I’m glad you liked it, thanks for the review. I’m sort of giddy that you caught on to that “did not seem right”..Ohhhh there is SO much more going on..Makes me want to submit the next 30 chapters just so you can see what!
:)
Novel Treatments / Title is currently under construction
Chapter One
The Chase
Elohir’s heart was pounding as he hurdled over a fallen tree.
He could still hear the booming voices of the men behind him. Fast on his heels. He could hear the thunder of horses hooves. The cacophony of the assembly behind him, broke through the woods, and echoed off the still silence of the trees. If he hadn’t known precisely where they were were he might have thought they were ahead of him, or even all around him. Their voices were everywhere, bellowing human voices roaring in his ears, clashing with the sounds of horse’s heaving for breath, their hooves pounding into the damp forest floor. Elohir’s superior hearing told him that the horses were tiring, but he had to give them credit, they had not given up the chase.. Elohir should have been afraid, but he wasn’t. He laughed outright to himself as he veered sharply to the right around a large oak. He would let them think all they wanted about his capture, but to no avail. There was not a horse in the land who was fast enough to catch him, and not a man in all the worlds who was clever enough to out think him in a chase.
Indeed this particular group of men seemed to be the most unworthy yet. It seemed that Captain Beaudrag was losing his touch. Twice Elohir had to slow down to give him opportunity to catch up. And several times he had to turn back, and stomp the dirt harder so the Captain’s men would have a good trail to follow. The chase wasn’t nearly so much fun when you could not come even close to getting caught. When the Captain had first caught Elohir’s eye, he thought that he had finally found a worthy foe. Someone who would be good for a lark. Admittedly the Captain seemed to be becoming more and more driven. It was his men who lacked conviction. They did not believe in his cause. If anything they all thought him to be quite mad. But the Captain had strong influence, and deep pockets. Two things that even the most doubtful of men was not likely to ignore.
Their heart was not in it though, they would get their money
regardless. So whatever outcome Captain Beaudrag received was not their concern. Oh well, perhaps next time the Captain would come alone.
Leaping into the air Elohir came crashing down amidst a thicket of thorny brambles. He paused for a moment to get his bearings, and wondered if his enemies would risk following him any further. He paused listening to the sounds of the forest around him. All was silent. The canopy of trees had him in shadow, and the only sounds that penetrated the cocoon of forest was the unmistakable sounds of the flora and fauna that were witnessing his game. He glanced over his shoulder. They couldn’t possibly have fallen that far behind already. He sighed and was prepared to back out and try another route when he heard them crash into the undergrowth behind him. Well, if they wanted it bad enough they would risk the thorny path, he thought with wicked glee, and he pressed on. And anyway, he was growing tired of the game. They weren’t as much fun to play with as he had hoped.
The brambles groped at him, pulled at his hair and clawed his skin. But he was undeterred, he crashed his way lightly through the rough thicket, and plunged down the hillside into the river.
He was safe.
The men would not cross the river. Since the dawn of the ages they had kept away. In truth there was no real danger in crossing the river into the realm of Elysaune. The tales of danger and retribution were all protective measures set up by the elders, but all the same it seemed to have worked. For no man had set foot across the river in all these years. Legends and wordless treaties kept them away. Even in their eagerness to capture their prey they would not violate an ageless oath.
Elohir was momentarily blinded by the icy water as it splashed up into his face and eyes in his haste. His feet slid over the rocky riverbed with little effort and soon he was well on the other side, and up the embankment. He slid to a halt once he was clear of the river, and nestled in a grove of bushes. His sides heaved, as the river water ran off him in courses. He crouched slightly behind the bushes, and smirked when he saw the men pull up their horses so violently that the beasts collided with one another, snorting and neighing out in protest. Flashes of their bodies swam together in the confusion. Beys and chestnuts. Dappled grays and even one that almost gave decency to the white that Elohir was so accustomed to. Pitiful slaves, Elohir thought with some disdain.
