagery of the nursery rhymes of our youth being lost and the desperate call to reclaim them. Right off the bat, your structure, meter, and language fit so well with that subject and remind me of childhood tales full of whimsical language.

That being said, there are some things that don’t work for me. The phrase “to learn silence” dropped in my lap at the end of the second verse was too much of a jolt away from the rest of the poem. If I understand correctly, that’s intentional. But the delivery, for me, was off. I would almost rather you use the style in verse 3 that is elsewhere in the poem. I don’t have any specific suggestions as my brain rarely (okay, never) works in the way you’ve written. But I think you can pull it off, to still convey the warning of abandonment without stealing away your wonderful style.

Even with the bits that didn’t work for me, this is high on my list of enjoyable poems read on the site. Hope those comments offer some help, and I hope to see more of your work. Good luck!

great poem. I began copying my favorite lines, then after nearly highlighting all of this poem I deduced that this entire stansa kicked ass!

“The pigs, how they flutter! Yet they leave such a clutter
That poor Mother Hubbard must shove in her cupboard
The tea kettles rattle as nightingales tattle
On mischievous chickens colluding with kittens
And our children wake early in the hurly-burly
To learn science”

The illiteration, rhyme, flow… shit, everything about this poem destroyed my world. You rock. thats all I can say. I found nothing wrong with this poem, what-so-ever. Every stansa was great, Your structure, voice, flow, rhythm were flawless.

You’re awesome.

This is kindof fun and serious all at the same time.   It’s very well written though sometimes seems forced.   Your point is here though and that what matters.   Good work.

There are some excellent rhymes here, and I like the overall idea that science and institution are sapping the whimsy and creativity of the young (well, thats the idea I took away from it). I would criticize you constructively, but I don’t see anything at all worth criticism. I just think it’s excellent.

I like this poem. You have something to say and you say it in an engaging way. I thought the poem got better toward the end, perhaps because the meaning became more clear. The last stanza was really good, brought it all together.

I didn’t understand the line
“That which we make is now gone when they wake”

I’m not sure you need the word “yet” in the first line of the second stanza.

No other crits.