Poetry / sope creek mill (Analysis)

I love your style of writing. Very unique. I like how your last little paragraph ended the entire piece. I’d like to read more from you.

I liked the imagery and the way your broke this up.  To me, it seems to lack some really hard-hitting, stunning imagery…perhaps  you could strengthen the analogy this way?   Very nice, however.  Keep it up.

very good, albeit, short piece of old-fashioned romantic poetry.  the imagery of sediment (nature) winding up trapped in an hourglass, a great symbolic poem for a person’s own feelings of claustraphobia, or even emotionally “trapped”.  a very good little piece.  full of sentiment and rich diction.

I like it. It’s simple yet powerful. I like the use of language and the way the stanzas flow.

You have some nice lines in this, but I can’t seem to make sense of it all. It is probably just me. I am struggling a little with the cadence of the piece as well, probably because there is a comma at the end of the first line in every stanza except the first.

Overall, just a confusing conglomerate of beautiful phrases.

Sorry I could not get your metaphor. I am not sure if you are talking about time, or people in your life who have gone, or what. Maybe you could add another stanza or two to help the mentally incompetent such as myself?

My first note is just on punctuation—you don’t need the commas at the end of the line; simply punctuate the way you would if you didn’t have the line breaks (“Pieces of churning particulate dance in the waters at my feet” as opposed to “Pieces, of churning particulate, dance, in the waters at my feet”)
As for the poem as a whole…I get that it’s about sand, and I love the idea of referencing an hourglass to tell us it’s sand, but I’m not entirely sure why you’re talking to us about sand. If there’s a particular story behind the “stories of what have lost in the sediment,” you may want to include it somehow, because as it is it sounds like a vague statement that’s only pretending to be meaningful. I spend a lot of time at beaches in the sand, and I wouldn’t say I’ve lost any stories in it. However, the physical reminders of the stories/memories do get washed away—footprints and sand sculptures and so on do disappear. (Is that what you were getting at?)
Overall, I think this is a good start, and I wish you the best of luck with all your literary endeavors :)

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May 26, 2008

by 420BC

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
50	88.9% (9 votes)	24.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	M	Marietta, GA	April 09

Not quite about the beach.  As the title “sope creek mill” would indicate the poems about rocks in a creek that used to make up a mill.  The pieces of sand that wash from the faces of the rocks represent all the stories they have accumulated disintegrating and jumbling up over time.

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Its peaceful yet powerfully haunting. There is a mystery behind these lines that causes one to imagine time itself eroding away into a shallow sea.

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May 23, 2008

by 420BC

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
50	88.9% (9 votes)	24.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	M	Marietta, GA	April 09

thank you for reading, you seem to have got the feel for what I was going for.

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These lines captured my attention:
in the sediment. Pieces,

of churning particulate,
dance,
in the waters at my feet.

I would like to see more of this unique imagery at the beginning of the poem.  Also, I think there is more lurking beneath this poem that must rise to the surface in another stanza or two.  What are these precious grains leaking through the hourglass, whose stony somber faces are these?

I would like to see more here.  Keep up the great work.