Thanks for the critique you make good points.
Poetry / In Favor Of Flashier Garish Fare
Treasures unsought, bounties unasked
Innumerable pearls left to the clams,
Subtle brilliance left inside dull shells remain unnoticed
and the world will overlook such polish
In favor of flashier garish fare.
Fast food fun and shrieking shouts
Outshine a radiant benevolence under an ashen aura
Humming under its breath
A melody to exquisite and pure to be lauded
By the already impatient audience
Waiting to rhythmically beat tedious hands
Of grey lines masked in a silver streaked sky
Eclipsed by the disparity of a black sun
That hides a once orange hazed horizon
Which saturates their religious beliefs
With the teasing moisture of morning dew imprisoned
In the dense fog of disparities relentless grasp.
And their wisdom pearls still left to the clams
The brilliance still left inside dull shells
And the world will over look such polish
In favor of flashier garish fare
Written By DamondQuinn
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poetking reviewed Version 1 -
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i do like your work, its interesting and makes good reading as poetry.
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gmemi reviewed Version 1 -
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Fast Crits:
To exquisite – should be too exquisite
Think about changing shrieking shouts – not because it doesn’t make sense, but it somehow doesn’t sound right to me phonetically.
I like the theme of the clams/pearls/shells and the repeated line with the message of the garish fare, but I do feel the body of the piece could be improved upon with a more purposeful directive.
AVRP reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice. I really enjoyed reading it. It has a good beat and rythm and rhyme. I can’t find much wrong with it at all. You write very well! Good work!
streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 1 -
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“disparities relentless grasp.” – should be “diparity’s relentless grasp”
“Fast food fun” – nice
“And their wisdom pearls still left to the clams” – great line
i enjoyed this piece… nice imagery… it sometimes felt a little obscure (especially the 3rd and 4th stanza), but that’s actually okay…
overall, a nice job…
NewBard reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very interesting piece. You used quite a few unique images that I found superb. I also noticed an excellent use of alliteration and assonance in line 14. There are a few things that, in my opinion need a bit more polish. One thing is in line 3: I would like to suggest that you change “remain” to “remains” as I believe it lets the line flow more freely. I also noticed that in line 9, that the word “to” should be “too.” The final thing that I wish to bring to your attention is the use of “disparities” in line 17. I believe that if you change the spelling to “disparity’s” then you will more clearly convey the meaning you are presenting. Once again, this is a great piece that, with a little polish, could be really fantastic! Thank you for sharing this! :>)
Blackheart reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it but I think you should really write how u see the world…. Trust me it will kinda clear ur chest hehehehe
B_Jo reviewed Version 1 -
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Very unique in your structure by not using any puncuation after the first verse. Yet, by reading it with the breaks and double breaks between the verses, it flows nicely and clearly. Good Luck.
EvnSuicideAgrees reviewed Version 1 -
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Really good stuff, I really have nothing to say about this piece but that its great
Ramblin_Jack reviewed Version 1 -
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nice i liked it a lot i especially like this line:
Outshine a radiant benevolence under an ashen aura
really good keep it up!
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