“Damn!” Beaudrag spat out, yanking hard on the reins of his mount in his frustration. The heavyset Captain who burdened his destrier with both a rough hand and his considerable weight; kicked his horse’s sides with conviction, but even the wide eyed white mare that Elohir almost admired, knew better and remained rooted to the ground.
“We’ll not go into the forest of Elysaune.” One of his hunting companions warned, holding up his hand to seize his commander’s reins.
Elohir let a whicker of laughter escape his throat, and delighted in it when he saw the men jump and glance around with wild, frightened eyes.
“Better luck next time, you swaggering oafs!” Elohir cried out, and jumping from the bushes, well within their sights. He let them see his defiant grin. His heart pounded with defiance, when he saw their disbelieving faces at the sight of him and the sound of his voice.
“I grow weary of your ineptness Beaudrag…You’ve taken all the sport out of winning!”
All around him the captain’s men were staring with a mixture of bewilderment and outright disbelief, at the sight of the white, horned, horse whose god-like voice was resonating in clear human tones across the ravine. The captain scowled, his yellow teeth bared in fierce determination:
“You’ll not be so lucky next time!” the fat Beaudrag called after him. Too furious to witness the proof of his own ears. “Never again will you taunt me with your capture. Next time you will be mine, Unicorn!”
But Elohir ignored the empty threat, his head in the air, tail flying like a banner behind him, he galloped away into the woods, safely away from them. His horn glowing with his thrill of triumph.
The sun was setting when Elohir made his way back to the glen of Imeseth. He crept into the quiet clearing, not in the hopes that his presence might go unnoticed, but more out of repsect for the sanctity of the glen itself. It was a treasured place of his people, and one did not go crashing into the realm of Imaseth like a runaway colt. He glanced around behind him before stepping through the veil of weeping willows, that bordered the glen, into his world.
No one knew of this place. Not even the other creatures with whom they shared the forest of Elysaune, could find Imaseth. Only the unicorns knew how to get there. It was the land set apart for the them where they could be safe, protected and undiscovered. It was an enchanted place. But it was secret…To anyone else it looked like a deserted meadow, with dead grasses, old withering pines, willows and elms and a muddy brook that ran down the middle of the clearing. Nothing spectacular, nothing even worth stopping to take a better look at. And, amazingly enough, no one ever did.
He stepped through the cool clinging vines of the willow trees, letting the watery branches slide over his flesh, and leaving the rest of the woods behind him. He glanced behind him again. No one would be able to follow him, but if someone did all they would find on the other side of the willow trees would be the deserted empty meadow. They would not see what Elohir saw when he stepped though:
The meadow was transformed before his very eyes. What was once a barren wasteland become a lush green valley, full of healthy robust trees, swaying in the morning breeze. The grasses that had appeared brown and dead, were now verdant and lush. From these grasses, Elohir saw more than twenty of his brothers and sisters grazing. He could see others sleeping under the now swaying pines that were green and healthy. Here it would never rain, never snow. Here it was always the first day of spring. The birds sang, and the breeze blew the scent of flowers in the air. There was no place like it anywhere. Here no evil could penetrate. The powers that the unicorns possessed were sheltered here, away from danger. It was a Glen of Imaseth, a hidden sanctuary untouched by the rest of the world. Set aside for Elohir and his race. Untouched by mortal woes, no sadness rooted here, no pain or strife. These things were as alien as death.
The rest of the world was cold, harsh. There were the mountains, where it was cold and snowy, and the wind always blew. Or the volcanic ranges that were always burning hot with fire and lava. Blackened hard rock, and danger. Or the deserts that were desolate, and barren. Nothing grew there, no one lived there except the desert people. Who endured the heat and famine to ensure their isolation. It was not all harsh death, however. There were gardens, and flowers. There were kingdoms boasting shining palaces of white marble and painted glass. With towers that scraped the very Heavens. There were the white sands of the coast, like sugar under your feet, and the warmth of the seas. But there was nowhere that compared to this Garden of Perfection, this Paradise of Peace.
