Poetry / First Amongst Equals

I’m sorry to say that this particular poem has a very forced feeling to it. The use of simpler words would have made it flow more easily. To me, the phrase ‘symbiotic synergy’ particularly is complete overkill. The two words really don’t fit well, and after the statement that the wife (who) filled his every need, it really isn’t such a symbiotic relationship after all in the truest sense of the word…or, if it is, then the word synergy isn’t really applicable.  I think if the author tried to be less informal (meaning don’t try so hard to rhyme) the poem would write itself more easily.

• add/view comments (1)

April 29, 2008

by Keith

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
32	41.7% (12 votes)	71.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
56	M	Hollywood, FL	September 22

Thank you my friend.   I must say, that I write in my own ‘voice’ and use the lexicon that is within my easy reach.   That this man lives in synergy with his wife in a symbiotic relationship ought to fairly apparent viewed in the context the piece proposes.   He would seem apparent that his wife must also have a need or two that he supplies.   Such is life.  Such is love.   Such is synergy.

But, one must seek the purchase available to his grasp.   One tries much less hard than another might suppose.  

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

A gentle and smoothly flowing love poem is what this is.  No problems in grammar or spelling that I could see.  It portrays the kind of man every woman would like to have lighting the dark corners of life, and too seldom gets. It has nice rhyming and rhythm.  

• add/view comments (1)

April 27, 2008

by Keith

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
32	41.7% (12 votes)	71.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
56	M	Hollywood, FL	September 22

Thank you Blue—  you’ll always be a star to me!

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I’m usually not fond of rhyming meters, but this one successfully makes the rhyme secondary to the flow of the piece. Wonderfully crafted in that.

Fix your title. Amongst is not appropriate. It should simply be “Among”. Amongst is far too archaic for the tone of this piece.

Otherwise, a great memorial piece.

• add/view comments (1)

April 26, 2008

by Keith

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
32	41.7% (12 votes)	71.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
56	M	Hollywood, FL	September 22

Perhaps the author wishes to convey the idea of some fine old archaic thing of value.   Some of us have acquired a particular patina that though archaic, is a testament to perseverance.    Thanks dog

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

This poem has some really good aspects, but the rhythm is a little awkward when read out loud. There always seems to be too many syllables in the second lines of each stanza which make it hard to connect the rhymes.

I really enjoyed the stanza about the wife. “Symbiotic energy” is a good description. There is a lot of good vocabulary use in this piece.

• add/view comments (1)

April 26, 2008

by Keith

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
32	41.7% (12 votes)	71.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
56	M	Hollywood, FL	September 22

Thanks—  an audio version is available at www.thepoetstree.com

The rhythms of my well worn vocabulary seemed easy enough for me to vocalize.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.