Thanks Narcissa,
I’ll take a hard look at it to sse if I can release its inherent smoothness.
Poetry / Pebbles in the Stream
Water works its wonders
running the courses
of downward rushing streams
Small stones imagine themselves boulders
immobile against the rushing onslaught;
resistant to the forces that must, and will change them
We too, stand against the winds of change—
Proud
Defiant
And foolish
The tides rise indifferent to us;
The winds blow, until our last breath is forgotten; and the winds of change blow on; alone
Every small stone imagines itself powerful,
but the water wears it’s turbulent edge supple-smooth until it understands—finally—
that it is but a part of something larger
Even as we are
Soon enough—we exhale ourselves into a larger eternity; worn smooth by by-gone elements
that slough away the disguise of our craggy skin
And the tide rises,
the winds blow,
and off we sail;
—Away
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KindredSpirit reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice content, a metaphor of our human resistance and ultimate acceptance of change. Title matches well. Structure and punctuation are confusing and get in the way of the poem’s flow. Just needs a bit of cleaning up and you have a really nice poem.
In 5th stanza why is there semi-colon after ‘forgotten’ and ‘on’? I suggest separating that long line to make a 3rd line beginning with ‘and the winds…’. Same in 8th stanza, delete semi-colon after ‘eternity’ and make stanza into 3 lines of which 2nd line begins ‘worn smooth… ’.
S6, ‘its’ not ‘it’s’. 2nd line too long. Can you condense? To me ‘turbulent’ describes an active state of something rather than the surface of a rock. Something along the lines of water smoothing biting edges into soft acceptance (not those words exactly but hope you understand).
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Narcissa reviewed Version 1 -
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“Every small stone imagines itself powerful” Show it thinking itself powerful. Perhaps mentioning its coarseness and calling it a rock instead. As commonly a reader will think of something rough when it’s a rock, and smoothe once the river has polished it.
Though the imagry paralleling the rock’s change to the change of a person over time is wonderful, doing a good job of conveying the poem’s meaning.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the poem but not the structure. I don’t think you need to call attention to the power of the individual words or concepts, they stand on their own, and the structure tends to make the poem self important which is antecedent to what I believe you are saying. Nice metaphor, though. I also think you could Strunk the last verse and line. The point is well made and the payoff is there at “craggy skin”.
Astartiel reviewed Version 1 -
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What a magical poem. I’m not really a critic or any kind of poetry expert, although I do write poetry too sometimes, but I did like this poem and the picture it painted. I felt at one and eternal with the wind… Thanks for posting this for us to read…
streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked this… a lot… almost zen-like… well written… thanks!
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