As Elohir surveyed the world before him he spotted still more unicorns were playing in the crystal clear stream. There were probably a hundred of them, perhaps even less. Before he
could decide where to go, a chorus of young voices came to his ears as several in the herd spotted him, and came racing over to greet him. Bucking and rearing they crowded around him. Laughing and neighing, they called out his name.
“Where have you been?” Vardal reared up and pawed at Elohir chest
“We’ve been waiting for you!” Earus; equally animated, added.
“Have you now?” Elohir asked, grinning as he pressed his nose to each one in turn. Elohir sighed dramatically as he began to lead his admiring entourage back to the stream.
“Ah, it couldn’t be helped lads.. I’ve been out for a romp in the woods.” The chaos surrounding him stilled suddenly as the wide-eyed boys stared at him with barely concealed awe.
“Not over to the woods of Marahall?” Vardal said his mouth hanging open in disbelief.
Elohir’s whinnying laugh broke the stillness of the air and he tossed his mane. “Where else would I go? There’s nowhere in Elysaune to play. Or would you have me racing with dragons and centaurs?”
He bent his long neck, and took a long satisfying draught from the flowing water. Then he trotted in, and let the surprisingly warm water wash over him. The water of this stream
was so different from the river that separated Marahall from Elysaune. That water had been dirty, cold. This water was warm, and smelled fresh like newly fallen rain.
“Better than men, who would bind you and take you away.” sniffed Orien, stubby for a unicorn, he stood out amongst the others for his lack of height. Elohir regarded him with a dubious smile.
“It would take a great deal more of beast than a man to bind me, I assure you.”
“Aye, but that isn’t the only worry. You risk much by leaving the glen. You have been warned before..Do you not fear for your immortality?” This was Uniah a soft-spoken female who Elohir was often arguing with.
“To fear for my immortality would be to mock immortality itself.” Elohir replied smugly. “If the gods want me, than there will be little good I can do to keep from them. If one must live forever, one ought to enjoy it.”
And he walked away from her without a backwards glance. The others seemed to relax a little, his cockiness seeming to be all the reassurance they would ever need. So with the pack of them hanging on his every word Elohir set out to tell them of his latest adventure.
Chapter Two
Agaleth
Elohir slept late the next day.
Nestled under a particularly full willow tree, he was curled up and snoozing when Vardal nudged him. Large violet eyes met his own, as Vardal wordlessly urged him to waken. Yawning, Elohir shot his beloved companion an annoyed glance, before sitting upright.
“What do you want? Surely you’ve had your fill of stories?”
Vardal shook his head, his long full mane swaying like the grasses of the meadow. Elohir found all that hair, distracting and annoying. He had enchated his mane and tail to remain short, long ago. From a distance, with his hair shortened, and with his horn hidden, Elohir could easily be mistaken for a regular white horse. That apart from so many other things was probably why Elohir was always at odds with the elders. With
everyone.
“What is it then?” Elohir repeated, annoyed at Vardal’s silence.
“It’s Agaleth, he’s asking for you.” Vardal whispered reverently.
Agaleth was the oldest of all the Unicorns. The first one created, from the salty waters of the Valgren Sea. He had been around since the dawning of the ages. There had never been a time in all the eons of Urmalleah that Agaleth had not witnessed. Agaleth was also very wise. Creatures that were not unicorns were rumored to have sought out his guidance on more than one occasion. His wisdom and advanced age might have set him horribly at odds with the others, but Agaleth has always been determined to keep himself among his people. The old one’s wise counsel and gentle understanding were at the heart of everyone’s life.
Elohir started, his eyes widening, then annoyed at his reaction he frowned and tossed his head. He let Verdal wait in silence as he craned his neck, and uncurled his legs from beneath him. He took as much time as he secretly dared. His timid companion shuffled his feet nervously, his expression a
clear indication of his discomfort. No one liked it when Elohir was disrespectful, but when it concerned Agaleth, it was almost blasphemy.
