Poetry / An Adventure in a Bottle

A more than adequate account of a night in the life of a binge drinker. Tomorrow night the same again. So much fun but it drains the pocket & overloads the bladder & the nostrils. Write a poem for every night of the year & you’ll have a saga.

i can relate to this because i am a bartender and see this every night.. it is easy to visualize what the writer is saying but i am not so sure i would call this poetry..

Sounds like a typical night out for a blossoming alcoholic, or a college student.  Tell some more bar stories, what happened when you went out besides seeing the girl and the forgotten math equation?  Oh yeah, and if you’re going out, try Chasers to avoid the hangover.  Good luck.  

Interesting. You used “abilities” to end a line twice in the same stanza. If I may…

This bar had a dance floor,
There was a pretty girl sitting next to me.
I was drunk and stupid.
I’m white and know my abilities.
I wasn’t drunk enough to make a fool of myself.
So down the hatch went another shot.
To celebrate my reasoning skills.
Or lack thereof.

The last line is optional, depending on whether or not you want the speaker to relish in his delusions of grandeur.

Fine effort, though. With a little work, I would say it could be published.

Pretty good storytelling in this piece…and I thought it was a bit humorous…
There were some parts that were ‘wow’ worthy--trying to snatch the profanity out of the air…and others that were…well, not. Don’t force it so much--and perhaps a thesaurus is in order…

Ah—don’t you love how life works out?
I love this piece—it’s perfect.

Something profane slipped past my lips.
Drunkenly I tried to snatch it out of the air,
This failure meant we left a little early.

Loved this.. so Pratchett.

There were entertaining parts to this story, for sure as hell it’s definitely something we can all relate to. I was entertained. But I thought you might want to work on your rhyme and meter- this could be a great pub poem, if you could make it flow a little better.

It’s a fun piece. Very indicative of our Aussir drinking culture (and funnily enough my own alcoholism).

It’s entertaining. I like it. The second poem I’ve read today that does away with fancy language and word play, and just tells it like it is (or was, in this case). Content over style wins again. Thank you ~

Paul

A rather amusing look at alcohol abuse. It could use some editing.

Strong narrative.  Clear, to the point.  Sounds very honest, sort of Hemingway-eque in its short sentences.

“I was too drunk to remember his answer.” sounds true, and yet doesn’t have the same wit as “To celebrate my reasoning abilities.”

For revision, I’d work on that, and the fourth stanza, which is a little flat compared to the rest.  Particularly the last line, which leaves the immediate narrative for commentary.

This could also work well as flash fiction.