I want to stop when my eye catches you
Why is this the one thing I cannot do
The emotion flies
I lay at home freezing in my bed sheets
I’ll kneel in my heart begging on my knees
After all my tries
(chorus)
my heart doesnt want to say goodbye
I search and find your eye’s rejection
I just wish I was the reflection
I look out to the black collapsing sky
while it’s warmer out there than inside
will you ever be mine
or out of my mind
I count another day another fail
another heartbreak and another kill
It’s a delusion
If I could rest in my portal to you
with no wake realizing what I went through
a heart’s illusion
(chorus)
My heart doesnt want to say goodbye
I search and find your eye’s rejection
I just wish I was the reflection
I look out to the black collapsing sky
While it’s warmer out there than it is inside
Will you ever mine
well now that I’m blind
(chorus cont.)
My lungs fail to breathe when in your presence
I await the nights when my room is warm
only to find tear glossed sheets on my chest
I dread the mornings when my heart is scorned
Will you ever be mine
or out of my mind
You deserve the best person in the world
My only wish is that it could be me
Will you ever be mine
well now that I’m blind
From my hidden watch in the blended crowd
to the emotions when no one’s around
I learned but one thing
From the Adonis in my eyes
Causing all the tears that I hide
Love’s murdering me
(Chorus)
My heart doesnt want to say goodbye
I search and find your eye’s rejection
I just wish I was the reflection
I look out to the black collapsing sky
While it’s warmer out there than it is inside
will you ever be mine
or out of my mind
my lungs fail to breathe when in your presence
I await the nights when my room is warm
only to find tear glossed sheets on my chest
I dread the mornings when my heart is scorned
will you ever depart
please just leave my heart
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hi there,
not out of my mind, but “am I out of my mind?..again, i think it makles a better poem than lyric, enter it in the poem category…but in general, nice job…keep writing…jim
i gave you an “8” for the work you put into this, but in all honesty, it maybe a poem but it’s to long for a lyric/song..try singing it and you will see.i like the ryhmes though and what you say about the rejection and will his love ever be mine which alot of people can relate too..i think you need to add a few words to the last line though,
These were some pretty good lyrics, I really enjoyed them. My favorite part of this would be “You deserve the best person in the world My only wish is that it could be me” i felt this part was raw and powerful. I only really had one problem with this and that would be that i couldn’t really feel the rhythm through the lyrics, which honestly isn’t a bad thing. Keep on writing!
hi there,
well first this is a good lyric,well written with alot of work put into it which can be appreciated..but in all honesty..it’s to much work, i think it’s to long for a 3 1/2 minute song.(i think you should sing it and trim away the fat, sorta speak..:)and though your lyric is all about your title, it’s not mention (the title) in the repeating chorus where it should be.(you want people to know what they like and wanna BUY!..you have a good foundation here, really, sory i talked so much!..:)..hope i helped, jim
Hello, after reading over these lyrics, I found them to be pretty good really. I gave you nines and a ten for clarity.
What stuck out wrong to me while I was reading your lyrics was this stanza: “You deserve the best person in the world”, & etc. I would take that one out, or improve upon it.
Altogether, very likable lyrics.
Best wishes to you.
hi there,
i like your lyric of a yearning love cause alot of people can relate to it..(LIKE ME!!!)...i like the title and what it says but it should be mention in the lyric so it has a name.actually i think..”WILL YOU EVER BE MINE?” would make a better title,how and where it is mentioned in your song..and throughout the song you ask that question/ just a suggestion..later,jim
well, i will not go too far into criticism, only because i found myself loving your “chorus” atleast i thought it was a chorus sort of part. I just have one suggestion, and that is that in your first stanza, you stick to the AA BB CC DD rhyme pattern. Other than that, try to find a little bit of a routine with your rhyme scheme. On the positive note, I enjoyed it. Was it based on the feeling of uncertainty, say that of a person who likes someone else, and has a hard time, letting go after the end to a relationship? If that’s the case, then it’s really good. —Keep up the good work. -Dannyboy
this is going to sound scattered so please forgive me
That first stanza really caught my eye, and you’ve never lost my interest. (It did waver for a little bit because the stanzas were too long. I think you can cut out some of the adjectives, but that might break the rhythm in some places). I think that some lines are too long, though, and need to be shorten so that the rhythm that I’m hearing can be more well-presented. However, I do think that this is well-written, and simple in its beauty. The lyrics are truly deep and poignant, and I’d love to hear piano and violin accompany this song. The imagery is also lovely. There’s a nice rhythm within the lines, and it is, for the lack of a better word, quite nice. It almost sounds like a lullaby; tragic, though, it may sound.
The last two lines to the last stanzas are interesting for you ask a question only to take back the question and replace it with a statement. I found that a change from the first few verses.
I really enjoyed reading this.
This is beautifully done. It is reminiscent of an 80s song, a power balled,...meatloaf could do it, lol.
For the readers sake, not for the songs, you might want to seperate the steps (paragraphs?...).
“I look out to the black raining sky” you may want to change raining to raging, stormy, viscous, savage…something like that…
“only to find tear glossed sheets on my chest” This may need a little tweaking, I had to reread it a few times.
“I look and see your eye’s rejection”
You may want to change “look and see” I grieve to see
I ache to see
Anyway, I love it, and would love to hear someone sing it. Your songs beautiful.
A pretty gloomy piece that reflects one heart’s yearning for another…
I liked it, although I have one suggestion… perhaps you might think about shortening the last verse.
Of course, this is only my two cents…
Au revoir,
Danny
(and if you’d like, you can take a look at a tune that I posted here… it’s titled “Averting Our Eyes”... it’s entirely your call. Do you have this set to music?)
the lines are good.
i especially like
will you ever be mine
or out of my mind
you could change the wording a bit, or maybe put another line in between the first two.
it’s really good.
keep it up.
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