“Very well.” he yawned, “Run along and tell him I’m on my way.” Vardal tipped his head sideways, dubious of Elohir’s nonchalant manner, but said nothing and trotted away.
Elohir clamored to his feet, and shook himself free of the Wedryra that had neslted in his mane and tail in the night. The brightly lit, multi-colored sprites flitted away, buzzing angrily at being deprived of their warm bed and disappeared into the trees. He stared after the sprites for a moment allowing himself an agitated expression. But it was not entirely his pesky bedfellows that had him so bothered.
If Agaleth was asking for him, then it probably meant he was displeased. That was not much of a stretch for Elohir to believe. He could not remember a time in many years when he had not been in trouble. In Imaseth there was a defined order. The first and oldest of the race was Agaleth. From him down it was a toss up as to who deserved the highest rank. Once the gods had established Agaleth the numbers of unicorns increased all most tenfold overnight. Herds of them born out of the water, and walking out on all four legs, shining horns and all. It was a staggering number that would never increase, as unicorns could
not procreate, and never decrease since unicorns were immortal.
If Agaelth was king, then Elohir was the prince. Maybe not in the actual sense, but there had always been a special place reserved for him in Imaseth. There was an unspoken favoritism directed only at him. In this sense he might have been Agaleth’s favorite. Except lately he might have been more likely to be hailed as the prodigal son. For Elhoir possessed a sort of free-willed spirit that none of his kindred could understand. The ungovernable deSure to push boundaries, and test the limitations he had been given. Elohir’s spirit was undefined, he was unlike any other immortal ever created.
Unicorns had a limited amount of magic. It was bound mostly to invisibility, and kinetics. But Elohir possessed the ability to read minds, something that only Agaleth had ever boasted. Elohir also had the power to heal. Sick animals, dead trees. Anything he liked. This made him a bit of a celebrity amongst his brothers and sisters. His power was respected, his free-will admired, and his dangerous risk-taking, feared. There was grave danger in leaving Imasaeth, mortal danger. But Elohir was almost constantly out of the garden, seeking out sport. Risking discovery, not only of himself but of his kindred. It was this last reason, he suspected that Agaleth was seeking him out today. It was time again for another lecture on the dangers of wandering out in the unprotected forests.
Elohir stared out to the garden beyond. The white bodies of his brethren littered the verdant, lush flower beds. Swaying through the grasses like plumes of fog, they made no sound. It was like watching clouds descended from the sky, floating among the flowers. They made no sounds, not the nickers of whinnies of mortal horses. Instead they spoke in a silent language: A wordless, spiritual communication, that only they could hear.
“Ah,” the wispy, aged voice of Agaleth came to Elohir’s ears causing him to start in alarm. “I think the finest part of the day is the morning. A rebirth of each day. The promise of a new start waiting just beyond.” Elohir turned slowly and regarded the old one at his side. The tallest and broadest of their kind, Agaleth could never have gone unnoticed in any woods. With a mane and tail that had grown to such proportions that most of his body was covered with it, and a beard that trailed the ground like a fountain of white splendor that
spilled from his lips. His coat was the purest white, it was nearly translucent. No other unicorn had achieved that color. Even Elohir, the second born, had found flaws in his own coat.
Agaleth slid a sideways glance to Elohir who smiled softly, and they touched horns in greeting. “I was on my way to see you Lord Agaleth.” Elohir said, making sure to use a respectful address just in case in was in very great trouble. Agaleth fixed his crystal eyes on Elohir and a small smile twitched his lips:
“So you think you are in trouble, my brother?”
Elohir’s ears drooped a little, for years he had been training his mind, against Ea’gryn; the intravoice that only the very gifted possessed that allowed them to read another being’s thoughts…Two very gifted masters of the Ea’gryn could even speak to another without opening their mouths. Elohir knew himself to be a master..He had been reading the thoughts of others as long as he could remember, but even he could not compare with Agaleth’s mastery of the power. To Elhoir, it seemed he was forever trying to keep his mind closed from Agaleth’s seemingly easy infiltration. The old stallion didn’t usually go around poking in other’s thoughts, but he had always been quick to use his ability on Elohir who had always been a bit of rascal, and prone to lying when it kept him out of trouble.
“I..er..” he stuttered, angry suddenly at being flummoxed.
Agaleth chuckled a little and shook his head, his long billowing mane swaying hypnotically. He took his time, never rushing. Agaleth did not conform to time, everything was according to his own schedule.
“I suppose our talks have always been rather singular.” he
mused. “But it is certainly not I who goes looking for trouble.”
Elohir felt uneasy under Agaleth’s surveying glance, although it was a kind one. Then the elder fixed his gaze on the meadow.
“Will you walk with me?” It was really more of a command
than a question, for Elohir would never have said no, and taking the old one’s lead they made their way along the path toward the trees.
The morning felt unusual, in a way that Elohir could not quite define. The air almost seemed cool, nearly biting. If he closed his eyes he could almost imagine that he was in the mortal woods. It was unnerving. He had never known Imaseth to be anything but perfect. Comfortable and beautiful. He shivered a little, but Agaleth seemed not to notice. When they were well out of earshot Agaleth slowed his surprisingly brisk pace for his age, and glanced again at Elohir.
“Word has come that you were again spotted, and pursued in the woods of Marahall.” Agaleth’s expression was stern. Elohir said nothing. He could not deny he had been in the woods. Even if he had not come back telling tales of the chase to the
others, he knew that there were plenty other creatures that would have spotted him, and would not have hesitated to report him to a higher power. Besides he wasn’t exactly ashamed of what he had done. He shrugged, swishing his tail nonchalantly, pretending to swap away a Wedryra. Agaleth spoke again.
“I understand that you have a wildness in your heart, that is beyond the rest of us. But surely you must understand the
dangers you bring to yourself..The dangers you bring to us all.”
“I would never allow someone to catch me..” Elohir replied, sounding more insolent than he intended.
Agaleth sighed deeply, but said nothing. At their feet a family of squirrels paraded past, on their way to seek out a morsel of breakfast. Elohir waited with as much patience as he could muster. Then after a few very terse moments Agaleth went on:
“You know the ways of our world. The balance between the mortal and immortal creatures of the earth, is always in constant turmoil. The mortal creatures continue to populate, and spread out in the lands. While we remain, ever watchful and unchanging. We do not interfere into their world, and they do not intrude into ours. These rules are very defined, Elohir. You, among all our magical brethren should know this and yet, you will not conform.”
Agaleth paused for a moment and seemed to be regarding
him very carefully. Elohir shifted is weight and tried to seem undeterred by the gaze. Birds chirped overhead, announcing their presence in a casual manner so as not to appear to be eavesdropping. Elohir glanced up at them, irritated. He knew better. Agaleth ignored the flock in the branches, and shook his head slightly. “Your recklessness will not bring you the happiness you seek. In fact I fear it will bring you only misery.”
“What do you mean? Misery?” Elohir said, feeling worried now at Agaleth’s strange mood. A flash of what almost looked like anger came over Agaleth’s face, which was quickly replaced by an expression closer to despair.
“This will be your last day in Imaseth.” he said soberly.
Elohir felt his insides drop out, emotions he could not even identify, feelings he had never experienced before flooded over him at once.
“What?! Why?!”
Overhead the birds squawked and fluttered at the sudden unexpected outburst. A few of them flew away, chirping their resentment at Elohir’s rude disruption of the peaceful morning.
“Your disregard for the oaths of our kind have been tolerated for the last time. The Mystic Order is on it’s way
this very day to hold council here in the Glen.”
“Council for what?” Elohir was forcing himself to remain calm.
“A tribunal.” Agaleth explained, his voice seeming to lose some of it’s normal ethereal quality, until it was almost a rasp. “I fear they are going to have you banished.”
“Banished?” Elohir was barely able to say the word. It
seemed the very act of speaking it, filled his mouth with filth, until he was gagging “That’s not possible.”
“I’m afraid it is my brother.” Agaelth said, his voice choked with sadness. “You have..been too careless, for too long.”
Elohir couldn’t believe the proof of his own ears. Agaleth had to be lying, that had to be the explanation! This was a joke, an empty threat to teach him a lesson. It was hard to imagine that Agaleth would stoop to such base treachery, but the alternative: The real possibility of being banished from his home..from his very existence? It was unthinkable!
“You can’t let this happen!” Elohir blurted out, causing the remaining birds who had stayed behind to gawk, to take to the air with noisy indignation. “You are the oldest and most powerful of the entire council! Surely you can overrule this ridiculous…”
“I helped establish the order for this very reason.”
Agaleth said, a tone of bitterness creeping in to his words. “To keep the immortal races from showing favor to their own kind. Others have been punished for wrong-doings..” Now the bitterness showed plainly on Agaleth’s face, and Elohir found himself almost horrified to see it. Agaleth who had always been so calm and demure, now wore a hateful, and ugly look. “You can
be treated no differently.” he whispered, “I cannot beg mercy on your behalf.”
Elohir was speechless. What had happened? Had he really done something so terrible to wreak this kind of punishment? To have Agaleth turning his back on him and throwing him to the mercy of the council, to allow this banishment? It was impossible to even fathom it.
“I suggest you take the time you have to spend it with the others.” Agaleth said, the bitterness of his voice, replaced now with a sort of resentful sadness. “The council will assemble at dusk. I will come for you before sunset and be your escort before the Order.”
Agaleth touched horns with him again, although Elohir was somewhat loathe to embrace the gesture. He no longer knew how to feel toward his beloved brother. Agaleth was turning his back on him. He was going to allow the trial to take place.
How could Elohir feel anything for him again? He allowed their horns to touch, but he did not allow any emotion in it. It was akin to a hard, unfeeling handshake.
Agaleth seemed momentarily taken aback by Elohir’s coldness, but he did not mention it. Instead he held the embrace a little longer: “Try to be at ease.” he whispered. “We have seen much, you and I. You have been by my side almost since the beginning. We have known much, my brother. We have shared much. I know that you have kept nothing from me. Your feelings are as open to me as my own thoughts.”
Elohir said nothing, something about Agaleth did not seem right. He could always sense his brother’s mood, but today Agaleth seemed closed off. Then Agaleth walked away leaving Elohir to look after him with a mixture of anger and fear.
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ethanchrist reviewed Version 2 -
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Your story was beautifully written, very detailed, very vivid, and very realistic. I could completely see this being a fantasy novel in a book store. The only problem I had is that, particularly when you’re describing Imaseth, you sometimes use details over and over again to describe the area. Like you say the area was nicer than surrounding areas, and that it was comfortable than everywhere else, and that it had been separated off from everywhere else, and that it had been separated off from other feelings. It’s just too much. I get the idea that it’s supposed to be this sacred place for the unicorns. Other than that I thought the rest of the story was great and I could totally see it getting published.
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Autumn_Sims reviewed Version 2 -
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Very well done, I like the you don’t immediately tell us that his is an unicorn. Along with the moral undertone, of no matter what you must watch your P’s and Q’s. The ending it quiet a cliffhanger. Even though Elohir had been warned, and Agaleth had set-up the Order so no favoritism would impose. Elohir states is brother ” did not seem right” Which makes me wonder if something has happened and that Agaleth is not just protecting himself from the pain.
Mikkosgirl reviewed Version 2 -
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This is interesting. It took me a few pages to get into it, but then I was hooked. You do such a good job describing the emotions during the chase, its refreshing. Its nice to read a story about unicorns that isn’t all fairys and princesses. There’s a few spots that you might want to reread over for grammar and fluency, but it’s good overall.
Iwrite reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m finding it hard to find anything wrong with this chapter. It was entertaining and set up the world very nicely with out forcing things. You introduced the details of the world without making it feel like an information dump. Nice surprise when I found out that Elohir’s a unicorn.
A couple of minor things. Some of the sentence fragments made things confusing. I’m not saying that you can’t use sentence fragments when telling your story, but I think, a few of them didn’t work and disrupted the flow of the story.
This sentence doesn’t seem like it belongs. (Pitiful slaves, Pheric thought with some disdain.) My assumption is that Pheric is suppose to be Elohir instead.
Overall very well done. It kind of brings back memories of the book/movie, The Last Unicorn.
Keep writing and keep posting.
brohne reviewed Version 1 -
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A very enjoyable read! I must admit I was pleasantly surprised to find the Elohir was a unicorn.
There were a couple of issues:
‘His sides heaved, as the river water ran off him in courses.’ the ‘in courses’ part had me pausing to see if I had read it correctly, might benefit from rephrasing.
‘Pheric’ is only mentioned this one time I was wondering who you were referring to.
‘was secret…’ A single period would work better. :)
‘when he stepped though:’ Normally a colon is used before a list, a period might work better here.
‘pawed at Elohir chest’ needs ’s and a period.
Overall I really liked this. Elohir is a fun character and you’ve done a great job characterizing him.
June 29, 2006
Deleted User
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Definitely want more. This is a very good chapter.
Evilpsychokitty reviewed Version 1 -
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This story is much different from my unicorn piece, but no less well written. I do think the opening discription is a bit vague. You hold off him being a unicorn well. But the hunt seems a bit on the off side.
Also this paragraph seems off to me.
“As Elohir surveyed the world before him he spotted still more unicorns were playing in the crystal clear stream. There were probably a hundred of them, perhaps even less. Before he could decide where to go, a chours of young voices came to his ears as several in the herd spotted him, and came racing over to greet him. Bucking and rearing they crowded around him. Laughing and neighing, they called out his name.”
The rest of this story is very well thought out and I like it a lot. So much so that I think I am gonna go read the other sections now.
Great Job
LeahD reviewed Version 1 -
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Of all your work that I’ve looked through, this seems the most thoroughly conceived, and the best executed.
Getting to the action right away is always a good bet, and I was really intriqued with this arrogant character, Elohir.
You go over the top a little with your choice of words and the way you pile ‘em up. It creates atmosphere, to a point, but it just gets a little thick. Also,be very careful to use the right word in the right place -- for example, a horde is a very large number, usually a rather chaotic one -- a crowd, a throng—is this a horde or a party of hunters?
I think you withheld the info about Elohir being a unicorn to just the right point. I’m very interested now in this unicorn culture, and their relationship with the human hunters.
I’ll keep following it.
PurpleSun reviewed Version 1 -
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I am defintiely a sucker for fantasy, and you did not disappoint me! I believe that this could be the beginning of a series, you could create a whole world. Though you may want to be a bit clearer in what Elohir is. I thought him to be human until the very end of the piece. Perhaps this was on purpose? Until you talked about him tossing his mane, I did not fully figure out that he is a unicorn. Who are the men chasing him? OR is this apparent later on in the piece? I am impressed, you are a very professional fantasy writer. I would love to read more.
June 07, 2006
Deleted User
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The initial descriptions of the chase were a little too much. The vocabulary you used to describe it was good, but it just seemed to me to be more than was necessary to paint the scene.
Also, I was surprised when Elohir laughed to himself when in the middle of the pursuit. As I read it, the scene leading up to this point had painted the picture of a person who was fearfully, frantically running for his life.
Finding out that Elohir was a unicorn, and not a man was a nice surprise, and made me want to keep reading just to see what you’d do with the story.
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